FML's Weekly Horoscope - 14th of July 2019
The week in bullshit
Hello and welcome to our regular feature in which we delve into the totally scientific world of the stars and planets, turning our gaze to the future while gasping in shock. As this is FML, if you're expecting to be told that all is going to be fine, you're in for a shock. Have you seen the state of the planet and shit? Stop having kids and farting.
Anywayyyy, lets get on with it.
Aries will be the best sign this week. Well, the best of a bad bunch. You'll wake up most mornings with some sort of will to live, and not spend most of the day dreaming of ways to end it all. Jupiter is your ally this week, especially on Saturday, so make use of its influence by building bridges with people you hate, and who also thing you're a nitwit. This process may take some time. Avoid banks. Drink 2 litres of water on Friday.
This really is the best week for you, especially if you are single. You can try dating apps, but be careful, your innate gullibility makes you prone to scammers. So be warned, those pesky Russians on dating apps will probably try and get you to send them money on Friday, so don't. Oh, and one of your pets is trying to kill you. Become a vegan on Wednesday, but quit on Thursday. Look around you when you walk.
The Moon is rising over Neptune for Geminis. Is it Geminis? Geminii? Anyway, you guys are going to feel like your feet have been run over by a Ford Fiesta driven by a drunk cat. Make sure you take care of your shoes. Your feet are your best friends. Literally. Come on, go outside and make some actual friends. The planets are telling you to avoid flying. Drink more orange juice.
Saturn in Mercury is dragging you down. Fight the urge to go to work or school wearing nothing but speedos and a hat. Even if it's a nice hat, you will be institutionalised. On Friday, someone from your past will reappear, asking for a favour. Tell them to fuck off, it's a multilevel marketing scheme. A scam. They don't really want to be your friend. Enjoy the sound of the wind in the trees.
Let go of those feelings for that person. It's been five years; let it go. Mercury is in retrograde, so that's going to fuck your finances round about Tuesday night. So don't go outside Tuesday night, stay home and watch some Gilmore Girls reruns or something. Eat more fiber, you might actually get to poop once in a while. Dance. Enjoy taking a hot bath now and again, but don't wank. Waste not, want not. Help out a friend in need, but again, don't wank.
The planets are dancing, but not to your tune. Mars is tugging at your heartstrings, the god of war is pushing you towards love, and not in a nice way. You will feel lost, because love is losing game. That one special person who broke your heart will make a surprise appearance on Thursday, and it will feel like needles in your eyes and a red hot poker in the pisspipe. Frankly, you'd almost be better off as a statistic in the opioid crisis, but rise above it and tell them to fuck off.
People from this star sign are the worst. The kind of people who wind up on Dr. Phil screaming at each other about leaving their kid in a pub or a hot car. But this week, mainly on Friday, you will feel in twinge of sadness because people stopped caring about the death of Grumpy Cat. You really did love that cat that you'd never met. Libra people are a mystery. Go to the gym. Eat some beans.
This week you will feel bored at work. This is quite normal, but it's getting worse. On Wednesday, you will finally snap. How you snap is up to you. Call your dad. Watch Dirty Dancing for the 47th time, and this time pay attention to the abortion sub-plot. Not enough people do. Friday night will be a great date night, but not for you. Sorry. Think about rehab. If someone mentions Jesus on Saturday, run.
On Tuesday night, you will think that you have found your spirit animal when you see a video of an armadillo rolling up into a ball. Eat less sugar-laced shit. You will notice that text messages and WhatsApp notifications have dried up on Tuesday. This is because all your friends are on a private group talking about you. Make the change that you want to see in the world. Mercury is telling you that you don't have to have children, it's OK.
On Wednesday, you will be invited to wedding by some girl from high school that you barely remember. You will thus be at a crossroads in your life. Do you decide to go for the free food, or turn it down because you hardly know her? Jupiter will bring you the answer a few hours later via wedding gift list from which to choose what you intended to buy the happy couple. Fuck them and the horse they rode in on. Listen to a podcast on Friday.
You really need to look people in the eye when talking to them. It says so in the stars. Thus, it is scientific fact. This week, you will be caught in the crossfire of an argument at work or in a classroom. Even though it doesn't concern you, avoid getting involved by keeping your big mouth shut. No one wants to hear your stupid opinions. You must know this already. So can it, kapiche? Use more lotion on your skin, you look ashy. George Clooney will be near you at one point this week.
Fight the power this week. Feel no fear, feel no shame. You have the protection of the Moon in Saturn, so no dilly-dallying, you can go straight for the prize. Just avoid situations where you could fall over again. Never use your car's horn this week, as it may cause a situation with a policeman and some wild geese. If you are in school, stay there. You need it. Have a burger on Monday. Think about David Bowie.
That's it for now.
Tune in next week, same time, same place, for another horoscope. It's about as accurate as all the others.
See you next week!