FML's Survival Kit #19
Here's this week's collection of cool stuff that you definitely need! We make absolutely no money from this column, the revenue it generates is hardly worth our time, but we enjoy doing it.
Our team of geeky friends and colleagues, as most of you wonderful people are, is really into gadgets, games and weird stuff to play around with. This column will allow you to find out what sort of things we all like, what makes us all giggle enough to buy, but will also give you some ideas for upcoming events like birthdays, wakes and other fun things. Check out the beach life we live.
Getting beach-body ready!
"Hello gang! It seems that spring is upon us, and that over the winter I've let myself go. Well, that's what my wife has told me. She keeps dropping hints like, "Is that a solar eclipse? Oh no. It's you." or taking away my plates before I've even reached for the fork. So, even though I hate the primarily sexist notion of beach-body readiness (because let's face it, women bear the brunt of the whole bodyshaming issue), I've got this electronic gizmo to help work on my abs. I'm not sure how it works, but I'm hoping to have shaped my six-pack into something worth showing off down the lake in a few weeks. Fight that flab!"
I hate these
"This is a cry for help. I often go to the beach to lie in the sand, stare at the horizon and ponder life's mysteries, like, "How did we ever get hooked on 'Lost'?" and "How come I get fat really quick but it takes ages to lose it again?" Stuff like that. Then all of a sudden, a huge family comes waddling along and blocks my view with one of these bastard tent things. OK guys, you've got a baby in there, I get it, but babies are like wanking, it's great at home, but it annoys everyone on the beach. So stop planting these monstrosities on my beach, and fuck off back home. Arsecandles."
Shoes for the soul
"Hi again, people of FML. There's nothing I like more than setting off with my best buds down the highway on the way to the beach. We crack open some beers, light a fire and sing Bob Marley songs until one of us falls into the water or someone pukes on the embers. These shoes are cool no matter where you are, but they're designed for water, beach, snorkelling and all sorts of crazy shit. I wear them all the time now, because they make me feel like I'm wearing tires."
"Who doesn't like a Hawaiian shirt ? Especially these, which come in several colors and designs. As I've mentioned, I'm really into my fashion and I'm quite the clotheshorse. So believe me, if you want to score with the hot girl who works on the till at Ralph's, get one of these babies and talk with a British accent. The chicks dig it more than a Dave Lee Roth-era Van Halen album."
Rest your weary bones
"I'm a cat. I don't go to the beach, although my human saw some weird people walking their cat on a lead on a beach once. Well, that's what he told me, before threatening to do the same with me. Yeah dude, I understand your lingo. Stop calling me a shitehawk. Anyway, this is the towel for you if you like cats, lazers and/or tacos. Get it if you want to be the coolest on the beach this summer."
The bitch is back
"This week I've been looking into eastern religion, as a way to channel my emotions, lose my inhibitions and find my way in the world. However, I'm still going down the beach in Clacton-on-Sea, so I need a bag that says 'I've found inner peace, but don't fuck with my mellow.' This is that bag. It's great for carrying things, but's that's what a bag is supposed to do, what, d'you think I'm stupid or something? Get it if you're a bad bad sanskrit-speaking b-i-a-t-c-h."
My bald pate
"Genetics haven't been kind to me. First of all, I'm British, which means I'm crap at sexing the sex. Second, I got bald really quickly. The only saving grace is that I'm quite tall, so people can't generally see the top of my head. But the sun can. Fucking hot yellow bastard. When I go to the beach I can either lather my bonce in cream (which is like admitting defeat against genetics) or just wear a cool hat, like this one. I wanted to model myself on Lt. Colonel Henry Blake in M*A*S*H*, but I can't admit that or I'll be showing my age, so I'll just say I'm wearing a Reni hat. You know, Reni, from The Stone Roses? Oh forget it."
Kites for Easter
"As the rest of you keep on hunting for those FML eggs, I'll be on the beach flying my kite. I love kites. It's like, super relaxing, like taking a dump in a river or throwing a kitten into a jet engine. I got one of these babies to fly around and reflect on the relationship between wind and objects, and the fact that objects react to wind, and it gets really trippy and shit, and then I realize I'm starting to talk like that asshole from "American Beauty" filming the plastic bag, so I get my gun out and start shooting the kite, because that's AMERICA, FATHERFUCKERS."
That's it for this week. Hope you enjoyed our selection, and maybe even bought a few things! See you soon.