FML's Thanksgiving Special: TGS
As many of us know through popular culture, today is Thanksgiving in the US. Come on, we’ve all seen a TV show involving a Thanksgiving dinner or plans to do so that have gone awry due to one of the main characters having an accident/the flu/a breakdown/Ebola. But a lot of the users on FML right now aren’t from the US, so they don’t give a shit. To quell the unnecessary, and frankly ridiculous anti-American sentiments we get now and again, we’ve put together an FML Thanksgiving special that will resonate within the hearts of most of our users, even the most jaded. We call it “Giving Thanks that I’m not ‘That guy’”.
Today, I was trying to wiggle my boxer shorts off to get it on with my girlfriend when my knee hooked on the elastic band. I was anxious to get started, so I used force and ended up kneeing my girlfriend in the crotch. FML
‘That Guy Syndrome’, or TGS as it’s not called in the scientific community because I just made it up between the refrigerator and my desk, is what is used to refer to many protagonists in FMLs. You can spot them pretty easily in the examples that I’ve used in this article.
Today, I sat down on a chair after my very large boss sat on it all day. When I got up, my pants were damp. FML
TGS just HAPPENS. You can’t really say that they deserved it, although many of our friends in the comments section will doubtlessly say that they did, simply for having a pulse and functioning limbs; things just seem to happen to them. It’s a syndrome that’s more of an affliction than anything else. Why does it happen? No one knows, mainly because I made it up, and no scientific data exists to say whether or not it actually makes sense, but I’m the one writing this, so bear with me.
Today, I held the door open for an old lady, before realizing she was a teacher taking 20-plus kids to lunch at local burger joint, all of whom got in front of me in the line to order. FML
See. This sort of thing happens even to people who think they’re being nice to others. It just happens. And by ‘That Guy’, I mean to refer to ‘The Guy No One Would Ever Want To Be’. Yes, I’ve used capitals for each word there. I’m hoping that it’ll become a song title, maybe written by Nick Cave, and he’ll thank me for the inspiration in the sleeve notes of his next album. But that sort of thing never happens. Why? Because of TGS.
Today, I puked up a centipede. FML
That’s what I’m talking about. Now, I’ve never puked up a centipede, but I’m certainly thankful that I never have. That’s what today is all about. Not to belittle the significance of the USA’s Thanksgiving, I’m just saying that the rest of us should take some time today to, you know, be thankful that we’ve never puked up a centipede. And if you have, maybe there’s a support group out there somewhere for you guys.
Today, I drove 12 hours with 6 screaming little girls. They were arguing about things that should've been in the Lego movie. They watched it 4 times. FML
Now, here’s a case of TGS that could imply that it’s his fault for getting into that situation in the first place. But as you get older, it’s part of life. You have to do this sort of thing. Driving kids about and having to listen to their inane conversations is thrust upon you like a sword at a knighting party. But still, who’d want to be in that car? Classic TGS.
Today, I boarded my first airplane flight. The girl on my right is sick, and the guy on my left says he gets extremely nauseous on flights. My earphones can't block out the panting and retching on either side of me. FML
Sexual antics, sexy time, sexual intercourse between two or more people. What could we be more thankful for today? The bedroom is of course a great place for TGS to strike. Especially if you’re across the street with a pair of binoculars and a thermos flask full of tea. You dirty little perv. It’s a lot less amusing when you’re part of the incident.
Today, as my girlfriend and I were making love, she started to moan and groan. All of a sudden, she stopped and said "I'm lying, you suck at this." FML
I’m not saying that has happened to me, but it has. No, it hasn’t. Or has it? I’m a man of mystery, and a very dodgy memory. TGS can really hit at any moment. Who would want to be on the receiving end of a statement like that? Be thankful today that your partner enjoys your love life. Or at least has the decency to let slide the fact that you are crap in bed. You know who you are.
I’ll finish off this day of thanks with the ultimate in TGS FMLs. Be thankful above all today for what you have right now, whether it’s your friends, family, loved ones, your cat, dog, guitar, car, house and home because it can all change at the drop of a hat. Or at the drop, if you’re Skrillex.
Today, I found out that my wife of 5 years has decided to change everything: job, clothes, hair style, car, and me. FML
Maybe there will one day be an International Day of Thanks, hoping for a life free from TGS. Take care.