FML's List of Terrible First Dates

First dates rarely go well, and never more so than on FML.

Today, I was going on a first date with a girl I really like. We were going to see the new Harry Potter movie, and she told me she was getting all dressed up. It was only after I picked her up I realized she meant that she was dressing nicely. I was dressed as Harry Potter. FML 

Ah, dates, the dating world, meeting new people, getting to know more about people you’ve already been on a few dates with, then hoping to get lucky or at least get to first, second or if you’re really lucky third base and then a ride home. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, and it’s getting worse by the minute. "All the good ones are already taken!" people say. People can be silly like that, with their tired old clichés, but sometimes they can be right. But then again, they can also forget the FML factor that afflicts some of us. You know the ones, the unlucky souls amongst us who can’t seem to get anything right.

Not all first dates tend to go as well as this one.

My own worst first date started with one small mistake: just before leaving to meet her, I noticed that I’d missed a few whiskers while shaving, so I quickly dragged a dry razor across my cheeks, and rushed out of the front door. We met up in the rain, and made our way to the restaurant. Once inside, it became very clear that the place was hot and humid. I don’t do well in this sort of environment, and I start sweating profusely, partly from the heat and humidity, partly from nerves. Halfway through the stilted conversation, I left to go to the bathroom to freshen up and steady my nerves. Looking into the bathroom mirror, I realised that the impromptu shave had left two squarish red traces about an inch wide on each of my cheeks, making me look like a clown drawn by Picasso. I had two solutions, climb out of the bathroom window and flee into the rainy night, change my name and telephone number, or return into the dining room and pretend that I had “issues.” I did neither, and just plopped myself back at the table, admitting defeat and that I’d never see her naked. What's yours?
FML has a collection of similar horror stories about first dates, but also dates in general that have gone wrong. But first dates are the most stressful; you’ve met that person at the office, at school, at the supermarket, at the STD clinic, or anywhere you’ve managed to socialize. You’ve set up a date in a bar or on a park bench, and then you have to wait until it actually happens. And wait. And think of things to say. And wonder what’s going to happen. And get paranoid that you might say or do something stupid. But so many factors have to be taken into consideration. For example, first impressions are important:

Today, I stepped outside to wait for a cute guy to arrive after arduously preparing for our first date. Just as he rounded the corner, I tripped over the last stair and landed headfirst into my mom's fresh pot of snapdragons. My mom uses compost and manure for her plants. FML

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn't come back. FML

It’s also important for the person you’re on a date with to behave themselves, but it seems it’s not always the case:

        Today, I went on my first date in nearly a year. A few minutes into the meal, he called me "scrumptious" and made animal noises for the rest of it. FML
        Today, I finally got the courage to go on a first date with this guy I had a crush on for months. It was such a big deal for me cause it was my first date ever. The first thing he says when we met was "I have to take a dump." I sat by myself for 10 minutes. FML
        Today, I found out that some men think it's ok to clip their fingernails, at the table, in a restaurant, on a first date. FML


Sometimes, dates can be ruined by other people, especially family members:

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought up that there was a person staring at us from a nearby table. That person was my mom. FML
Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML
Today, my crush of over a year came over for me to take her on our first date. Today was also the day my drunken parents decided to dance the chicken dance in our front yard, naked. FML 


Of course, this shouldn’t deter us from trying again; first dates often turn into second dates, third dates, love, sex, commitment, IKEA furniture, lawns, kinky attire and much more. So, if something goes wrong, and you end up looking like a cubist clown in a sweaty restaurant, just kick back, enjoy the overpriced wine and play Boggle in your head. Maybe next time you’ll actually meet that special someone who doesn’t reach over to pull a hair from your head and use it to floss with, you’ll actually meet someone who makes you feel special, or just makes you feel yourself.

No, I don't mean fiddle with your knob in public, that’s a terrible idea for a first date. I should know.

By Alan/FML Team / Monday 10 September 2012 07:45 /
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Top comments
By  spaboolly  |  26

Are first dates ever really fun? I think people overcomplicate things to the point where they forget to just be themselves and let things happen naturally.

By  Pingvinai  |  37

I personally think that you're only really connecting with somebody when you don't have to worry about every little detail that could go wrong. It's once you are capable of laying back that you know you've found somebody special.

By  spaboolly  |  26

Are first dates ever really fun? I think people overcomplicate things to the point where they forget to just be themselves and let things happen naturally.

By  Pingvinai  |  37

I personally think that you're only really connecting with somebody when you don't have to worry about every little detail that could go wrong. It's once you are capable of laying back that you know you've found somebody special.

By  Shadow_Phantom  |  26

I guess I really don't have a usually way of going out with people. i just meet them on the internet and go from there; i think I've rarely been on a "date." I also have good luck with guys, not surprisingly. ^^;

Good read.

By  FYLDeep  |  25

A lot of those FMLs seemed to involve blind-dating where you have nothing but your first impression to go on. I'm not quite sure if it's smart to meet people this way since it probably takes both people out of a relaxed state and the whole thing is likely to turn into a job-interview-style encounter rather than a causal one where people aren't trying to just feed each other bullshit. For me at least, I'd probably rather observe people when they aren't trying to impress anyone since you'll probably get a better sense of their character. Not sure if this makes me sound creepy though.

  FYLDeep  |  25

I guess that's the price you pay if you meet someone online or answer a personal. Everyone's going to already be trying to manipulate the way they look to try and put their best foot forward.

In summary: meeting people is hard.

By  egc573  |  40

No mention here of bad first dates from the Internet? I've seen plenty on FML where all of the fun is in the omissions. Couple of pounds here, couple of DECADES there.

By  Epikouros  |  31

The worst first date I had was when a guy was rubbing his penis on my hairy belly while I was kissing his ass. So far, so good. Then he said: "Oh wait, I forgot to tell you my dick has very sensitive skin". Then he asked if he could fuck me with his bleeding penis.

Oh wait, did you mean a dinner date?

By  BiaBauer  |  29

So far my dates went well, because I'm that kind of person who can talk and talk about a lot of things and I'm just being me. If it doesn't works, then I'm ok with it.

By  Arch27  |  27

My worst date was a combination of bad choices by both of us.

It was Valentine's Day, 1993. She wanted to go out to eat but we didn't have reservations anywhere. All the classy restaurants were full and we ended up at Burger King. Then she wanted to go to a movie. She desperately wanted to see Schindler's List. It was too intense for her and she was crying her eyes out by the intermission. She wanted to leave but I wanted to stay to the end. I mean - I KNOW how it ends, historically, but I wanted to see how the film wrapped it up. She stayed, blubbering to herself the whole time.

And to think, we stayed together for a few more months after that.

By  MissMustard  |  20

It all sounds rather stressful! Thankfully I've never gone on a first date without having known the person at least as a good acquaintance beforehand. These stories aren't giving me much confidence for if I do go on a classic first date though!