Here Are The 14 Funniest Tweets Of The Week!

2879

171

Today, I went to let my puppy out, and I turned around to see her peeing on the carpet. After getting her outside, I saw my little sister pooping on the floor. FML

By crybaby - United States - Seattle

11579

812

Today, my boss told me that my attitude to work is awesome and that he'd follow my example of coming in half-an-hour early every day from now on. I relish those 30 minutes as the only time I can get work done without him constantly interrupting me. So much for that. FML

By Karansuni - Germany

49000

3368

Today, I saw a coin on the ground. As I bent over to pick it up, some dude came up from behind, grabbed my waist and humped me three times. He ran away before I could get a good look at his face. FML

By asdffhhjk - Philippines - Makati

56002

9358

Today, I was telling my teenage daughter about the effects from alcohol, and how she should not give in to peer pressure. While talking, I noticed that she was looking at me funny. There was a wine glass in my hand. FML

By alcoholic - Estonia

7787

51457

Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML

By thankskimi - United States

565590

40125

Today, my estranged father, who is a cop, decided to show up to my 17th birthday party. He immediately began arresting people for underage drinking. Way to mend fences, dad. FML

By fuckyouverymuch - Australia - Sunnybank

51860

26684

Today, my thirteen-year-old daughter tried to scratch the freckles off of her face. We ended up going to the hospital. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Norwalk

27691

2697

Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to an ewok from Star Wars. She says it's short, stubby, and fuzzy. Now she sings the Star Wars theme when we hang out. FML

By rastafarimon - United States

48011

8948

Today, on my way to work I stopped at a winery and spent around $120 on 2 bottles of wine for my boss, since it was his birthday. When I gave him the gift, in exchange he let me know I am being laid off - his consolation was "if you can afford this wine I'm sure you'll be OK". FML

By JobHunter - Malta

53075

4275

Today, I finally agreed to the threesome that my husband has been trying to persuade me to have. We arranged it with my hot best friend, thinking I would be more comfortable with her. I ended up lying naked beside them, watching them have fun. FML

By wallflower - United States

18029

40752

Today, I pulled a white cloth with string on the end from my dog's mouth. I then realized I was holding my sister's used tampon. FML

By Genuine D - Canada - Mississauga

5407

417

Today, I got fired from my job. When I asked why, all that was said to me was, "We don't have to disclose that information, but you did nothing wrong. It's just not working out." FML

By Kan23 - United States - Altus

20936

1448

Today, I texted my girlfriend a long heartfelt loving message for our 2-year anniversary. Her reply was just "K." FML

By User - United States - Romulus

51875

6671

Today, my grandfather scolded me for not wanting to go to my 12-year-old cousin's basketball game. This is the same grandfather that refused to go to my high school graduation. FML

By emeraldapostle

2073

131

Today, I was shopping with my boyfriend when we came across the most beautiful piece of Japanese furniture. When I inspected it closely, my boyfriend started laughing. Turns out I was making the same noise I make when I orgasm in reaction to a piece of furniture. FML

By Repethetic - Australia - Sydney

28709

4796

Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML

By Anonymous

9413

1002

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He responded with "Who the hell are you?" FML

By ADD - Bulgaria

42645

4495

Today, I went to the supermarket with my husband and kids. A crazy old man started yelling at us and challenged us to fight him outside. Security had to escort us to our car. Why was he so mad? Our cart momentarily blocked his path to the beef jerky samples. FML

By gotta_respond - United States - Piscataway

32430

3361

Today, I got yelled at for providing horrible customer service, in a store I don't even work for. FML

By anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

27529

1991

Today, I found out the love of my life, my husband, is cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, his response was, "Don't blame me, you're the gullible bitch." FML

By Hm - United States

46376

3982

Today, my husband's ex-girlfriend is getting a restraining order on him. Turns out, for the past 2 years of our marriage, he has been trying to contact her and ditching work to stalk her. To top it all off, he told me not to come to court with him because he doesn't want her to see he downgraded. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Oceanside

30524

2202

Today, my dick of a roommate was moving out. She didn't actually tell us she was moving out and took the wifi, modem and all, while my other roommate was on a Skype call and I was watching a show. All with no warning. It's Saturday, I have an online assignment due Sunday. FML

By slightlyfamous - Canada - Port-menier

20792

2250

Today, my pregnant wife and I got separated while out shopping. She ended up having meltdown and crying so hard the manager had to call me over the PA. FML

By losthusband - 11/10/2020 20:01 - United States

Hello from the other side

1031

172

Today, a customer came into McDonalds and placed his order. He insisted on putting each coin on the counter rather than handing them straight to me, because he doesn't like touching "poor people". FML

By poorman - United States - Huntington Beach

50220

3948

Today, I jokingly sent my girlfriend a link to an article about giving better head. She didn't think it was funny, and has since sent me numerous articles about the female orgasm, and I just got a link to the Wikipedia article about the clitoris. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Angleton

16582

57261

Today, my sister had me kicked out of her wedding reception for, in the words of her new husband, "harshing the buzz." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Bellflower

39899

5371

Today, my father threw out my $100 wedge of blue cheese because it "smelled funny". FML

By Cheese luv - Australia - Watson

12905

2217

Today, I got an invitation in the mail for my dad's third wedding. My first name was misspelled on the envelope. FML

By silkworm - United States

52853

2740

Today, I monitored my students as they conducted a lab experiment. I was walking to the other side of the room while looking at a student who seemed about to ask a question. When she looked up at me, I walked into a wall. FML

By Faceplant - United States - Port Orchard

Smooth move, teach.

2946

677

Today, while making dinner I cut my finger badly with a knife. When I yelled for my dad to drive me to the hospital, he accused me of lying to get attention. He had to taste my blood before he decided it wasn't red-colored corn syrup. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

39806

3471

Today, my boyfriend admitted to me that the reason he won't have sex with me is because "condoms are too expensive." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Gladewater

56028

6385

Today, my dad came to my graduate art show wearing a t-shirt saying "My other daughter is a science major". He'd had it specially made. FML

By art_major - United Kingdom

43755

7588

Today, I treated myself to a Thai massage. The masseuse was so aggressive and intense, she left me with injuries on my hands and back. I paid $60 for someone to hurt me. FML

Knock out

1539

322

Today, my boyfriend did the washing as an attempt to help me. Not only are all my clothes now pink, he refuses to do the dishes, vacuuming, bathroom, ironing etc., as he has done "plenty." FML

By Anonymous - Australia

29632

4588

Today, I had a panic attack because my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to choke me in the middle of sex. FML

By Anonymous - United States

42627

6090

Today, I finally got the courage to go on a first date with this guy I had a crush on for months. It was such a big deal for me cause it was my first date ever. The first thing he says when we met was "I have to take a dump." I sat by myself for 10 minutes. FML

By dumper - United States

37049

5560

Today, I got a call from my optometrist. I ignored the call, because I already knew I had my appointment tomorrow. When I listened to my messages later, I found out it was from his secretary, saying all of his appointments have been canceled due to him passing away last night. FML

By dpod121 - United States

24361

9187

Today, while serving drinks at work to a group of people getting tipsy on wine, I joked about it being obvious who the designated driver was to the only gentleman who'd been religiously sticking to coke all night. He coldly informed me that he was a recovering alcoholic. FML

By AwkwardWaitress - United Kingdom

31742

15649

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I've recently become serious about getting fit, and have lost nearly 84 pounds. Apparently, when I was fat, I made her look smaller in comparison. When I got slimmer, she insisted I either gain the weight back or she'd leave. So she did. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

27277

1622