FML's Weekly Horoscope - 25th of August 2019
The week in bullshit
Hello and welcome to our regular feature in which we delve into the totally scientific world of the stars and planets, and turn our gaze to the future while gasping in shock. As this is FML, if you're expecting to be told that all is going to be fine, you're in for a shock. Have you seen the state of your life? Anyway, lets get on with it.
Before you can find a solution to the problems in your life, maybe you should do something for someone in your family. Or that homeless guy who eats his own face who sleeps across the street. Then you can find what you need, like a new soul. Stop watching bad movies, especially ones with naked people in them. It's wearing your genitals out. Not literally, but you know. Give them a rest. Thursday will bring you what seems like a promise of money, but it's just the influence of Jupiter in Mercury giving you that winning streak feeling, but that doesn't happen to people like you. Ignore all signs of a promotion at work or that you're getting any sex, you're not getting lucky for a while. Eat more fruit.
If you're thinking about investing in the future, think carefully. Make a chart, plotting the ups, downs and the influence of Mercury. Don't do anything you may end up regretting for the rest of your life, especially on Wednesday, like humming in an elevator full of people or trusting a fart after a heavy night of drinking. Buy some stuff just for yourself, take a break and dream of a different world in which your face is barely noticeable anymore and you are floating away towards the Moon. Feels nice, doesn't it? Listen to the stars about your gambling, especially on Saturday if that makes any sense. The Moon is always a great companion, as is hbomberguy. Have some cake.
Your Freddie Mercury is rising, which means that you should think about making a little dance every morning the coming week, taking loads of cocaine from a dwarf's head, or writing a concept album based on something operatic. People from the Pisces sign will be as likely as not to want punch your lights out, whether or not you want them to. You may even find this enjoyable, so feel free to tell them to go ahead, because Uranus told them to. If you doubt your talents this week, you might feel the warmth of Mars. Or is it the Sun? Seek out something that smells nice. Like a flower or a urinal cake. Drink more beer, but try not to get so drunk that you send texts to your ex. You've got enough restraining orders as it is. Lucky number: 14.
Consider making time to sit still for five straight minutes without worrying about opinions your boss or teachers might have about you. The truth is, no one really cares about you. Only the stars and planets care. Answering questions in class and during meetings will annoy others, but will really turn someone else on, especially on Wednesday. Please take care of your family this week, and you'll finally be able to realize your potential. Take them for a walk. Give them to a mall. Have a break on Friday. Stop thinking about your weight, no one cares. You look OK. If you really must, go on a vegetarian diet and do a cleanse, you'll be able to mention it in every conversation and bore the tits off everyone you meet.
Saturn is waxing lyrical this week that as long as you keep trying and that you follow the wisdom of John Rambo in "First Blood", you'll learn that no one cares about veterans, so don't think about walking through a strange town, because the sheriff will try and hunt you down, even if they post about you being a hero on the Internet. Mercury will support you if you are helpful to other people. You may want someone from your family to offer suggestions, but due to your innate stupidity, you can't follow. You'll always have a friend in the Moon, who follows you no matter what. There's no reason to think bad things can't happen to you, they can, and will, just be prepared for them on Tuesday. Eat more vegetables, they contain vitamins and magic.
The stars say that your Jupiter is encroaching, which means that you should watch out for children while driving, especially on Saturday. You will get an offer to go to party on Friday night. Say no. Remember that you hate parties because of your social anxiety, and your tendency to get drunk because of it. This will happen if you go to the party, and you will embarrass yourself by falling in a pool or a hole. Are you wondering about contacting someone from your past? Now will become the time to decide and they will leave your message on "Read" like the twunt that they are. Buy new tires for your car. Trust the Moon on Wednesday and eat bananas.
Uranus says that you will come to terms with someone you never knew you loved, and it will make you think twice before making a decision with regards to a friend or distant relative. Consider what to do, ponder it wisely. Think about your failed relationships, and light some incense. You will feel like a complete shit, but that's better than most people. On Friday, someone will try to ask you for a some cigarettes. Don't eat anything colder than soda this week. Absolutely no ice cream after 9 p.m.! Look out for Virgos, they are out to hurt you this week. Consider getting a pet, especially a snake, because they suit your personality. Have some cheese, except if you're a vegan because cheese isn't vegan, unless it's vegan cheese, in which case, fill your boots.
Be aware that your Pluto is waning like a little bitch, which means that you should keep a lookout for Pisces men or women, as they might be trying to fuck with your head. You are heading for a week of total bullshit. If you doubt yourself, perhaps you doubt Rachel Maddow. If you are feeling the big sad on Thursday, try going outside while listening to "You Make My Dreams" by Hall and Oates on Spotify. Have a "me" day. Stand in the sunshine and feel your face taking in the Vitamin D, or whatever it is. Call someone you haven't talked to since high school and call them a dingdong, then hang up.
If you're trying to balance what you want against what people in your life want you to do, then consider it like a situation where life has given you lemons. What do we do when life gives us lemons? We freak out, because we're afraid of fucking lemons. Lemons are scary as fuck. Fuck those lemony bastards. Anyway, figure things out and do the right thing. Jupiter is waning for Sagittarius this week, so remember that not every fork in the road has to be a single decision, you can go one way, then turn the truck around a try the other road. If that makes any sense. Tuesday may prove tricky if you make the wrong decision, though. Maybe Sunday will be the day you've been waiting for to finally go to church for the first time in your life. Remember to be open minded and wear some appropriate shoes. Avoid the giggle loop while you're there.
If you feel you have time to spare, then maybe go to the movies to see something that isn't normally your thing. Like a movie that doesn't involve superheroes or men in muscle-tees driving really fast. Try learning to become an expert in something that might come up during a debate. Things will become shitty in your heart on Thursday, because Saturn and Pluto are conspiring to fuck up your love life and making you want to overindulge in cigarettes and indie bands. The good news is that your mindset is perfect for selecting the right booze to go with them. Try to avoid bad beer, because the following morning will be even worse.
Before you know it, on Tuesday you will uncover something from your past. It will help you to understand that you never knew you were not as ugly as everyone said you were, or maybe you are smarter than you thought. Someone will try to get you help them move a boat out of storage on Sunday, and it will make you wonder if you ever be able to say "NO!" to people who ask you for favors. Yes, you can. Fuck that noise. Not that it will help, because saying yes and being a doormat is your usual default position. Tuesday is your opportunity to be the devil you've always wanted to be, and no one can take it away from you. Not even your cousin, who will call you about that thing you stole the last time you met. Accept the fact that you will always come last.
Your Saturn is increasing all over the place, which means that you should keep an eye on people who insist on closing blinds when there's an impressive thunderstorm to watch outside. Who doesn't love to watch the lightening strike? If you're going to go swimming on Friday, avoid bombing people. Add a little parmesan and pepper to your pasta on Wednesday, but don't try unusual drugs. You won't be able to handle them, and you'll freak out again, like that time in your parents' back yard last year. Don't be afraid to look at your reflection in mirrors, but avoid appearing in mall cameras as they will steal your soul, so hide. Remind yourself to call your dad, but your long lost friends because they are assholes. There will be an incident at work on Tuesday. Try not to get the blame. Clean your penis.
That's it for now.
Tune in next week, same time, same place, for another horoscope. It's about as accurate as all the others.
See you next week!