FML's Weekly Horoscope - 21st of July 2019

Find out what bullshit the asshole stars and planets have in store for you this week!

 

The week in bullshit

Hello and welcome to our regular feature in which we delve into the totally scientific world of the stars and planets, to turn our gaze to the future while gasping in shock. As this is FML, if you're expecting to be told that all is going to be fine, you're in for a shock. Have you seen the state of your life? Anyway, lets get on with it.

 

Aries

Wait until Tuesday to put some pants on. If you finally decide to venture outside, remember that Mars is your guide. This week, someone will try to fight you for a sandwich. Don't give in. Also, don't let a dog lick you on Saturday. If your parents drop by unannounced, don't let them talk you into putting up some shelves.

Taurus

If you try to eat fruit this week, you will be rewarded. Call your uncle, the one you haven't seen since the incident at the wedding ten years ago. If he's dead, watch some TV with the sound turned off. Freddie Mercury is in retrograde, which means you can have some apple pie and not put on any weight. Enjoy the non-guilt.

Gemini

This week should be a pretty good week for you, but then again, compared to the rest of the year when you feel like you're drowning in someone else's vomit, it'll be a picnic. Expect a strange cat to show up at your door. Give it a bit of tuna. It'll return in two years with a message.

Cancer

You will feel the need to make jokes on Friday, but you should avoid doing so. People from your star sign are not known for their sense of humor, so if you don't want to be a social outcast, stick to what you know. The Moon is your friend, be like the Moon, only come out when everyone else is in bed. You will envy your friends, but don't. They are idiots.

Leo

You are this week's star star sign. However, don't worry when juvenile acne appears on your face on Tuesday. It's just all that ham you had on the weekend. You will be forced to swear an oath of some kind this week, so don't lie, because if you do, someone will die as a result and your family will be haunted for at least 500 years.

Virgo

With wars breaking out all over the world, don't be tempted to become a fighter pilot. You don't have the stamina and you don't know how to fly a plane. On Thursday, a small child will hit you with a plastic hammer and/or a bat. Take it in your stride, don't hit it back with your adult-sized fist. Society looks down on that sort of thing.

Libra

You will consider taking a long train journey this week, just to get away from it all. Don't. Mercury in Jupiter is telling you to avoid all human contact, especially in moving vehicles. If you must go anywhere, move no faster than a bicycle or a small dog. Eat chocolate once every three days, and have some wine.

Scorpio

On Wednesday, someone will try to sell you something. Try not to overindulge with pizza. This week is going to be tough for the single people amongst you, so stay indoors with your eyes closed. Pluto is watching over you, and laughing. Work should be OK, but avoid eye contact with management. They are suspicious of your motives.

Sagittarius

Could you love yourself? That's this week's question, and you must find an answer. The stars are not looking down on you in a good way, especially since you did that thing on Friday night. Drive safely. If you are married, make sure to wear your ring at all times. A piece of felt will land on your head. Stop thinking of forming the new Baader-Meinhoff gang.

Capricorn

Like a cat in a box on your way to the vet, you can feel something awful is about to happen. It's the Moon rising over Saturn, pulling you towards mischief and mayhem. Beware of people bearing gifts. You might need some help on Tuesday, but avoid drinking orange and brown liquids. Your lucky number is irrelevant, you will be like a rat in a ditch fighting over some piss this week.

Aquarius

Gather your belongings as it seems you are about to be moving home. Either that or you will be evicted. Uranus is rising for you this week, so try burning some sage. Call your parents, they have a dark secret they have been putting off telling you. Insist on knowing what it is. Drink more orange juice and follow @fml on Twitter. Make a papier maché head of yourself.

Pisces

It's time to go on a diet. Go to the store and buy some vegetables and fruit. Walk to the store, don't drive. Run more. In other news, Jupiter is wishing you well at work, as your promotion is not going to plan. You will need more spoons. Jesus will visit you in a dream and tell you to stop wanking, but he is wrong. Jesus is wrong.

 

That's it for now.

Tune in next week, same time, same place, for another horoscope. It's about as accurate as all the others.

 

See you next week!

 

By Mystic Alan / Sunday 21 July 2019 10:24 /
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