9. Thank you for that lovely tale!

“'Once upon a time, there was a turkey named Oswald. He was a happy turkey who spent his days on the farm eating corn, having sex with lady turkeys, and selling weed to Hollywood celebrities. Unfortunately, one such celebrity owed Oswald a lot of money, and although Oswald had teamed up with Snoop Dogg to persuade the celebrity to pay up, the celebrity ended up killing Oswald, and selling him to a local butcher. The butcher plucked Oswald's feathers from his lifeless corpse, and cut off his head and feet, before selling him to a hungry family. Now, this family had a very curious son, who thought placing a slice of Oswald in a DVD player would cause a movie of his life to play on the TV. Well, here we are, kid. You weren't expecting this story, were you? Also, you've just pissed off a load of vegans, and Peta are after you. Good luck. The End.'” -BurnInDemonFire

8. Wish you would, tho.

“Your dog was on duty and working. You don't just pet someone when they're working.” -Glowworm56  

7. Anonymous, eh? We're onto you.

“Is that you "I hate Leg Puns"?”” -Abbusser

6. Committed to the bit.

“That's commitment. And as a man, commitment scares me. So this is terrifying” -BurnInDemonFire

5. Insert something about donut holes here

“Looks like FML was also using the wrong “hole.”” -Donut_Wizard

4. Kinky.

“Lucky for him, there's an entire genre of porn for that sort of thing. I mean, that's what I've heard.” - Dave_Davington

3. This can probably be arranged.

“Man, I would love to chug some of that great fapple flavor” - ChromoTec  

2. It's for the spider now.

“Gotta throw away the whole face” -EggyDogger

1. FACTS.

“Did you know? Everybody swallows 28 spiders in their sleep in their lifetime. And is ALWAYS 28. If you're on your deathbed and have only swallowed 3 spiders in your life, 25 of them show up at once.” - thehaystackerine

META COMMENT BONUS ROUND

“Imagine fighting with your boyfriend only to find out he’s sleeping with your ant...
So much worse!” - RichardPencil