FML's Weekly Horoscope - 22nd of September 2019

Find out what embarrassing stuff the dumbass stars and planets have in store for you this week!

 

The week in bullshit

Hello and welcome to our regular feature in which we delve into the totally scientific world of the stars and planets, to turn our gaze to the future while gasping in shock. As this is FML, if you're expecting to be told that all is going to be fine, you're in for a shock. Have you seen the state of the planet and life on it? Anyway, lets get on with it.

 

 

Aries

This week make a change for the better, especially after all these marches to improve the planet and whatnot. Feel inspired by people trying to do good. Jupiter is pulling you towards being less of a prick, so embrace your inner empath. The new you starts this week by being open and honest, and realizing that what is best for you is not dying by choking on your own vomit after too many shots. Eat more green vegetables. Look yourself in the mirror, pull your pants up and tell yourself that you can do this thing called life. You can do anything you want, if you keep your stupid mouth shut now and again. Your dumbass opinions are a typical Aries flaw, so work on those. No one wants to hear them. Friday, an old woman will call out your name in the street. Help her.

Taurus

Before you can find answers for other people, maybe you should do something for yourself, Jane Fonda. Always trying to solve the world's mysteries is easier than trying to figure out what's bothering your brain-box. Neptune is waxing all over the place, so get ready to go running, it will do you a world of good. During your morning run, you will find what you seek. Saturday will bring you what seems like a promise of joy, but it's just Jupiter being facetious and giving you a slight tingle every time you come near 4G cellphone towers. Ignore all signs of cash flow, you are not worthy of it this week. Or any other week. Pray to the spirit of Paris Hilton. She is all-knowing. Have a banana on Friday.

Gemini

On Tuesday, you will get the chance to make a new start for yourself. Unfortunately, you will fuck this up. Make some tea instead. Go looking for the people around you who will be the best to give you advice on that one nagging thought at the back of your mind. Unless they tell you that you're an imbecile for what you have done. Drink more orange juice. Be aware that your Pluto is capitulating this week, which means you should stay covered in aluminum foil and talk to your neighbors about that weird noise at night. It might be a ghost of a previous tenant. Read some theory. Go for more walks around the neighborhood, you will meet a friend from the past who will have advice about Friday.

Cancer

Look to someone with a weird looking face to reaffirm a belief you'd already considered. Old people may often start singing and belting out old-skool raps at you this week, so look out for someone wearing a beanie hat to help you make sense of it all. Take a pledge to be truer to yourself and take at least one step towards real love, especially on Sunday, a day that you will remember in next few years as one of the most important in your life. Feel the power of James Brown lift your soul. However, your Mars is waning, so eat some cheese on Friday. Make sure to wash your bed linens before the weekend, it will bring you luck. Beware of people buying car tires on Saturday.

Leo

Accept your fate that you will always be seen as one of the odd people, as long as you keep trying to fit in. Follow the wisdom of David Hasslehoff in the song "Looking For Freedom" this week, find that freedom that you've been searching for, for so long. Sing it loud and proud. You will overcome and adapt to your new life. Beware of spiders in your underwear on Wednesday. You may want a new friend to suggest things that you shouldn't do, or just a friend, at least one that isn't dead. There's no reason to think bad things can't happen to you, they can, and will, just be prepared for them. Make some time to listen to some music. If you don't like music, what is wrong with you, you sociopath? Enjoy a hotdog and maybe some ice cream at the weekend. Lucky number: 421.

Virgo

The stars say that this week you will come to terms with something you never knew you once had, or knew that you had, and it will make you think twice before taking a risk in your life. But did you really have it? Do you want it again? What was it? If you had to imagine it, what shape woud it be? What texture would it be? What color? Are you thinking of boobs? Consider what you will do with this thought. Think about your failed relationships, and cry for an hour or two. On Saturday, someone will try to get you to explain who Cardi B is. Even though you know, you will struggle. It will be tedious, but maybe you will feel good that someone asks you for insights and knowledge. Look out for meerkats, they are out to get you this week.

Libra

Today you can burn a new page in the book of your life. Yes, burn. I know what they say about people who burn books, but this is in the sense of burning the memory of something that still hurts. Forget it. Fuck that shit. Pave the way to a new you, as some shitty spiritual guru would say. The way to start is by spending a little less money on shitty decorations you buy on the Internet and understanding that you have the power to be just you. However, you will feel fart-bloated on Tuesday. Maybe you don't think you're up to the challenge, which is totally true. Don't be afraid. Yet. Listen to "I Was Made For Loving You" by KISS, it may help.

Scorpio

Keep in mind that your Moon is enunciating, which means that you should watch out for trucks that have duct tape holding their windshields together and people who wear those hats with beer cans on each side. Nothing but trouble those people. Beware of other Scorpio people, who are good fighters when you need them in a prison riot, but they may not be very useful this week. If you're going surfing with someone, why not go a little further? Hire a jetski, especially on Saturday. Find something that fulfils you and go with it, like a bottle of wine or an Anne Sexton poem. Use some lotion, you have the face of a depressed lizard.

Sagittarius

This is the week for being carefree, and a little bit free-jazz! Are you thinking about taking a big step in a new direction? Then this week is a time you'll remember as a moment in your life that you'll definitely regret, and even though you stood up for yourself for absolutely no reason, you'll probably do something really dumb. Venus is enticing you. Stop engaging in arguments with government officials, you will get nowhere with these people. Look a little more deeply into any situation that matters, and stop being such a penis. Drink more water, drink less beer. It's making you shit every two hours. Haven't you noticed yet? Or is it the influence of the Moon? Switch off your electronics and listen to Jupiter while you meditate for 2 hours every day.

Capricorn

This week, Saturn will help you realize something is not quite right in your life, and it will mean the most to you and your vagina. If you are a strong, sexy man, just get serious and make that thing happen, especially if you have a name that sounds like a bowel movement or a art project. Stop listening to celebrity culture and be a real person. Go outside and ask people in the street what they think about current affairs. The Moon is your friend this week. Make a pitcher of margarita mix on Saturday, and share it with some kids who live nearby. You will instantly become their hero, and you will gain five life points. Start watching The OC from the beginning and don't stop until you've finished all four seasons. Eat chocolate, but not after dark.

Aquarius

You will be in the vibe this week. But are you weighing your options regarding a trip to visit family, or even just a nearby town? Don't. Don't go. Jupiter is warning you not to travel. You'll be in danger, sort of. Not that you will die in a plane crash, just that you might get the shits and ruin a vacation by blowing your liver out of your butthole for a week. Instead, some time in the coming week you will finally go to the movies to see the movie that everyone has raved about, only to find that it is no longer showing, and that the movie theatre closed 4 years ago. You should go outside more. You may encounter a lost child on Saturday. Give it a wide berth, because it will be the ghost of someone who hated you. Ignore, and move on. Have a drink with your mother.

Pisces

Do something meaningful on Wednesday. Go to a zoo and realize that you are also in a zoo of your own. Jupiter is showing you that your life is nothing but pain, because you are letting it be so. It's a start. Feel the love that you are denying yourself. You can also begin looking at a given situation from all sides of the equation, whatever that means. Spend time with the people that mean the most to you. Or farts. Farts are better than people, they take up less space and time. A cat will need your assistance this week. Help it, because it will open up a job opportunity. You've tried before, and you'll try again, so maybe try going to church. Church is like the stars and planets, you have to believe for them to work.

 

That's it for now.

Tune in next week, same time, same place, for another horoscope. It's about as accurate as all the others.

 

 

See you next week!

 

By Mystic Alan / Saturday 21 September 2019 05:27 /
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