FML's Weekly Horoscope - 28th of July 2019

Find out what crap the dumbass stars and shithead planets have in store for you this week!

 

The week in bullshit

Hello and welcome to our regular feature in which we delve into the totally scientific world of the stars and planets, and turn our gaze to the future while gasping in shock. As this is FML, if you're expecting to be told that all is going to be fine, you're in for a shock. Have you seen the state of your life? Anyway, lets get on with it.

Aries

It may be in your best interest to consider a co-worker you don't necessarily think about to guide you through picking new bathroom tiles. If you are at school or university, this may be a teacher or professor. Or a janitor with a cool VHS tape collection. Help comes in all shapes. Listen to your heart, it will guide you, along with the moon, towards a new relationship, or a new acne cream.

Taurus

It's never too late for an older relative to lend new perspective to an old concern, like your drinking problem. Make a commitment to yourself and take at least one step towards not falling over every night. On Friday, a cat will try to steal your food. Mercury is influencing your love life, so be careful when drunk-texting. Not everyone wants to be woken up by your drunken ramblings.

Gemini

All things being equal, you will discover weird facts surrounding an event from when you were younger, and it will make you wonder what the hell you are doing with your life. Why not get started with the rest of your life this week? Or you can stay at home and eat your body weight in cheese. Thursday is a good day to regrout the bathtub or clean the leaves and shit from the drains. Read a book instead of watching porn.

Cancer

Are you going to be rekindling an old flame? The coming week will be an important moment in your history, and you may chose to do the right thing for once. Don't be an asshole for once. You may also have resolved to ask for a raise or some other perk at work, but this is not a good time to draw attention to yourself. Drink a coffee on Tuesday, but no more than one.

Leo

If you're feeling doubtful, you should sit for five straight hours without worrying about the state of your skin. Also, your purpose in the world will become self-evident if you look outside your window on Friday. Your plans may not be working out and the idea of playing golf will seem out of reach, but that doesn't mean it's time to give up on your dreams. Drink more herbal tea while chanting.

Virgo

It says in the stars that Uranus is waxing, meaning that you seek out individuals of the Pisces sign, who are obviously as dumb as a box of frogs, but they may be helpful to you if you can be sufficiently manipulative. You have the skills for it, especially on Wednesday. There's no reason not to be happy, just find that thing that gives you that joy. Like crying yourself to sleep. Have fun with that, especially if you are drunk on rosé wine.

Libra

If you have a choice between two things, consider waiting before making a decision about that relationship thing you have going on a spin cycle in your mind. Remember, you can't control every aspect of your life, even if your mother seems to think that she can. If you set your heart on it, there's nothing you can't achieve. Except being an astronaut, or looking cool on a Segway.

Scorpio

Soon you will come to realize a fact that you once considered absurd or silly is actually true, and it will mean something to you. Now you know, so take action to integrate into your morning routine, and make a Twitter thread about it. Go for a run on Wednesday morning, you will encounter something or someone special. Love is in the air, but the details are rather vague; it could involve a person or a sandwich. 

Sagittarius

You'll find that your Saturn is engorging, which means that you should think twice about men or women of the sign Gemini, who might try to trick you into buying into their pyramid scheme bullshit. Make a commitment to Mars, god of war, and follow through on it by fighting Multi-Level marketing scams whenever you can. Eat more bananas. Call your siblings, or send them a gift, but not via Amazon, which is cursed because it was built on an ancient tribal burial ground.

Capricorn

You got up today knowing you had to do something meaningful. It happens by letting your addiction go and appreciating each moment for what it is. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you can do this. Try broccoli instead of cigarettes. Call your parents and ask them what they thought of the new Orange is the New Black season. They might not have seen it all, but be ready to have an opinion on it. Don't go to prison this week.

Aquarius

Are you thinking about changing careers? The coming week is the right time to do so, and even though these things aren't easy, you'll have made the right choice for once. Probably. You shouldn't trust everything you see on Wednesday, though you need to make sure that you're not just a knee-jerk skeptic either. People who say all things happen for a reason have never broken their toe walking past a coffee table. Repaint your bedroom.

Pisces

The stars say that your Mercury is encroaching, which means that you should keep away from people who are Aquarius, which is a sign that won't be compatible with you next weekend, because they will be assholes to you. Just think, if it seems to good to be true, it probably isn't. Wear a crash helmet when using electric scooters in supermarkets, the stars indicate probable risks of brain damage in your future, if it hasn't already occurred.

 

That's it for now.

Tune in next week, same time, same place, for another horoscope. It's about as accurate as all the others.

 

See you next week!

 

By Mystic Alan / Saturday 27 July 2019 11:49 /
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