FML's Weekly Horoscope - 11th of August 2019
The week in bullshit
Hello and welcome to our regular feature in which we delve into the totally scientific world of the stars and planets, and turn our gaze to the future while gasping in shock. As this is FML, if you're expecting to be told that all is going to be fine, you're in for a shock. Have you seen the state of your life? Anyway, lets get on with it.
Your Pluto is increasing all over the week, which means that you should keep an eye on people who insist on closing windows when it's a nice day outside. And if you're going to go swimming on Friday, avoid diving. Try to add a little parmesan and pepper to your pasta on Tuesday, but don't try unusual drinks. You won't be able to handle them, and you'll fall on your ass. Again. Don't be afraid to look at your reflection in mirrors, but avoid appearing in CCTV so hide from the cameras. Remind yourself to call your mom, or your long lost friends. There will be an incident at work on Thursday. Try not to get the blame.
If you're thinking about investing in vintage guitars, go for it. Throw in a few effects pedals for good mesure. Don't do anything you may end up regretting for the rest of your life, especially on Wednesday, like pissing off an angry cat in the street or listening to an Alanis Morrissette song . Buy some toys just for yourself, take a childlike break from the world and dream of a different one in which your body stank is barely perceptible to people in the same room. Listen to the stars on Saturday, especially on Saturday if that makes any sense. The Moon is always a great companion, as is the Chapo Trap House podcast.
Consider making time to sit still for five straight minutes without worrying about your the opinions your friends might have about you. The truth is, no one really cares about anyone. Only the stars care. Answering questions for others will enlighten some, but will annoy someone else, especially on Friday night. Please take care of your feet this week, and you'll finally be able to realize your potential. Take a walk in a forest or a mall. Have a break. Stop thinking about your ex, you great big softy. Cheer for the other team for once, everyone has goals. Go on a vegan diet, you'll be able to mention it in every conversation.
Your Mercury is rising, which means that you should think about making a move, going to an organic food shop, or writing a concept album based on drone strikes in Syria. People from the Pisces sign will be as likely as not to look out for you, whether or not you want them to. You may even find this creepy as fuck, so feel free to tell them to go jump in a lake because Mercury told them to. If you doubt your talent and sex appeal, perhaps you will feel the warmth of Mars. Seek out something that smells nice and keep it for yourself, like a flower or a urinal cake. Drink more water, but try not to choke on it this time.
The stars say that your Saturn is encroaching, which means that you should watch out for bollards while driving, especially on Friday. You will get an offer to host a party for someone's children. Say no. Remember that you hate kids, and that they will probably ruin your furniture and carpet by playing with waterpistols and glitter. Are you wondering about contacting someone from your past? Now will become the time you decide and they will leave your message on "Read" like the utter bastard that they are. Buy some string cheese. Trust the Moon on Saturday and eat some figs. Mars loves figs.
Uranus says that you will come to terms with something you never knew you loved, and it will make you think twice before making a decision with regards to a friend or distant relative. Consider what to do, ponder it wisely. Think about your failed relationships, and light some incense. You will feel OK-ish, but that's better than most people. On Friday, someone will try to ask you for a back rub and/or sex. Don't eat anything spicier than celery this week. Look out for other Virgos, they are out to hurt you this week. Consider getting a pet, especially a lizard, because lizards suit your personality.
Be aware that your Jupiter is waning, which means that you should keep a lookout for Gemini men or women, as they might be someone to find comfort in, but maybe not in a sexual sense, because you are heading for a week of total confusion, whether or not that seems to make sense. If you doubt yourself, perhaps you doubt the universe. If you are feeling glum on Wednesday, don't bother going outside. Have a "me" day. Stay at home and feed your face with whatever you please. Call someone you haven't talked to since high school and call them a dildo, then hang up.
If you're trying to balance what you want against what people in your life want you to want, then consider it a situation where life has given you lemons. What do we do when life hands us lemons? We say fuck the lemons, and then bail. Figure things out and do the right thing. Mercury is waning for Scorpios this week, so remember that not every fork in the road has a knife to go with it, so eating on Tuesday may prove tricky if you make the wrong decision. Maybe Friday will be the day you've been waiting for to finally go boating for the first time in your life. Remember to wear a lifejacket and some appropriate shoes. Eat more apples and do crosswords.
If you feel you have time to spare, then maybe watch something on Netflix that isn't normally your thing. Like documentaries about cheese makers, sushi or white supremacists, and learn to become an expert in something that might come up during a dinner party. Things will become rainy in your heart on Wednesday, because Saturn and Mercury are conspiring to mess with your heart and making you want to overindulge in drugs and cigarettes. The good news is that your mindset is perfect for selecting the right musical soundtrack to go with them. Listen to The Smiths, and try to forget what a total dick Morrissey has become.
Before you know it, you will uncover something from your past. It will help you to understand that you never knew you deserved a raise or maybe a grade that you were surprised by. Someone will try to get you help them clean their garage out on Saturday, and it will make you consider being able to say "NO!" to those less fortunate than you. Not that it will help, because saying yes and being a doormat is your usual default position. Remember that Tuesday is your opportunity to be the angel you've always wanted to be, and no one can take it away from you. Not even your sister or brother, who will call you about that thing you broke the last time you met.
Accept your fate that you will always come last, as long as you keep trying and that you follow the wisdom of Mitch Buchannon in "Baywatch", in that running in slow motion on the beach can be helpful to save people sometimes. You may want a new friend or someone from your family to offer suggestions that you can't abide by, due to your innate stupidity, or just a friend, at least one in your life. You'll always have a friend in the Moon, who follows you no matter what. There's no reason to think bad things can't happen to you, they can, and will, just be prepared for them at the weekend. Stop listening to non-stop Doom Metal. Try a little Reggae.
Before you can find answers for yourself, maybe you should do something for someone you don't know. Or a dog. Then you can find what you need to get a girlfriend. Stop watching bad TV shows, especially ones with bad, outdated stereotypes. It's 2019 for Jupiter's sake. Tuesday night will bring you what seems like a promise of love, but it's just Uranus being a prankster, giving you an empty feeling every time you walk into a hardware store. Ignore all signs of a promotion at work or of a sale at your favorite store, you are not getting lucky for a while. Eat more chocolate, it's full of iron and magic.
That's it for now.
Tune in next week, same time, same place, for another horoscope. It's about as accurate as all the others.
See you next week!