Here Are The 14 Funniest Tweets Of The Week!

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Today, at work, I handed an old man his drink, and our fingers accidentally brushed. He gave me a creepy wink and a smile, but I ignored it. He's now been sitting in the store for two hours watching me. Only 4 hours to go until I get off. FML

By Username - 23/11/2010 20:53

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Today, my girlfriend confessed that she was scared that she was more in love with me than I in her, and that she was afraid I would leave her. So she left me instead. I'd been thinking about proposing. FML

By RingAroundThe..SPLAT - 16/5/2012 04:10 - United States - Washington

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Today, after ten minutes of squishing my boobs together for my boyfriend, trying to get him to stare, he glanced at them then blankly said "I've seen better tits on my mom, so baby just stop that" and smiled. FML

By oboy - 1/3/2010 05:13 - United States

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Today, I found out my wife and three daughters all have their period on seperate weeks. I now have no break from yelling. FML

By thedeerman - 17/9/2011 04:39 - United States

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Today, I was at a party, chatting up this guy while we were petting my friends dog. The dog had just been outside and was kinda wet, I assumed it was raining out. Just then someone came up and said "Um, that dog's covered in pee." Apparently someone peed off the deck onto the dog as it walked by. FML

By ninjapup - 2/1/2010 04:40 - Canada

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Today, my fiancé accused me of cheating and broke up with me. I texted his best friend, who I've never talked to before, to see if he could talk some sense into my ex. Turns out he has several fiancées and was cheating on me since day one. FML

By Anonymous - 15/9/2018 18:30

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Today, I found out that I didn't get a job because I failed the psychological analysis. It told me to answer each question and tell the truth. So I did. I ask my friend, who got the job, if she told the truth. She said no. Apparently you have to lie in order to get a job. Sorry for being honest. FML

By samantha711 - 10/11/2009 02:28 - United States

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Today, I was working my shift at the restaurant as a waiter when the girl I've been in love with for 4 years came in with her boyfriend. He asked me to hide the ring in their dessert. FML

By ringhider - 8/10/2010 16:55 - France

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Today, my psychopathic ex-girlfriend spray-painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van, knowing damn well I have to park it in front of an elementary school on a daily basis to pick up my daughter. FML

By cjw - 6/3/2013 00:07 - United States

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Today, I went to move my dog that had been napping in the middle of my bed for the last few hours, only to discover that he wasn't napping. He died. FML

By jrad - 8/9/2010 19:23 - United States

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Today, I took the train home. When seated, I suddenly noticed something wet on my seat. Without looking, I thought it was water since it was snowing outside. Guess again. It was vomit. FML

By herzausstein - 21/12/2009 22:36 - Belgium

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Today, I managed to get a €5 note tangled in the zip on my purse. I couldn't open it without ripping it to shreds. FML

By MoMoneyMoProblems - 7/8/2014 08:23 - Ireland - Dublin

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Today, I woke up to find both of my bank accounts frozen. My bank informed me that the IRS had ordered a freeze on my assets because of back taxes owed, and would not unfreeze them until the money is paid. The amount? $2.47. FML

By Anonymous - 5/3/2017 14:00

'Cause I'm a Criminal

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Today, I told a customer at the drive-thru I couldn't hear him as he had his music blaring too loud. The customer then drove to the window and verbally abused me for listening to my iPod at work. My "iPod" is the headset we use to take orders at the drive-thru. FML

By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 06:23 - Canada

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Today, I was woken up by my wife softly kissing me on the lips. Half asleep, I kissed her back, before quickly opening my eyes and realising it wasn't my wife; it was my dog. FML

By Anonymous - 27/8/2014 23:04 - United Kingdom - London

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Today, at a meeting, I had a heated argument with the only female employee at the office. A little later, I managed to hit her in the face with a door, giving her a bruise. Nobody believes it was an accident. FML

By xxx - 3/9/2017 04:29

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Today, I got into my first car accident. I hit my own parked car while trying to drive my mother's car into the garage. FML

By dumbass - 15/12/2010 03:00 - United States

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Today, I got sent home early because a large fire broke out at work. I was greeted by the sight of my cocktard of a "boyfriend" making out on my sofa with another woman. He actually had the audacity and brass balls to claim he thought she was me. FML

By why yes, I do mean "ex-boyfriend" - 17/8/2013 22:40 - Netherlands - Oosterwolde

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Today, I apologized to my boyfriend for thinking he was cheating on me right before another girl posted pictures of them together on her myspace. FML

By me - 7/3/2010 05:21 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend stopped by my house after work because he missed me. We made out for a bit outside, which involved some touching and then he left. When I got inside, I got a Facebook message from my older neighbor that read, "That was gross. Please don't do that again in front of me. Really." FML

By hotmess - 25/4/2016 03:49 - United States - Katy

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Today, my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss. His partly digested nachos decided to make an appearance halfway through. FML

By ColdHeat - 16/4/2011 19:18 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1..." and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML

By Jessie - 25/12/2010 13:38 - United States

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Today, I had the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my lower right abdomen. I was doubled over and vomiting it hurt so bad. After going to the E.R., thinking it was my appendix and getting checked in, I let out the biggest most rancid fart in my life and the pain immediately went away. FML

By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 02:00

Better out than in

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Today, I found out that my parents can see a screen-by-screen of everything I say and do on my computer. FML

By Yazzy - 13/2/2009 09:57 - United States

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Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

By Jeff make - 1/4/2012 14:03 - United States - Malvern

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Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

By NYMTS - 1/7/2011 23:22 - Australia

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Today, I gained the courage to talk to the guy I have a crush on. In a dying part of the conversation, I panicked and ended up asking him if he was gay. He replied no and seemed offended, so I quickly added, "You just seem a little gay sometimes, in a good way." He took more offense and left. FML

By anon - 5/9/2016 08:17 - New Zealand - Hamilton

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Today, I had my first kiss. It would have been great if I wasn't playing spin the bottle as a 23-year-old. FML

By foreveralone - 21/3/2020 06:00

Spin on this

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Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, because her military father, who doesn't like me, continuously threatened my safety for dating her. Now he's threatening to kill me for dumping her. I can't win. FML

By send the army please - 2/5/2016 06:51 - United States - Elizabeth

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Today, while entering the building I live in, I walked into my neighbor who winked at me and said last night must have been great. After I asked why, he said he could hear my girlfriend moaning and screaming, and that I must be pretty good at it. I was just coming back from a week overseas. FML

By ouch - 9/8/2009 01:56 - Brazil

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Today, my boyfriend got a new tattoo. It was a big tattoo of Pikachu on his hip. I told him now I'd feel like I was having sex with an 8-year-old boy. His defense? "No, no, think of it as having sex with Pikachu!" He still refuses to understand why that's weird. FML

By Kat - 31/8/2012 01:08 - United States - Tiverton

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Today, I was hanging out with the guy I like. All of a sudden, he pulls out a small vial of his blood to give to me, proving his undying love. Curious, I asked where he had gotten the blood. His answer? A razor blade. In his nose. FML

By radicaloser - 25/3/2011 08:50 - United States

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Today, I listened to my best friend describe having sex with her boyfriend in explicit detail. This would have been fine, but her boyfriend is my little brother. FML

By why - 28/7/2014 01:55 - United States

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Today, I had a second date with a really hot guy I met at the mall. Lucky for me, I went into anaphylactic shock from shrimp and the guy called my parents. When I left the hospital, I was notified that after he called my parents, he ordered more food and charged it to my credit card on file. FML

By echolaker2019 - 11/4/2016 03:57 - United States - Scarsdale

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Today, I was at the supermarket when an elderly lady asked if I'd grab some coffee for her from a high shelf. The moment I took my hands off my almost-full shopping cart, she made off with it. I ended up getting thrown out by security after she claimed I was trying to steal it from her. FML

By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 19:49 - United Kingdom - Swindon

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Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML

By JC - 26/3/2012 20:56 - United States - Villa Ridge

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Today, I woke up naked next to my gay roommate after a night of drinking. Neither he nor I remember anything. FML

By holyshitbatman - 22/9/2012 14:06 - United States - Chicago

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Today, I sleep during the day because I work nights. My neighbors have a very loud wedding and reception in their backyard including a live mariachi band. FML

By Vlen - 24/5/2015 02:38 - United States - Phoenix

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Today, I was walking to a café with my soon-to-be boss. While crossing a busy street, I slipped in a puddle and accidentally grabbed his junk to catch myself. FML

By cachucy - 18/3/2012 15:04 - United States - Geneva

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