FML's Weekly Horoscope - 7th of July 2019
The week in bullshit
Hello and welcome to our regular feature in which we delve into the totally scientific world of the stars and planets, to turn our gaze to the future while gasping in shock. As this is FML, if you're expecting to be told that all is going to be fine, you're in for a shock. Have you seen the state of the planet and life? Stop having kids. Anyway, lets get on with it.
Consider making time to sit still for five straight minutes without worrying about your car. Answering questions for others will piss someone off, especially on Wednesday. Please take care of your feet this week, and you'll finally be able to realize your potential. Have a walk in a park. Have an ice cream. Stop thinking about your ex, you great big loser; no one likes a pining loser. Cheer for the other team for once, everyone has goals. Go on a detox diet, even though they are bullshit, you'll be able to mention it in every conversation.
If you're trying to balance what you want against what people in your life want you to want, then consider it a situation where life has given you lemons. What do we do when life hands us lemons? We say fuck the lemons, and go for a beer. Figure shit out and do the right thing. Remember that not every fork in the road has a knife to go with it, so eating on Friday may prove tricky if you make the wrong decision. Maybe Tuesday has always been the day you were waiting for to finally take action in your life. Try not to screw it up this time.
Uranus says that you will come to terms with something you never knew you hated, and it will make you think twice before taking a risk with a coworker or distant cousin. Consider what to do. Think about your failed relationships, and light a candle. You will feel OK-ish, but that's better than most people. On Friday, someone will try to get you high to ask you for sex. Don't drink anything stronger than water. Look out for Capricorns, they are out to get you this week. Consider getting a pet, especially a pair of cats, because cats are awesome.
Accept your fate that you will always come out last, as long as you keep trying and follow the wisdom of Sylvester Stallone in "Rambo III", in that surrounding them isn't an option. You may want a new friend to offer suggestions that you can't follow, due to your innate fear, or just a friend, at least one in your life. There's no reason to think bad things can't happen to you, they can, and will, just be prepared for them at the weekend. Stop listening to alt-right YouTubers.
Before you can find answers for yourself, maybe you should do something for someone you don't know. Then you can find what you need. Stop watching bad TV shows, especially ones with canned laugh tracks. It's 2019 for Jupiter's sake, why are they still doing this to us? Thursday will bring you what seems like a promise of sex, but it's just Jupiter being a dildo and giving you an empty feeling every time you walk into a store. Ignore all signs of a promotion, you are not getting anything for a while. Eat more bananas, they are full of potassium and dreams.
Be aware that your Jupiter is waning, which means that you should keep a lookout for Gemini men or women, as they might be someone to find comfort in, but not in a sexual sense because you are heading for a week of utter repulsion, whether or not that seems to make sense. If you doubt yourself, perhaps you doubt the universe. Speaking of the universe, avoid that "Yesterday" movie about the Beatles. It's terrible, and it'll make you want to throw figs at the screen. Stay at home and feed your addiction to cakes, cheese and pinball.
If you're thinking about investing in real estate, then join the club. But don't get your hopes up, the banks hate people like you, and the market is terrible thanks to Boomers and their greed. Don't do anything you'll regret for the rest of your life on Tuesday, like shooting a homeless person for fun or eating PayDay bar. Buy some Lego, make a spaceship and dream of a world in which your body odor is barely perceptible to people in public transportation. Listen to the Moon on Friday, if that makes sense. The Moon is always a great companion, as is Chapo Trap House.
If you feel you have time to spare, then maybe watch something on Netflix that isn't normally your thing. Like documentaries on serial killers, and learn to recognize them in your apartment building or family home. Things will become rainy in your heart on Wednesday, Saturn is toying with your brain waves and making you want to overindulge in fatty foods. The good news is that your mindset is perfect for selection the right cheese and Pringle flavor. Listen to "Fight The Power" by Public Enemy once a day, all week, until I tell you to stop.
During the week, your Saturn is increasing, which means that you should keep in mind people who also Sagittarius, who are good people when they really feel like it, but they may not be helpful to you, for what it's worth. And if you're going to wear that outfit on Friday, why not go a little further? Try to add a little pizzaz and sparkles to your life, but don't try unusual drugs. Or even caffeine. You won't be able to handle it, and you'll start a fight in a mall. Don't be afraid to look out for your reflection in mirrors and CCTV. It'll remind you to call your mom, or your lawyer. The trial is coming up, or will be after an incident on Thursday. Don't be a dick.
Before you know it, you will uncover something from your past. It will help you to understand that you never knew you deserved a raise or maybe a grade that you were surprised by. Someone will try to get you help them move house on Wednesday, and it will make you consider being more compassionate to those less fortunate than you. Not that it will help, because saying no and being negative is your usual modus operandi. Remember that Saturday is your opportunity to be the dickweed you've always wanted to be, and no one can take it away from you. Not even your ex, who will call you about that thing you stole.
Your Uranus is rising, which means that you should think about making a move, going to an organic food shop, or writing a play based on William Shatner's life. People from the Virgo sign will be as likely as not to look out for you, whether or not you want them to. You may even find this annoying, so feel free to tell them to fuck off because Uranus told them to. If you doubt your talent, perhaps you will fall into a coma. Seek out something beautiful and keep it for yourself, like someone else's money or watch. Drink more water, but try not to drown this time.
The stars say that your Saturn is encroaching, which means that you should watch out for potholes while driving, especially on Sunday. You will get an offer to host a party for someone's children. Say no. Bail on that shit. Remember that you hate kids, and that they will probably ruin your furniture and stereo by playing Baby Shark over and over again. Are you wondering about contacting someone from your past? Now will become the time you decide and they will leave your message on "Read" like the utter cunt that they are. Buy some apples.
That's it for now.
Tune in next week, same time, same place, for another horoscope. It's about as accurate as all the others.
See you next week!