Did you enjoy 2013? No? Here goes 2014 anyway.
So, 2014 is now with us… We'll dispense with the shockingly insincere New Year's wishes that are flying about right now, and get straight to it. To help you get through this trying time and the post-NYE party blues, here's a bunch of words. Bear with me. This article is actually a bit of a belated Christmas gift to you, with a bit of a feel-good element thrown in. Or should that be "a shocking indictment of the state of minds around the world, with some cynical clap-trap attached"? You know what FML is like, right? Anyway, we recently posted a selection of FMLs that we could never have been published on the website for being too weird. As a special gift, to welcome in the New Year, and before this sort of column eventually becomes a regular feature, here are some more!
"Today, I realized my stomach is so big I can clean my belly button with my tongue. It tasted bad. FML"
"Today, I stared at my turd long enough to realise it looked like a penguin. FML"
"today, i learnt the alphabet………………………….im 79 abcdfegihkjlmnopqrstuvwxynz FML"
(The FML garden, after the office NYE party)
I’ve always been fond of the holiday season. The tinsel. The lights. Ringing in the New Year with friends. The message of hope and booze. The songs. The Phil Spector Christmas Album. The lights. The New Year's eve parties. The way Noddy Holder goes, “It’s Chriiiiistmaaaaas” during Slade’s Merry Xmas Everybody. The Tinsel. Mince Pies. Kissing someone at midnight. Flashing lights. But everyone is dreaming of a White Christmas. Maybe not this sort though:
"I thought i was skiing when i woke up irelize iwas jerking my boyfriend an his friend off in my sleep long story short i ended up iwas covered in white stuff thati thought was snow fml"
The holidays are usually spent with your family, just after having a near nervous breakdown trying to work out what to buy them. Presents are the worst. Buying a present for someone without any specific guidelines is hard work, especially when the person you are buying for couldn’t care less, and can’t be bothered to put in the effort in return.
"My brother woke me up this morning and told me he was married to an asian foot doctor. Apparently they met while playing chess online. He has know idea how to tell mum and dad FML"
"I Saw My Mom’s Dick 2Day FML!!!"
"today my lil cousin ask me if my fish was thristy … and cried to my mom dat i wouldnt let her give he fish juice . and my mom yelled at me ."
What to do when the holidays with your family get boring:
You could always spice up your "special family time" with some fancy new activities for all ages to take part in. Here are a few I suggest:
-Organize a Fight Club in your garage. Easy to put together and the 8-year-old nieces and nephews are easy to deck to score points if you’re a grown adult.
-Naked Twister. Always a big hit with the old folks (no new-fangled computers to confuse them).
-Why don’t you all fuck off home: Stand in the middle of your living and scream, “Why don’t you all fuck off home?” until everyone leaves.
-Sit in silence and plan a mass murder. Or maybe not, eh? Just chill out.
We should include a "Happy New Year" card now. However, the arts department are all comatose under a table, and I'm all alone and am rubbish at Photoshop, so instead of a 2014 card, here's one from 1914:
(This card is 86% more cheerful than anything else produced today)
I do hope your family is none of this lot:
"i managed to decapitate an ant by farting"
"today my friend was making out with his laptop charger, and i used his physics question answers =D….fml"
"Today, while peeing, I noticed my pee smelt like mashed potatoes. I decided to drink it to see if it tasted like mashed potatoes. It didn’t. FML"
(Here's a picture of a happy Ricky Martin, for no particular reason)
Maybe I shouldn’t be so cynical. Maybe, as the philosopher Sophie-Marie Larrouy once said, we should slow our cynicism down. Remember, people are all someone’s children, parents, brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts. Yes, they may be simple folk who think wrestling is real, or can be nasty people who shoot woodland creatures in the face with rocket launchers, but they’re family. Your family. So maybe take the opportunity to get to know them better, engage with them. Have a chat; maybe you’ll learn something. But if they still act like tools towards you despite your best efforts, take a dump in their punchbowl and never speak to them again. Merry New Year everybody!