By tina - 22/11/2019 20:00

He is proud of the duration

Today, I finally had sex with my new boyfriend, well, penetration anyway. Turns out, he has premature ejaculation, and no idea how bad at sex he is. He actually thought he did a good job by lasting 20 seconds. He was done after 4 thrusts and was somehow confused. I didn't orgasm either. FML

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Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Banished

Yappy neighborhood

By Anonymous - 18/3/2017 07:00 - United States - Westerville

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob. All of a sudden she stopped and said, "What's that thing at the back of your throat called?" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, it was my first day at work as a cashier. I was so nervous that my whole body got numb and my eye sight completely blurred. I ran to the bathroom blind while bumping into everything in the store, making sure that everyone knew I had a problem. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2018 22:00

Today, my landlord sent me a text asking me to please keep it down because our loud Wednesday night sex sessions are disturbing other tenants in the building. Wednesday is my night shift every week so my wife is home alone, or at least I thought she was. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 20:06

You're so vain, you probably think this FML is about you

Today, my daughter is so selfish, she did her makeup in her hospital room so she could take a selfie with her newborn son in the background BEFORE she had even held him for the first time. Yes, BEFORE. My grandson spent his first hour of life waiting for his mom to be ready for a photo op. FML

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By DrunkPeopleSuck - 19/7/2019 16:00

Today, a customer at the bar I work at yelled at me for calling her "Ma'am." I asked what she'd prefer, and she gave me her name. When I called her by her name, she yelled at me for not calling her "Ma'am." FML

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By Will - 21/2/2010 05:05 - France

Today, I had food poisoning. I spent all day on the can. I also had a bucket to throw up into at the same time. I was sick out of both ends, at the same time. FML

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By bigmouth - 14/3/2009 08:43 - United States

Today, I met a really nice couple at a bar. We talked and the conversation eventually drifted towards online dating. I casually commented that hooking up through the internet was sad and pathetic. Turns out they met on Myspace. FML

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By erika - 28/7/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, I got a sunburn all over my stomach from a tanning bed. In an attempt to relieve the itching, I looked up natural treatments since we have no aloe. After trying yogurt, milk and mayo I found out that our water was shut off so the shower could be fixed. I now reek of mayo and milk. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2009 01:08 - United States

Today, I was waiting at an intersection. Across from me, a car was approaching and a bunny ran out. Trying to save it, I flashed my lights and beeped at the car crazily, when the bunny turned around. The lights turned, and as I drove forward the bunny came back out and I hit it. FML

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By dead - 18/3/2016 19:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I've been awake for 4 days. My doctor recently put me on enough sleeping pills to kill a small country, but when I take them it's like a shot of adrenaline. I'm wide awake and tired as all hell at the same time. FML

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By prettyinpurple - 10/2/2009 04:54 - United States

Today, I was in a car accident. After screaming at the woman for running into me, I got in my car and drove off. As I was driving away, I was staring her down when I ended up rear ending the person in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 23:01

Between a rock and a soft place

Today, it's our eighth anniversary. My husband has struggled for a while with erectile dysfunction, and tonight he decided it wasn't worth trying. So now, he's sitting at home, soft, while I'm eating Taco Bell in the car. FML

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By HOPE YOU GET PEGGED - 21/10/2012 23:00 - Canada - Hinton

Today, my mom hosted a high-school reunion. I had to prepare dessert, while my brother cooked dinner. Being the absolute dickhead that he is, he switched the sugar with salt. All the desserts I made tasted like shit, everyone left, and I got grounded for my supposed prank. FML

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By clewie - 31/8/2019 00:01 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My dad showed up to my birthday dinner wasted, was loud and obnoxious the whole time, sexually harassed our waitress, then invited my annoying, bratty nephews to come home and spend the night with us. They're sleeping in my room. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By shadowmuppet - 31/3/2017 20:00 - United States - Bronx

Today, I learned the joy of getting a brand new leather jacket and then watching my date drunkenly throw up all over my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 10:27 - Australia - Box Hill South

Today, in thanks for my assistance, a customer recommended me a plastic surgeon who could "really help with that face." FML

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By wtf3456 - 31/8/2011 09:16 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because I didn't know what her favorite ice cream was. She says it proves I don't care enough about her. I don't think I've ever seen her eat ice cream. FML

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By Project-Mayhem - 2/12/2009 10:57 - United States

Today, my family went to the Christmas tree farm, and cut down the perfect tree. When we got home we put the kids down for a nap and took some time to relax. We went out to the truck to bring the tree into the house, it was gone. Someone stole my Christmas tree from my driveway in broad daylight. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 04:17 - United States - Richardson

Today, our band had a road trip. Two people chose to stack themselves on top of each other to share a seat rather than sit in the last seat next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2009 12:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's dad asked me if I wanted to drive his 2008 Jaguar XKR. Excitedly, I agreed. He then spent the next hour discussing with me how masturbation is a great alternative to sex, and a great way to remain abstinent. I didn't get to drive. FML

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By prisym - 30/8/2017 13:00

Today, I found the $3,200 engagement ring I dropped in my yard. I ran over it with my lawnmower. FML

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By ohcrap - 2/8/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, my son drew in Sharpie all over the wall, so I spanked him as punishment. When my boss came over for dinner, my son shouted, "Daddy made me take my punishment in the butt." FML

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By Nerrh - 12/3/2011 10:53 - Australia

Today, I tickled my girlfriend, and her first reflex was to swing her elbow back and break my nose. FML

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By neverforgetyourphone - 5/3/2015 01:18 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I got into an accident. As I was talking to a police officer about what happened, the tow truck driver managed to take my car and drive away, leaving me with no phone or wallet. I just spent an hour walking home in a hail storm. FML

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By Noname - 7/2/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, my mom was telling me a funny story about when I was young. So I said 'yeah I was funny huh?' She replied 'Yep, I had a funny one and a pretty one'. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2010 05:39 - United States

Today, after weeks of allowing my parents to borrow money, I got a check for $2000. I took it to the bank only to find out it was fake. FML

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By bad boss - 3/4/2018 01:30

Today, I had to reprimand an employee for her bad attitude and terrible work performance. She went to HR and said I harassed her for being gay. Guess who they believed. FML

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By Fitz - 12/4/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, a woman drove through my house. She was texting and eating watermelon at the same time. I didn't know that was even possible, but now my house is condemned. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2015 03:25 - Australia

Today, I threw up on a police officer who was trying to do a random breath test. I wasn't drunk or hungover. I'm pregnant and suffering morning sickness. FML

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By Danielle - 10/6/2012 19:19 - Canada - Aldergrove

Today, it's day two of my family's camping trip. Despite the weather, bugs, and portapotties, we were doing okay, until the can opener broke. My husband is stubbornly insisting that we live off cereal and peanut butter for another five days. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2014 16:44 - United States - Rome

Today, I was singing in my dorm. When I left a little later, a cute guy came up to me and asked if I was the girl who'd been singing. I proudly said yes. He replied, "Good thing you finally shut the fuck up!" and walked away. FML

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By Unknown - 30/6/2014 01:05 - United States

Today, I found out that the lump under my carpet that I stomped on to flatten was actually a dead frog that had gotten caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. FML

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By lanbon182 - 10/4/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, my fiancé's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. They had names. FML

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By ... - 27/11/2008 05:30 - France

Today, I was in India. At the airport, the men and women were being searched separately. The guy welcoming us pointed me towards the women's area. I had to explain to him that I was a guy. It took 15 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2016 06:10 - Australia - Sydney

Today, a classmate at college accused me of stalking her. All because I walked past her house. I was walking to the supermarket. FML

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By aliqi - 12/5/2012 20:48 - United States

Today, I noticed a little white ball in the corner of my bedroom ceiling. I guess it had been there for a while already, but the teeming mass of baby spiders crawling out made it a lot more conspicuous. FML

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By anonymous - 16/11/2011 03:17 - Canada

Today, I was naked, still deciding what to wear, when the doorbell rang. I grabbed the closest thing to cover up with: my Snuggie. I answered the door, it was kids asking for donations. Without thinking, I turned around to grab my purse. FML

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By dogshavenipples - 2/6/2010 23:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a huge bill through the post. It turns out that my elderly mother made the vet come out to my house to see the dog while I was out, because she was scared of the little growths she had found on his body. They were nipples. FML

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By Chlo - 11/8/2019 22:00

Today, I went on a first date. We had the same phone, and we'd put them down next to each other on the table. I get a message and we both look. It’s my period tracker telling me to be careful, because the flood gates are opening. FML

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By KidCudi227 - 19/7/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, my mom gave me the "birds and the bees" talk, while she was taking a dump. FML

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Top comments

By chyiochan | 30

#7861464 - Friday 22 November 2019 21:42

(Communication!) F both your lives, if you like/love him, don't shame for something he doesn't know. Have fun together and learn.

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#7861447 - Friday 22 November 2019 20:16

"My girlfriend said I'm bad at sex, but I think she cannot tell after only 20 seconds. FML"

COMMENTS

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#7861447 - Friday 22 November 2019 20:16

"My girlfriend said I'm bad at sex, but I think she cannot tell after only 20 seconds. FML"

By hugtrees13 | 16

#7861448 - Friday 22 November 2019 20:25

If you really like him you can try to work around it/ help him practice to last longer, plus theres always toys/oral.

By TCRII | 27

#7861454 - Friday 22 November 2019 20:54

Ok. Here’s what you do. Get him to take up a dangerous hobby. Not too dangerous, just something where he will get some bruised or cracked ribs. Then when you are having sex, “accidently” kick him in the injured area every 3 thrusts. Then scream for him to keep going. Good luck.

By chyiochan | 30

#7861464 - Friday 22 November 2019 21:42

(Communication!) F both your lives, if you like/love him, don't shame for something he doesn't know. Have fun together and learn.

By manb91gb | 14

#7861485 - Friday 22 November 2019 22:49

4 Thrusts? Wow! That's 3 more then I can manage!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7861503 - Saturday 23 November 2019 1:37

If you know enough that 4 thrusts is bad, you need a side piece. Or a new main piece.

Reply

mfranks19891989 | 10

#7861507 - Saturday 23 November 2019 2:03

That because your an old fart

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7861509 - Saturday 23 November 2019 2:22

*That's
*you're

I'm from the school where poor grammar tagged you as a fool.

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7861508 - Saturday 23 November 2019 2:04

You can either dump him or help him get better at sex.

By Mathalamus | 24

#7861524 - Saturday 23 November 2019 6:39

Honestly, that's about standard for sex. Work on foreplay.

Reply

Sady_Ct | 36

#7861553 - Saturday 23 November 2019 9:36

I don’t know what kind of shitty lovers you have had, but the main event for my husband and I, often lasts 30minutes or more, a hell of a lot more than four thrusts.

Reply

Iamthebanzai22 | 18

#7861602 - Saturday 23 November 2019 13:37

If that was the case, most porn movies would be under a minute in duration.

Reply

Mellowyellow15 | 8

#7862111 - Monday 25 November 2019 20:58

For you maybe not a real standard

By E2dav | 5

#7861955 - Monday 25 November 2019 11:10

He didn't do anything to finish you off? You can either show him the door, or if you really like him, tell him what you like to get you off, then have fun practising

By Mellowyellow15 | 8

#7862113 - Monday 25 November 2019 21:00

Dump him he won’t get better.