By tina

He is proud of the duration

Today, I finally had sex with my new boyfriend, well, penetration anyway. Turns out, he has premature ejaculation, and no idea how bad at sex he is. He actually thought he did a good job by lasting 20 seconds. He was done after 4 thrusts and was somehow confused. I didn't orgasm either. FML

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Family values

Small town blues

Grow up

By anonymous

Today, it was the first day of my new job. It was also the last day of my new job. I got a call immediately after finishing my shift to be told the company has "decided to go in a different direction" and will no longer be needing my services. FML

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By Littlethings1 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my hair got stuck in my umbrella. I asked for help from passers-by, but all I got was weird looks as they hurried past me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting a really bratty little girl. She came and cuddled up on the couch so I took it as an apology. I feel asleep while she was sitting with me and when I woke up she had peed on me. She locked herself in her room and was laughing about peeing on me for discipling her. FML

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By dontask - United States

Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally went on a date. While on the date, he threw up in my purse and stuck tampons up his nose. FML

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By itchy itches - 23/8/2020 05:05 - United States

Box of magic

Today, my neighbor brought home a box of kittens he found in the park. Instead of calling animal control, he decided to keep them. Besides the incessant meowing throughout the day and night, a massive horde of fleas decided to migrate through his light sockets and into my nice clean apartment. FML

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By misi

Today, my mother threw a fit because the psychologist she got me suggested I visit a psychiatrist. Apparently, it's my fault because I "choose" to be so "crazy". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I talked to my mom about hanging out with her. She got out her phone to schedule an appointment. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Pierrefonds

Today, I was at a Chinese buffet, and I got a fortune cookie. I opened it, and it said, "The love of your life is sitting across from you". The only thing across from me was an empty chair. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned something new. I knew that ripening apples release some kind of gas that affects other fruit. But I learned that apparently, it can also affect living plants. Meaning that if you keep a windfall of apples in the same room as a potted rose, the rose will die. FML

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By Ackbar - United States

Today, I fell out of the shower. It was still on. Bracing my fall, I reached into the toilet. It wasn't flushed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, in the gym, as I bent over to pick up my weights an old man farted right in my face. The stench was appalling. To make matters worse, a girl I've fancied for ages thought it was me and reported it to the instructor. I was told to leave for 'anti-social behavior'. FML

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By Face_loser - United States

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend on her request because she "didn't have the heart to do it." Within twenty minutes I'd received 4 calls from mutual friends, including my best friend, telling me what a jerk I am. And one from my mom. FML

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By disappointed - United States - West Fargo

Today, I finally finished watching Dexter. I was more disappointed by the finale than the picture I later received of my girlfriend cheating on me. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I had to tell my mom to stop sending pictures of Jesus to my boyfriend. FML

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By Chiiii

Today, I got home from working abroad for 8 months and opened my post. I'm being taken to court over 3 parking tickets my mum didn't tell me she'd gotten using my car. If we lose, my credit score is affected for 6 years. FML

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By deservedly - Canada - Calgary

Today, I clogged the only toilet at work. Thinking I could escape and blame someone else, I opened the door, only to see a line of people waiting outside. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Kingston

Today, I was out when a guy walking with his girlfriend eyed me up. I made a shocked face at him and kept walking. The next thing I knew, his girlfriend was beating the shit out of me claiming that I was "the other woman." I'd never seen the guy before in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bessemer

Today, while working at a client's house, I noticed that their sliding calendar was several months off. I fixed it. Later the daughter saw and started crying. Apparently the date was the last one her mother had set it to before she died. FML

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By Brooke - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML

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By PainStressLife - United States - Dublin

Today, I went to an over-crowded grocery store. As I reached the front of a long line, I noticed that a cart had been abandoned in everybody's way. Trying to be helpful, I moved it to the side. An enormous woman then shoved me and yelled at me for "pushing her property around." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was walking through Macy's with my girlfriend. I stopped to admire a mannequin's ass, joking with my girlfriend like I was touching it. Then I slapped it. It wasn't a mannequin. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 05:01

Near the knuckle

Today, as a waitress I served someone who was hoping their food would come back faster than expected. I replied, “Fingers crossed!” just for the person to show me they had no hands. FML

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By Daemon - France

Today, after a party, I brought a girl to the flat I share with my 2 best friends. While we are doing it, she asks me "You're not afraid your friends could hear us?". The only answer that spontaneously came out of my mouth: "Don't worry, they're used to it". FML

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By Nicos - France

Today, feeling romantic and overwhelmed with love, I told my fiancée: "I don't know what I'd do without you." She replied: "Well, you'd wank". FML

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By noname - Canada

Today, I discovered that if I put my ankles on my boyfriends shoulders while we are having sex, I will pee myself. FML

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By shotdown - United States

Today, in the middle of hot passionate sex with my husband, he stops and tells me he won't be able to finish until I go brush my teeth. FML

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By nograd4mee - Germany

Today, I held a presentation about my masters thesis. Turns out, my professor never ever actually read the drafts I'd given him, but decided to rip me to pieces in front of everyone, saying that the topic isn't worth researching. I've been working on it for six months. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband came home with tears in his eyes. I ran and asked him why he was crying. He said he wasn't, but he finally admitting to talking to a woman in a bar who, when she noticed his wedding ring, sprayed him with mace. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2020 08:00

All out in the open

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend took some extremely strong painkillers that unfortunately gave him a giddy sense of euphoria. He then stripped naked in his parents' lounge room and yelled, "You've all seen it before!" His really religious parents didn't know this. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my 1-year-old son walked up to me with a disgusted look on his face. I could tell he had something in his mouth so I pulled it out. He'd been sucking on a piece of cat poop. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 02:02

Preventive measures

Today, I was minding my own business when the guy I have a crush on sat down next to me at work, explained that he heard that I had a crush on him and that he was flattered, but that we should "be friends" because I'm a "nice girl". I was rejected by someone I didn't even pursue. FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, I was jamming out and playing some air guitar. I somehow managed to knee myself directly in my left eye socket. I now have a hideously swollen face and a black eye. When people ask me what happened, I'll be hesitant to tell the truth. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my twit of a husband admitted to falling for an internet scam involving a dead foreign politician, the promise of a share in millions of dollars currently stuck in a bank, and him having wired a large amount of our money to "bribe an official". FML

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By cardsftw - United States - Compton

Today, I was so bored that I actually read the iTunes store's terms and conditions. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I received my soccer team jacket that I ordered a month ago. Trying to save money, I'd selected the "no name" option to avoid an extra $20 embroidering fee. My jacket now has "NO NAME" spelled out on the side of it, and I was charged the extra $20 dollars after all. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while practicing my gymnastics routine on the uneven bars, I was so distracted by my teammates' conversation about a party later that I miscalculated my flip and smacked my head on a bar. Ten stitches and a concussion later, I was left alone in the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hermiston

Today, my brother thought jumping out and punching me in the stomach would cure my hiccups. Yeah. Didn't work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made out with a guy that I had just met at a party. It was my first kiss. I don't know what's worse, the fact that my first kiss is at the age of 23, or the fact that I saw him making out with a different girl later on in the night. FML

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By Gothicbunnyx3 - United States

Today, I had to tell my 7 year old son it's not polite to jack off in public. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my aunt asked me to babysit my cousin. She gave me a warning that he says he's allergic to foods to get out of eating them. When I brought out my homemade cooking, he told me he was allergic, so I made him eat it anyway. Turns out he WAS allergic. FML

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Top comments

By chyiochan | 30

#7861464 - Friday 22 November 2019 21:42

(Communication!) F both your lives, if you like/love him, don't shame for something he doesn't know. Have fun together and learn.

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#7861447 - Friday 22 November 2019 20:16

"My girlfriend said I'm bad at sex, but I think she cannot tell after only 20 seconds. FML"

COMMENTS

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#7861447 - Friday 22 November 2019 20:16

"My girlfriend said I'm bad at sex, but I think she cannot tell after only 20 seconds. FML"

By hugtrees13 | 16

#7861448 - Friday 22 November 2019 20:25

If you really like him you can try to work around it/ help him practice to last longer, plus theres always toys/oral.

By TCRII | 28

#7861454 - Friday 22 November 2019 20:54

Ok. Here’s what you do. Get him to take up a dangerous hobby. Not too dangerous, just something where he will get some bruised or cracked ribs. Then when you are having sex, “accidently” kick him in the injured area every 3 thrusts. Then scream for him to keep going. Good luck.

By chyiochan | 30

#7861464 - Friday 22 November 2019 21:42

(Communication!) F both your lives, if you like/love him, don't shame for something he doesn't know. Have fun together and learn.

By manb91gb | 14

#7861485 - Friday 22 November 2019 22:49

4 Thrusts? Wow! That's 3 more then I can manage!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7861503 - Saturday 23 November 2019 1:37

If you know enough that 4 thrusts is bad, you need a side piece. Or a new main piece.

Reply

mfranks19891989 | 10

#7861507 - Saturday 23 November 2019 2:03

That because your an old fart

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7861509 - Saturday 23 November 2019 2:22

*That's
*you're

I'm from the school where poor grammar tagged you as a fool.

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7861508 - Saturday 23 November 2019 2:04

You can either dump him or help him get better at sex.

By Mathalamus | 24

#7861524 - Saturday 23 November 2019 6:39

Honestly, that's about standard for sex. Work on foreplay.

Reply

Sady_Ct | 37

#7861553 - Saturday 23 November 2019 9:36

I don’t know what kind of shitty lovers you have had, but the main event for my husband and I, often lasts 30minutes or more, a hell of a lot more than four thrusts.

Reply

Iamthebanzai22 | 18

#7861602 - Saturday 23 November 2019 13:37

If that was the case, most porn movies would be under a minute in duration.

Reply

Mellowyellow15 | 8

#7862111 - Monday 25 November 2019 20:58

For you maybe not a real standard

By E2dav | 5

#7861955 - Monday 25 November 2019 11:10

He didn't do anything to finish you off? You can either show him the door, or if you really like him, tell him what you like to get you off, then have fun practising

By Mellowyellow15 | 8

#7862113 - Monday 25 November 2019 21:00

Dump him he won’t get better.