FML's Weekly Horoscope - 4th of August 2019

Find out what crap the dumbass stars and shithead planets have in store for you this week!

 

The week in bullshit

Hello and welcome to our regular feature in which we delve into the totally scientific world of the stars and planets, and turn our gaze to the future while gasping in shock. As this is FML, if you're expecting to be told that all is going to be fine, you're in for a shock. Have you seen the state of your life? Anyway, lets get on with it.

 

Aries

Before you know it, you will uncover something from your past. It will help you to understand that you never knew you deserved a raise or maybe a grade that you were surprised by. Someone will try to get you help them move house on Wednesday, and it will make you consider being more compassionate to those less fortunate than you. Not that it will help, because saying no and being negative is your usual modus operandi. Remember that Saturday is your opportunity to be the dickweed you've always wanted to be, and no one can take it away from you. Not even your ex, who will call you about that thing you stole.

Taurus

Accept your fate that you will always come out last, as long as you keep trying and follow the wisdom of Vin Diesel in "Fast and Furious", in that driving very fast can get you out of trouble sometimes. You may want a new friend to offer suggestions that you can't follow, due to your innate fear, or just a friend, at least one in your life. There's no reason to think bad things can't happen to you, they can, and will, just be prepared for them at the weekend. Stop listening to conspiracy YouTubers.

Gemini

The stars say that your Saturn is encroaching, which means that you should watch out for chickens while driving, especially on Friday. You will get an offer to host a party for someone's children. Say no. Remember that you hate kids, and that they will probably ruin your furniture and carpet by playing Twister over and over again. Are you wondering about contacting someone from your past? Now will become the time you decide and they will leave your message on "Read" like the utter bastard that they are. Buy some string cheese.

Cancer

Your Mercury is rising, which means that you should think about making a move, going to an organic food shop, or writing a concept album based on your love life. People from the Virgo sign will be as likely as not to look out for you, whether or not you want them to. You may even find this annoying, so feel free to tell them to fuck off because Mercury told them to. If you doubt your talent, perhaps you will fall into a coma. Seek out something beautiful and keep it for yourself, like someone else's money or watch. Drink more water, but try not to drown this time.

Leo

Consider making time to sit still for five straight minutes without worrying about your bunions. Answering questions for others will enlighten some, but will piss someone else off, especially at the weekend. Please take care of your parents this week, and you'll finally be able to realize your potential. Take a walk in a park. Have a break. Stop thinking about your ex, you great big loser; no one likes a pining oaf. Cheer for the other team for once, everyone has goals. Go on a detox diet, even though they are bullshit, you'll be able to mention it in every conversation.

Virgo

If you're trying to balance what you want against what people in your life want you to want, then consider it a situation where life has given you lemons. What do we do when life hands us lemons? We say fuck the lemons, and go for a beer. Figure shit out and do the right thing. Remember that not every fork in the road has a knife to go with it, so eating on Tuesday may prove tricky if you make the wrong decision. Maybe Friday will be the day you've been waiting for to finally take action in your life. Try not to screw it up this time.

Libra

Before you can find answers for yourself, maybe you should do something for someone you don't know. Then you can find what you need. Stop watching bad TV shows, especially ones with canned laugh tracks. It's 2019 for Jupiter's sake, why are they still doing this to us? Friday night will bring you what seems like a promise of sex, but it's just Uranus being a dick and giving you an empty feeling every time you walk into a store. Ignore all signs of a windfall, you are not getting any money for a while. Eat more bananas, they are full of potassium and dreams.

Scorpio

Uranus says that you will come to terms with something you never knew you hated, and it will make you think twice before taking a risk with a friend or distant relative. Consider what to do, ponder it wisely. Think about your failed relationships, and light some incense. You will feel OK-ish, but that's better than most losers. On Friday, someone will try to get you high to ask you for a back rub and/or sex. Don't drink anything stronger than Diet Dr Pepper. Look out for other Scorpios, they are out to hurt you this week. Consider getting a pet, especially a pair of cats, because cats are awesome.

Sagittarius

Be aware that your Jupiter is waning, which means that you should keep a lookout for Gemini men or women, as they might be someone to find comfort in, but not in a sexual sense, because you are heading for a week of utter repulsion, whether or not that seems to make sense. If you doubt yourself, perhaps you doubt the universe. Speaking of the universe, avoid planetariums, you may find the experience overwhelming. Stay at home and feed your addiction to figs, cheese and games involving laser beams. Call someone you haven't talked to since high school and call them a fuckface, then hang up.

Capricorn

If you feel you have time to spare, then maybe watch something on Netflix that isn't normally your thing. Like documentaries on lamps, cheese or expensive restaurants, and learn to become an expert in something useless. Things will become rainy in your heart on Friday, Jupiter is toying with your heart and making you want to overindulge in sugary foods. The good news is that your mindset is perfect for selection the right ice cream and chips flavors. Listen to "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People once a day, all week, until you understand what the lyrics mean.

Aquarius

If you're thinking about investing in real estate, then stop it right now. The banks hate people like you, and the market is terrible thanks to Boomers and their passive greed. Don't do anything you may end up regretting for the rest of your life, especially on Tuesday, like pissing off a punk rocker or eating cold Big Mac. Buy some Lego, make a train and dream of a world in which your body odor is barely perceptible to people on public transport. Listen to the stars on Saturday, especially on Saturday if that makes any sense. The Moon is always a great companion, as is Chapo Trap House.

Pisces

During the week, your Saturn is increasing all over the place, which means that you should keep an eye on people who wear sunglasses indoors and when it's dark, who can be good people when they really feel like it, but they may not be helpful to you. And if you're going to wear THAT outfit on Friday, why not go a little further? Try to add a little pizzaz and sparkles to your life, but don't try unusual drugs. Or even caffeine. You won't be able to handle it, and you'll start a fight in a bar. Again. Don't be afraid to look at your reflection in mirrors, but avoid appearing in CCTV so hide from the cameras. Remind yourself to call your mom, or your lawyer. The trial is coming up, or will be after an incident on Thursday. Stop being a dick.

 

That's it for now.

Tune in next week, same time, same place, for another horoscope. It's about as accurate as all the others.

 

See you next week!

 

By Mystic Alan / Thursday 1 August 2019 14:21 /
Add a comment
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Create my account Sign in
Top comments
No comments yet.
Comments
No comments yet.