FML's Weekly Horoscope

Find out what shit the asshole stars and planets have in store for you this week.


A new beginning

Hello everyone, and welcome to this new column in which we delve into the bright world of the stars and planets, to look to the future while clutching at straws. This is FML after all. If you're expecting to be told that all is going to be fine, you're in for a shock. Have you seen the state of the planet? Anyway, lets get on with it.



You know that thing that happened at work that you've been obsessing about at work? It totally WAS your fault. Saturn in Mercury is pulling you towards buying more figs. Forget about your ex. Drink more water.


Avoid cats. Remember to buy more toilet paper, you're running low. This week should be even more terrible than usual for people of your star sign, but then again your life is usually shit. Learn to play the guitar and become a blues musician. Call your mom.


Stop posting memes on Facebook. Go for a run on Wednesday, but don't eat ham on Friday. At work, someone will cross you. Don't rise to the bait. If you are at school, don't scribble on a table, someone will put a hex on you and you will DIE.


This week, the Moon isn't your BFF. Make room for a visiting relative in need, but beware, they will try to steal one of your pets. Stay away from large retail stores, especially ones with greeters. Try yoga, but only next Saturday.


You will spend most of the week plagued by farts, due to Uranus being in retrograde. People will try to trick you into lending them your bicycle. Don't let them, they will not give it back. Take care of your feet, the smell is turning potential lovers away.


Under no circumstances must you get on a boat. You know which one. Love will not come a-knocking this week. Work and/or school should be OK, if you keep your mouth shut about accidentally killing that homeless person last week. Go for a walk on Tuesday. 


Stop using your phone at the movies. Mercury and the Moon are driving you to booze, so be careful not to become the town drunk. Libras are well known for being tight with money, but dig deep this week for charity. A stranger will help you next weekend when your house burns down. 


Your TV isn't watching you, stop freaking out. However, the neighbours are listening to your every move. Pluto is dragging you down, which is why you will feel like a turd all week. Not much of a change there, so prepare to binge-watch Netflix. Eat more salads and wank less.


This week's Star star sign. Well done. You should find this week less shit than the rest, due to the fact than you are under the influence of Venus and Mars, who, like that rubbish book, are conspiring to avoid any semblance of love in your life. So, no problems. Success!


You will go to work one morning, most likely Wednesday, and wonder what you are doing with your life, and almost quit it all. But won't. Because you can't. Because you can't do anything right. Come on you loser, do it. Take the plunge. The Moon God implores you. Switch phone providers.


It will rain all over you, if not in real life, it will figuratively. You will feel waves of sadness, the kind that drive most people to booze. But fight it. On Thursday you will sit on a bench and ponder whether to ask that special person out. Don't. Cut down on spicy food.


The worst sign of the week. You people will feel like falling down a manhole would be the easy option. Saturn is pushing you down a never-ending spiral of shit, and you don't know what to do. The answer is probably to scream at the sky. Try it. Avoid the sunshine.


That's it for this week.

Tune in next week, same time, same place, for another horoscope. It's about as accurate as all the others.


By Alan / Saturday 11 May 2019 09:27 /
Add a comment
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Create my account Sign in
Top comments