FML's Weekly Horoscope - 13th of October 2019
The week in bullshit
Hello and welcome to our regular feature in which we delve into the totally scientific world of the stars and planets, to turn our gaze to the future while gasping in shock. As this is FML, if you're expecting to be told that all is going to be fine, you're in for a shock. Have you seen the state of the planet and life on it? Anyway, lets get on with it.
It's time to go on a hunger strike for climate change. Go to the store and buy some vegetables and fruit for your parents on Tuesday. Walk to the store, don't drive. Run more. In other news, Mars is wishing you well at work, as your promotion is not going to plan. You will need more spoons at the weekend. Think of Lady Diana.
Gather your belongings as it seems you are about to be moving home. Either that or you will soon be evicted by your bastard landlord, or your parents who hate you. Uranus is rising for you this week, so try burning some sage in the toilet. Call your parents, they have a dark secret. Insist on knowing what their favorite flag is.
Like a cat in a box on your way to the vet, you can feel something awful is about to happen. It's Jupiter rising over Saturn, pulling you towards mischief and mayhem. Beware of people bearing gifts and footballs. You might need some help on Tuesday, but avoid drinking from orange and brown bottles.
Could you love yourself? That's this week's question, and you must find an answer. The stars are not looking out for you in a good way, especially since you did that thing on Monday night. Drive safely, stop reading texts at the wheel. If you are married, make sure to wear your ring at all times. A piece of felt will land on your head, or a leaf.
On Wednesday, someone will try to sell you something. Try not to overdo it. You are poor. This week is going to be tough for the single people amongst you, so stay indoors with your eyes closed. Pluto is watching over you, and laughing. Work should be meh, but avoid eye-contact with management. They are suspicious of your motivation and motives.
You will consider taking a long train journey this week, just to get away from it all. Don't. Mercury in Jupiter is telling you to avoid all human contact, especially in restaurants or bars. If you must go anywhere, move no faster than a bicycle or a small dog. Eat chocolate once every three days.
You will feel the need to make jokes on Friday, but you should avoid doing so. People from your star sign are not known for their sense of humor, so if you don't want to be a social outcast, stick to what you know. The Moon is your friend, be like the Moon, only come out when everyone else is in bed. You will envy your friends.
This week should be a pretty good week for you, but then again, compared to the rest of the year, when you feel like you're drowning in someone else's piss, it'll be a picnic. Expect a strange child or animal to show up at your door. Give it some food. It will return in two years with a special message.
If you try to eat fruit this week, you will be rewarded. Call your uncle, the one you haven't seen since the incident at the wedding two years ago. If he's dead, watch some TV. Mercury is in retrograde, which means you can have some apple pie and not put on any weight. Enjoy the non-guilt. Tuesday will be orange. Repent.
Wait until Tuesday to put some underwear on. If you finally decide to venture outside, remember that Jupiter is your guide. This week, someone will try to fight you for your lunch. Don't give in. Also, don't let a dog lick you on Saturday. If your parents drop by unannonced, don't let them in. Lucky color: eggshell.
With wars breaking out all over the internet, don't be tempted to become a tank driver. You don't have the stamina and you don't know how to drive a tank. On Wednesday, a small child will hit you with a plastic shovel. Take it in your stride, don't hit back with your adult-sized fist. Society looks down you enough as it is. Drink water on Friday.
You are this week's star star sign. However, don't worry too much when juvenile acne appears on your face on Saturday. It's just all that cheese you had the night before. You will be forced to swear an oath of some kind this week, so don't lie, because if you do, someone will die as a result and your family will be haunted for at least 500 years. Again.
That's it for now.
Tune in next week, same time, same place, for another horoscope. It's about as accurate as all the others.
See you next week!