FML's Weekly Horoscope - 23rd of June 2019

Find out what bullshit the asshole stars and planets have in store for you this week!

 

The week in bullshit

Hello and welcome to our regular feature in which we delve into the totally scientific world of the stars and planets, to turn our gaze to the future while gasping in shock. As this is FML, if you're expecting to be told that all is going to be fine, you're in for a shock. Have you seen the state of the planet and life? Stop having kids. Anyway, lets get on with it.

 

 

Aries

With Gemini rising, you will come to terms with something that was lost, like a ring or a piece of cake, and it will make you think about how you treat your children or genitals. Make Thursday a day to remember by forgetting to be a dick. People will respect you for not opening your loud gob at every opportunity, and maybe the end of the week will be better than most. Try tofu.

Taurus

Before you can find answers for the planet's future, maybe you should do something just for yourself. Maybe go for a walk on Tuesday. Plus, you may find what you're looking for, unlike Bono. Watch out for new people you've just met. Drill down into the details of your latest problem or issue, you are missing out on some good laughs. Change the strings on your guitar.

Gemini

On Wednesday, you'll have the choice to make a new start for yourself. It'll start by looking out for the people around you and accepting that death is coming for everyone. Death is coming. Death is coming. Yes, it is. There's no reason not to take that first big step in the right direction right now, just wear decent shoes. Saturday is only one day in your life, so that doesn't mean you have to go out and get plastered. Take acid.

Cancer

Friday you should watch something that normally isn't your thing, like asparagus or smiling. Answering questions for others will answer questions for yourself, and people will start seeing you in a new light. Just stop doing it to police officers, especially on Sunday. Your plans may not be working out, that means it's time to give up on them. Drink more water. Listen to Funkadelic.

Leo

It is true that your Uranus is falling, which means that you should think twice about trying out new dance moves when going out on the weekend, whether or not that seems to make sense. Just think, if it seems to good to be true in the mirror, it probably isn't. You will look silly. Have more vegetables on Tuesday. Make plans to not get an infection by practising safe sex and not touching public toilet seats.

Virgo

You should know that your Pluto is rising over Mars, which means that you should avoid people who are Aquarius. They may want your body this week, and not in a good way. Think serial killers and organ trafficking Stop wanking at work, you may get caught. Hydrate better, the toxic air is fucking up your skin. Lucky number: 7. How original. Talk to a strange dog.

Libra

Are you considering doing more for your career or income? Good idea. You've been stuck in a rut for more than half your life, you idiot. Whether you like it or not, the coming week will be a turning point and you'll have to do the right thing. Or watch Do The Right Thing by Spike Lee. Call your parents on Tuesday, they are badmouthing you again since you killed the neighbors' plants by pissing on them.

Scorpio

If you think you're smart and funny, but don't know how to apply that in real life situations, then consider taking the advice of someone who knows you, but that you're not all that close with. Like that weird guy who works at your local supermarket, the one with the Metallica t-shirt collection. If that doesn't make sense for you, then you are obviously wrong and you need to believe in the power of the stars. You are not Jesus.

Sagittarius

You may want a distant but cherished family member to give you a suggestion that you hadn't considered. There's no reason to think bad things can't happen to you, they can, and probably will. Just be prepared for it, especially on Thursday. If you are feeling the heat, get out of the kitchen and get in the freezer. Don't mention the war to people who love guns, they will get overexcited and shoot something you love.

Capricorn

With Gemini rising, you will come to terms with a truth that was once considered false, it will give you pause to how badly you are living your life. The power of love is within you, so just make it happen. You will come to terms with an item you own, like a broken watch or a broken penis, and it will make you rethink things. It's just a word, bro. Buy some Black Sabbath albums on Friday, and play them backwards.

Aquarius

If you think you're spending too much time slacking, you need to have less confidence in your powers of deduction. Nobody is more familiar with you than you. Well, you and the local police, who are watching you, especially on Friday. Bear in mind that not every fork in the road has a clearly better path. Or that any direction is the right direction. Bless the rains down in Africa and donate a large sum of money to a charity for refugees.

Pisces

Are you wondering about talking to your significant other? The coming week is a time you'll remember as the time you stood up for yourself and you chose to do the right thing for yourself. It'll fail, but at least you tried. Try not to worry too much about how much you know, you don't really know much about anything. You must remember that fact from school. You just have to work through shit as best you can by being drunk for most of the week.

 

That's it for now.

Tune in next week, same time, same place, for another horoscope. It's about as accurate as all the others.

 

 

See you next week!

 

By Mystic Alan / Saturday 22 June 2019 11:35 /
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