FML World Spotlight

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Today, my university fridge is so small that the cucumber I bought doesn’t fit either lengthwise or widthwise. FML

Meanwhile in Russia...

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By Robin - 12/3/2012 11:57 - Russia

710

Today, I took a restroom break in a Japanese train station. I couldn’t find the toilet flush, so I started pulling on all the available levers. Can some one explain to me why the main alarm lever was in the toilet? FML

Hmm, what does this button do...

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By touche-à-tout - 15/8/2012 08:08 - Japan - Tokyo

699

Today, I’m in China for work. All my work is stored in my Google Drive, directly via the internet. It’s just a pity that Google is banned in China. FML

Does this mean I'm just on vacation now?

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By bleroh - 4/3/2013 11:04 - China

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Today, at Toronto airport, the customs officer checked my passport, then called his colleagues to confirm whether my country, Madagascar, really existed or not. Then, he took a picture of himself with me so he could show his kids that people actually live in their favorite cartoon’s country. FML

You mean there are more than just talking penguins there?!

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By nomade319 - 16/5/2013 02:57 - Canada - Winnipeg

810

Today, my girlfriend left me for my best friend. Over a text message with "lol" in it. FML

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By Nina / Tuesday 25 April 2017 12:36 /

FMLNews

Serious times

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Spread the news

By schwange - 15/5/2010 17:07 - United States

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Today, I held my cousin's new baby, whom I have nicknamed Canteloupe Head. He then reenacted the Exorcist by projectile vomiting all over my lap and shirt. His mom is a firm believer in karma. FML

By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 16:22 - United States

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Today, I had to wait an hour in the awful rain for my mom to pick me up, because she didn't realize the clocks had gone forward already. FML

By Anonymous - 13/3/2011 21:51 - United States

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Today, some beefed-up guy wearing a wife-beater sat in my restaurant, took out a big sack of coins, and played My Little Pony songs on the jukebox for 4 hours straight. I couldn't summon the courage to tell him to leave. FML

By lingling - 16/12/2012 00:57 - United States - Germantown

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Today, my son gave me a bottle of shampoo for my birthday. I'm as bald as a coot. FML

By Bald - 21/10/2014 15:41 - Turkey - Istanbul

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Today, it was so hot in the un-airconditioned gym that when I got up off the floor, I slipped in my own pool of sweat and got a concussion. FML

By not_very_smart - 24/7/2013 06:44 - United States

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Today, after ten minutes of squishing my boobs together for my boyfriend, trying to get him to stare, he glanced at them then blankly said "I've seen better tits on my mom, so baby just stop that" and smiled. FML

By oboy - 1/3/2010 05:13 - United States

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Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

By quickfingers100 - 1/6/2011 16:05 - United Kingdom

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Today, I asked my boyfriend if there's a reason why he has never gone down on me. He responded, "Your back door is too close to your front door and it creeps me out." FML

By Username - 1/12/2010 19:04 - United States

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Today, I met my new class. There are two Kevin Smiths. Neither will agree to a nickname, they have the same hair color, and their middle names both start with J. They have told me to call them Kevin 1 and Kevin 2. They both want to be Kevin 1. FML

By Anonymous - 19/2/2013 00:26 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, my fiancé and I just moved into our first apartment together. Our neighbor across the hall? My ex-boyfriend who I've had to file three separate restraining orders on. FML

By ashdk - 28/1/2011 09:12

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Today, a customer at the Walmart I work at had a hissy fit and began throwing merchandise everywhere, including at my face, because we are Canadian and don't have a show called "Extreme Couponing" for "devoted shoppers" like her. FML

By ohgodwhy - 27/11/2012 23:46 - Canada - Brampton

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Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

By whyme102008 - 13/7/2011 06:32 - United States

Family Matters

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Today, I was shopping with my baby daughter when an older woman came up to me. She glared and said, "You know, if you kids learned how to keep your legs closed, you wouldn't be a mother at 16." I'm 25. FML

By notateen - 13/11/2009 20:26 - United States

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Today, I was fired for using violence and intimidation in the work place. I was a bouncer at a strip club. FML

By John - 30/6/2012 05:08 - United States - Watertown

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Today, a woman yelled at me for hurting her. I'm a tattoo artist. FML

By thrill house - 25/1/2016 00:57 - Australia - Hawthorn

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Today, after working a 24-hour shift I was finally able to get some sleep. Not even an hour after falling asleep, I was woken up by my drunk husband humping my leg. FML

By Canali18 - 17/9/2016 14:45 - United States - Brooklyn

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Today, some of my classmates brought cupcakes to celebrate my birthday. I took the leftovers with me after class, and when my mom picked me up from school, she asked, "What are the cupcakes for?" FML

By bdayboy - 11/1/2011 09:17 - United States

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Today, my dad nearly had a head-on collision with another car, but I grabbed the wheel at the last second, potentially saving both our lives. He spent the rest of the car trip pissed at me because I'd "interfered" with his driving. FML

By laurlaur - 5/8/2011 21:47 - United States

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Today, during some previews before the new Harry Potter movie, a guy stood up and led the audience in an enthusiastic and rather successful chant "H-A-R-R-Y!". Minutes later when I attempted to do the same thing, I was pelted with half-full bags of popcorn, freezing sodas, and booing. FML

By Chelsea - 20/7/2009 05:54 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that he purposely makes me angry, because when I'm angry, I clean, and it saves him having to do it himself. FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2012 20:56 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was sent to the front office for having blood shot eyes and smelling like smoke. I just didn't get enough sleep and had trouble putting my contacts in, and I always smell like smoke because of my parents' excessive smoking. They didn't believe me. My parents had to come in to back me up. FML

By Phabia - 21/4/2015 00:16 - United States - Newton

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Today, I was out shopping, when I noticed a teenage girl with a double stroller picking up a pack of condoms. I couldn't help but mutter that it was a little late for those. A guy who must have been her boyfriend then stormed over and beat the shit out of me. FML

By killmenow - 10/9/2012 17:52 - United States - Seattle

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Today, I was feeling really upset and called my boyfriend. He said "Can you feel upset a little later? I'm watching a movie." FML

By noname - 18/2/2009 20:35 - United States

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Today, I work at a food joint as a chef, and a customer found a long strand of hair in her food. The manager blamed me, even though I'm bald. FML

By notmine - 20/4/2014 02:39 - India - New Delhi

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Today, I was sick, and my voice was really low and raspy. A cute guy smiled at me and said hi, so I said hi too. He looked shocked and said, "Sorry bro, thought you were a girl." I am. FML

By Anonymous - 5/6/2015 12:21 - Sweden - G?teborg

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Today, a woman came up to me at work and screamed at me for "taking forever" to come and wait at her table. I work at Wendy's. FML

By FastFoodWaiter - 3/9/2012 23:43 - United States - Saukville

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Today, my grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer. We're very close, and I called my boyfriend, really needing some support. I'd barely told him what had happened, when he replied, "Babe, I'm in the middle of a game here. Call me later." FML

By Anonymous - 24/5/2014 19:31 - United States - Round Rock

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Today, my husband refuses to have sex with me, ever since I told him I wanted to try for a baby. When I asked him why, he said it was because he likes lack of responsibility and money in the bank more than the thought of a screaming baby, no sleep and strong suicidal urges. FML

By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 23:01

Sounds reasonable

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Today, I walked out of my college dorm to see that the intelligent person who locked their bike next to mine decided as an added security they would lock their bike to the rack, and to my bike. FML

By cl512 - 18/9/2009 13:33 - United States

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Today, I had to explain to a woman why she wasn't allowed to squeeze all the contents of the sample lotion bottle into her own bottle. She threw a fit, and dumped the whole bottle on my head. FML

By Anonymous - 18/4/2013 04:00 - United States - New York

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Today, I spat up blood and had horrible chest pain. My mom still made me go to school, claiming she needed to take the cat to the vet instead of me to the doctor. FML

By Hungrytoothbrush - 7/3/2012 22:07 - United States

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Today, I texted the man I'm dating, told him I was having a terrible day and asked him to say something to cheer me up. His response? "Did you know that rabbits shriek when they're killed?" I'm still having a terrible day, and now I can't stop thinking about dying, shrieking bunnies. FML

By deadbunnies - 31/7/2009 22:46 - United States

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Today, my duty manager demanded we close the bar early because she wanted to go home. I was subject to abuse from customers for closing early, then shouted at by the duty manager for not being done. My actual bar manager fired me for closing early. FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2013 07:18 - United Kingdom - Manchester

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Today, at the office, after a heavy night of drinking, I had to hear my boss walk around with bells attached to her shoes. She circled the office a total of 34 times today. FML

By bells - 30/12/2010 06:08 - United States

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Today, my son paid the price for emulating his idols, aka the sub-human scum on Jersey Shore. He called me from jail and actually had the balls to try to guilt me into bailing him out, after he'd been arrested for punching his girlfriend at a liquor store. FML

By Anonymous - 16/6/2012 00:00 - United States - Medina

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Today, while watching Game of Thrones, my boyfriend remarked that he doesn't think that "sibling incest is a big deal" and doesn't "get why it's illegal." He has 2 sisters. FML

By no no no - 23/7/2017 20:00 - United States - Simi Valley

Game of Nope

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Today, my son told me he needed a haircut. I was thrilled that he actually requested it, since he normally throws a fit over getting them. He described the cut he wants. It's a mullet. FML

By DaveAlmighty - 24/4/2012 23:59 - United States

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Today, I passed by a small shop and decided to go in to look at the jeans. Before I could even step in, the shop owner told me expressionlessly, "All the sizes here are too small for you". FML

By Brrrb - 5/3/2009 05:22 - Singapore

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Today, I had a date with a girl. After movies and dinner we came back to my place. I had to go to the washroom BADLY. I took a BIG #2 and when I went to flush the toilet to my horror it didn't flush. FML

By frankie - 19/1/2009 01:01 - Canada

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