FML's Weekly Horoscope - 2nd of June 2019

Find out what bullshit the asshole stars and planets have in store for you this week.


The week in bullshit

Hello and welcome to our regular feature in which we delve into the totally scientific world of the stars and planets, to turn our gaze to the future while gasping in shock. As this is FML, if you're expecting to be told that all is going to be fine, you're in for a shock. Have you seen the state of your life? Anyway, lets get on with it.



If you're feeling doubtful, you should sit for five straight hours without worrying about the state of your skin. Also, your purpose in the world will become self-evident. Your plans may not be working out and the idea of playing golf will seem out of reach, but that doesn't mean it's time to give up on your dreams.


Are you going to be rekindling an old flame? The coming week you'll find is an important moment in your history and you may chose to do the right thing for yourself. You may  also have resolved to ask for a raise or some other perk at work, but this is not a good time to draw attention to yourself. Drink a beer on Tuesday, but no more than one.


Are you thnking about changing careers? The coming week is the right time to do so, and even though these things aren't easy, you'll have made the right choice. Probably. You shouldn't trust everything you see on Wednesday, though you need to make sure that you're not just a knee-jerk skeptic either. Repaint your bedroom.


It's never too late for an older relative to lend new perspective to an old concern. Make a commitment to yourself and take at least one step toward it. On Friday, a cat will try to steal your food. Mercury is influencing your love life, so be careful when drunk-texting. Not everyone wants to be woken up by your drunken ramblings.


It may be in your best interest to consider a co-worker you don't necessarily think about to guide you through difficult times. If you are at school or university, this may be a teacher or professor. Or a janitor with a cool record collection. Help comes in all shapes. Listen to your heart, it will guide you along with the moon.


The stars say that your Mercury is encroaching, which means that you should keep sight of people who are Aquarius, which is a sign that will be compatible with you next weekend, as likely as not. Just think, if it seems to good to be true, it probably isn't. Wear a crash helmet when using electric scooters, the stars indicate probable risks of brain damage in your future.


You'll find that your Saturn is engorging, which means that you should think twice about men or women of the sign Gemini, who might try to trick you into buying into their pyramid scheme bullshit. Make a commitment to Mars, god of war, and follow through on it by fighting Multi-Level marketing scams whenever you can. Eat more bananas.


You got up today knowing you had to do something meaningful. It happens by letting your addiction go and appreciating each moment for what it is. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you can do this. Try broccoli instead of cigarettes. Call your parents and ask them what they thought of the Game of Thrones finale.


Soon you will come to realize a fact that was once considered absurd or silly, and it will mean something to you. Now you know, so take action. Go for a run on Wednesday morning, you will encounter something or someone special. Love is in the air, but the details are rather vague, it could be a person or a sandwich.


If you have a choice between two things, consider waiting before making a decision about that relationship thing you have going on a spin cycle in  your mind. Remember that you can't control every aspect of your life. If you set your heart on it, there's nothing you can't achieve. Except being an astronaut or looking cool on a Segway.


All things being equal, you will discover the facts surrounding an event from when you were younger, and it will make you wonder what the hell you are doing with your life. Why not get started with the rest of your life this week? Or you can stay at home and eat your body weight in cheese. Thursday is a good day to regrout the bathroom tiles.


It says in the stars that Uranus is waxing, meaning that you seek out individuals of Virgo sign, who are obviously nitwits, but they may be helpful to you if you can be sufficiently manipulative. You have the skills for it, especially on Wednesday. There's no reason not to be happy, just find that thing that gives you that joy. Like crying yourself to sleep. Have fun!


That's it for now.

Tune in next week, same time, same place, for another horoscope. It's about as accurate as all the others.


See you next week!


By Mystic Alan / Thursday 30 May 2019 13:58 /
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