Here Are The 14 Funniest Tweets Of The Week!

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Today, I read on Facebook that someone shat outside our block of flats. I laughed and showed it to my friend who was with me. She turned to me, and said, "That was you, we were locked outside last night and you needed to pee, but a poo slipped out." FML

By PhantomShitter - 29/11/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Was it me?

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Today, my doctor told me to buy some KY Jelly and a dildo to help "loosen me up" so sex isn't so painful. I haven't been able to have sex for 6 months because it hurts so badly, and now my doctor has basically told me to go fuck myself. FML

By painfulintercourse - 22/11/2010 19:36 - Canada

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Today, I helped a man with a neck brace get on the bus. I fell asleep, only to wake up later on to him gratuitously stroking my breasts with his elbow. FML

By fckdsamaritan - 16/12/2010 19:35 - Tunisia

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Today, I gave blood for the first time, since I'm a universal donor. After it was done, I passed out, woke up, puked, and passed out again. The kind nurses told me I was the worst case they had seen all week. So much for doing something to help others. FML

By angelsaredicks - 11/9/2015 13:55 - United States - Morgantown

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Today, I discovered that when my doctor said my new medication "may cause sensitivity to sunlight" what he meant was "sit in total darkness during the day or your skin will feel like its burning off." FML

By Anonymous - 30/11/2016 01:48

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Today, I had to teach my mother that tampons do not belong in the toilet. FML

By Honestly - 9/2/2017 11:00 - United Kingdom - Measham

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Today, I came to work with a huge hangover after a night out. I work as a marching band director, and guess who I had to conduct a sectional with? That's right, percussion. My head still hasn't stopped throbbing. FML

By oww - 5/9/2015 01:25 - United States - Tekonsha

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Today, as I was driving to work in the aftermath of a terrible blizzard that came through my area last night, a lady slid through an intersection and hit my car, totaling it. I called my boss and told her what happened, only to have her tell me that we were closed due bad roads. No one told me. FML

By mandapanda - 2/2/2011 18:22 - United States

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Today, I was preparing for a huge party I've been looking forward to for months. I did all the usual things a girl should do, put on a facemask, painted my nails, exfoliated... I was feeling confident until I peeled off the facemask. I guess when it said "vibrant" what it meant was bright red. FML

By ouch - 11/12/2009 07:50 - United Kingdom

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Today, I got on a two hour train ride to go to a concert. I had been so caught up in handling the train tickets that halfway to the concert, I realized I had left the concert tickets on my dresser. FML

By sirensaresexy - 24/7/2012 13:54 - United States - Long Beach

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Today, I found out my babysitter has been selling the breastmilk I produce for my baby and replacing it with formula, while still taking my money every week. FML

By Anonymous - 9/8/2015 03:53 - United States

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Today, I met my girlfriend's mom. She went on about how my girlfriend's dad is a no good drunk, following this statement with spilling her fifth glass of wine. FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2012 05:50 - United States - Harrison

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Today, I was chatting with an amazing guy online. He was perfect for me. After five hours he told me he loved me and I said it back. So than we decided to trade nudes. I sent mine. Within two seconds my niece calls, laughing her ass off, telling me how weird my birthmark is. FML

By Uriah - 3/7/2009 04:20 - United States

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Today, I pulled a muscle. Not in any kind of sport or exercise, but while reaching for my computer mouse. FML

By ThisGuy97 - 12/8/2011 20:46 - United States

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Today, I had a few drinks with a female friend after having a bad week. I got so wasted that I wound up ending the night by giving my boyfriend a rimjob. He thoroughly enjoyed it and thinks it's going to be a regular thing now. FML

By Anonymous - 24/10/2017 06:00

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Today, I was notified I'm being discharged after 2 weeks because my employers don't have the time to train me at my first real job in 6 years. FML

By Anonymous - 25/6/2015 18:29 - United States - Newark

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Today, I was talking to my husband about how I wanted our marriage to improve and not just be sex all the time. In the middle of my sentence, he asked for a blow job. FML

By Anonymous - 17/8/2012 13:31 - United States - Newberry

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Today, my 250 pound boyfriend was on top of me while we were making out. I actually passed out in the middle of it from not being able to breathe. FML

By Squashed - 15/8/2009 06:13 - United States

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Today, I was commenting on my boyfriend’s page, telling him how much I loved him and missed him since he had been deported back to his country. A 12-year-old girl commented, “Who are you and why are you so obsessed with my daddy?” I didn’t know he had kids. We were together for 3 years. FML

By ashleyrc_8213 - 11/5/2020 20:00

Hidden

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Today, I received a very expensive bottle of wine for Christmas. My alcoholic mother snuck into my house while I was out and drank the whole bottle. FML

By laststand11 - 26/12/2011 01:35 - Reserved

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Today, I left work at 11pm. It was cold and dark, and I was anxious to get home, so I cut across some soccer fields to get to my car. About halfway across, the sprinklers came on. FML

By legotron - 17/10/2009 05:18 - United States

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Today, my 13-year-old daughter excitedly told me about a new diet she read about online. Apparently, the diet entirely consists of bottled water and a mixture of food coloring. The food coloring "takes care of all that vitamin and mineral stuff." My daughter is an idiot. FML

By Nofoodcoloringisnotasubstituteforfood - 9/12/2013 05:52 - United States - West Bend

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Today, I had to explain to my pregnant friend that her plan to get drunk and get a tattoo needed to wait at least 8 months. She then went out for a smoke to calm down. FML

By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 14:49 - United States - Clemmons

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Today, I drunk dialed my mom and told her I was so high and drunk that I thought the KGB was coming after me. When I woke up this morning, my mom told me that she's no longer paying for college. FML

By Noname - 20/2/2009 23:42 - United States

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Today, I picked up my computer which had been at the repair shop for two weeks. I quickly logged on to MSN to talk to the girl who I'd been hitting on for weeks. Her profile picture was a photo of herself with her new boyfriend. FML

By Falouila - 17/12/2008 07:15 - France

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Today, I spilled a half bottle of superglue on my hands. I also found out that cold water only makes it harden faster. FML

By Xia - 18/10/2009 16:38 - United States

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Today, my father decided to tell me in detail when and how he lost his virginity. He even told me what position it was and who this girl was. I will never look at him in the same way again. He also made his hands "have sex". FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2010 00:57 - Australia

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Today, the family dog was in the garbage and wouldn't stop eating. He is a large dog, and I had to put my arms around him and pull him out of the trash can. Well, he bit me so hard I was bleeding. My whole family is siding with the dog and saying it was my fault for not letting him eat. FML

By Dead Inside - 3/12/2018 07:30 - United States - Elkhart

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Today, I told my husband that I think he has ADHD. He was offended and began to argue, then he got distracted by a dog outside. FML

By hannamacintosh - 25/7/2016 14:13 - Canada - Cambridge

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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Today, our new boss showed up for his first day of work. I thought I'd seen it all, but he demands that we say "Hail to the King" every time he passes through the office. When I called HR about it, the guy on the other end told me to "man up and deal with it". FML

By Poorman - 11/12/2011 01:03 - United Kingdom

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Today, for the 28th consecutive day, I went jogging for an hour, even though I never really used to, just to get away from my husband and two kids, because being stuck in lockdown with them is boring me out of my mind. FML

By Anonymous - 1/5/2020 14:00

Getting fit for all the wrong reasons

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Today, I was turned down for a job because they thought I lied about having a six-month internship. Why? The secretary I told off for stealing my lunch every single day told them she hadn't heard of me, and the new company won't listen. FML

By Lisa - 28/10/2018 22:00

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Today, I was trying on clothes in a store that had just screens set up for changing. As I took off the first pair of pants had I tried on, my foot got hooked in the cuff and I fell out in my underwear in front of the whole store. FML

By Teen - 24/1/2009 23:28 - United States

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Today, I found out my boyfriend is an active member of the suicide forum. He told me I should make an account too. FML

By lightblue - 10/10/2010 04:33 - United States

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Today, I was starting to get freaky with my boyfriend when his dad came in with no warning to let the dog into my boyfriend's bedroom. His dad noticed what was going on and covered the dog's eyes instead of just leaving. FML

By Garfield - 21/1/2016 04:41 - Canada - Toronto

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Today, I was doing my first shift waitressing in a café. Not an hour in, I'd already spilt tea over somebody and dropped two whole meals. Looks like this won't last much longer. FML

By failingyetagain - 20/7/2015 22:17 - United Kingdom - Barrow Upon Soar

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Today my husband got drunk and wrecked the house. And when I say wrecked the house, I mean ripping everything off book shelves, Tearing the ceiling fan out of the wall, Opening the fridge and shoveling everything out. Glass everywhere. etc. and this isn’t the first time. I clean up every time. FML

By Singlewife - 23/3/2019 22:00

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Today, my husband put on a nice suit and asked me out to dinner. When he found out I was on my period, he decided to stay home instead, since there was "no point" anymore. FML

By alexa - 8/12/2015 17:14 - Germany - N?rnberg

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Today, I took a friend out for what I thought was date. After dinner was over and I paid, she pulled the bill out and wrote her name phone number on it for the waiter. FML

By Noname - 16/2/2009 06:41 - United States

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