By Anonymous

Clever girl.

Today, I made a cup of coffee for a lovely old lady on the dementia ward. She asked for quite a lot of sugar in her drink, but I didn't question it. The moment I gave her the coffee, she threw it all over me. While scalding my skin, it also stuck to me. FML

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Triage

Can't buy me love

New life

By HelpMe1 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, my boss told me to fire the unstable, former military, gun nut employee. He's been making death threats to his supervisors. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Winston Salem

Today, my coworker and I were discussing our office's lack of break room, and how we should suggest a picnic table for our upcoming landscaping. We concluded that someone would let their dog steal our lunches if we ate outside. Working at the vet's sucks. FML

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By nikko blue - United States

Today, I decided to try whitening my teeth for the first time. I applied the strips to my teeth and decided to lay down and wait for the thirty required minutes to pass. I accidentally fell asleep and woke up three hours later. My teeth are still in excruciating pain and are covered in white streaks. FML

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By say what?!

Missed opportunities

Today, I got a text from a female friend saying, "So bored, come over, let's fuck.” Knowing her sense of humor, I laughed it off and sarcastically replied, "On my way!” About an hour later, I got a message from her husband asking what was taking me so long. They really wanted a threesome. FML

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By thatsnotmyname - United States - Calhoun City

Today, my boyfriend of a couple of weeks mixed up my name with his ex wife's name. After he said it, he looked at me and said, "You knew it was going to happen." FML

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By bbbkingsey - United States

Today, while walking through the park, a little boy came running up to me and hit me in the nuts with a stick. I fell on the ground and looked up just in time to see his mom giving him the thumbs up with a smile on her face. FML

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By Shropintz - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to move out. Excited, thinking he wanted us to move out from his mom's house, I said, "Yeah! Just you and me?" to which he smirked and replied, "No, just you." FML

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By barface - United States

Today, while very sick, throwing up in a bucket beside my bed, my dad came in pushed my face into the bucket. For a laugh apparently. FML

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By annoyedwithkids - Canada

Today, I was baby sitting ten year old twins. When they first saw me, they ran away screaming and hid in the closet. This isn't the first house where this has happened. FML

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By nick - United States - Highland Park

Today, my girlfriend started making pig noises during sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife thinks I will agree to anything she says if she just pleasures me orally. I now found out, she is correct. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was really stressed about a guy he works with being a jerk. I told him "if you ignore something long enough, it won't bother you anymore." His response was "I've ignored my herpes for a long time but it still bothers me." We've been having sex for 3 months now. FML

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By tallwoman - Denmark

Today, I was at a concert. During the concert, my shoelaces went undone, so I bent down to tie them. Not two seconds later, the girl behind me jumped on my shoulders and refused to get down. She said "tall guys" are the best to ride on during concerts. My name is Maria. FML

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By my eyes!! - 27/5/2020 08:00

Knock next time

Today, I walked in on my husband's elderly parents getting it on. It’s beautiful they still love each other, I just wish they hadn’t decided to express that love on our living room sofa. FML

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By Well then

Today, I discovered that my fiancé and I had vastly different definitions of monogamy. Don't worry, he only did it when he was mad at me to remind him how much he loved me. I found out from my best friend. FML

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By "Lisa" - Romania

Today, I made out with a handsome man in the restroom at a party. There was a knock on the door, interrupting us. It was his girlfriend. FML

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By notinterested - United States

Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML

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By mom - United States - Spring

Today, while driving home, my 3-year-old daughter told me she had to poop. I told her that she would have to wait until we got home. When we got home, she pulled down her pants and shat on the floor, because, "I'm home now." FML

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By Marleck - United States

Today, the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said "No, I mean the boyfriend type!" FML

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By sissica - United States

Today, when my husband got home from work, I was standing in the kitchen, wearing nothing but stilletos. He asked me to make him hot chocolate. FML

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By smells like ass

Today, my brother tried to ninja-kick his dirty underwear up into his hand. He failed and it landed on my face. FML

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By hangup - United States

Today, I checked my voicemail. I was really surprised to hear an adorable message from my boyfriend, who was vacationing in Florida. I was even more surprised to hear him having sex with some other girl for the last seven minutes of the message. FML

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By Embarassed - United States

Today, I had to explain to my father why most of the bar was giving him dirty looks at a concert. His air guitar motions made it look like he was jacking off under the table. FML

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By 800z - United Kingdom

Today, I biked 15 km to my girlfriend's house in really heavy rain to surprise her. Turns out she's on holiday in Spain, and hadn't bothered to tell me. FML

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By feminist - Canada

Today, I got into a heated argument at a restaurant with a guy I am seeing because he refused to let me pay for the bill and I thought it was sexist. When he finally agreed, I gave the waiter my card, only to have him return a minute later telling me it was declined. FML

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By MarkTheShark - United States

Good one, thanks

Today, I left work to find a note on my windshield that read, "I think you're cute," with a phone number written down as well. I got super excited and immediately dialed. The phone was answered by a woman laughing hysterically. It was my Mom. FML

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By gerbilmaster - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I had 3 teeth pulled. Due to the anaesthesia, my mom came along to drive me home. Halfway through my surgery, she decided to leave and go shopping with her friend. She even left a note with the receptionist, saying that I needed to take on my own adult responsibilities. FML

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By hatestomove - United States

Today, I fell down the stairs carrying a huge TV. Don't worry, my body cushioned the TV's fall. FML

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By shit... - United States

Today, I sent out my monthly curriculum list to the parents of the kids in my math class so they can see what their children will be learning. I usually end my e-mails with the phrase 'math is power'. Now, 154 parents got an e-mail saying 'meth is power'. FML

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By eewww - United Kingdom

Today, I took a 40 minute bus ride home from work. The first 20 minutes were spent listening to the drunk man behind me moan uncontrollably and belch. The last 20 minutes were spent trying to ignore the vomit he left on my back as he got up to leave. FML

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By van no gough - United States - Springfield

Today, I went out with two friends for lunch. The van we took ran out of fuel, so we pushed it to a nearby gas station, a gas station suffering from a gas shortage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Franklin

Today, at my minimum wage job, we received a half-way decomposed dog found in a lake. It was my job to tear open the bag and try to identify the breed and color. It would've been easier if the body wasn't crawling with maggots. FML

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By lean_mean_meme_machine - United States - Tampa

Today, I was visiting my grandma who has a beagle named Max. He was so excited to see me, he jumped on my face and peed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - La Crosse

Today, I gambled on a fart and lost. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, while cleaning my son's room, I found an envelope labelled "PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL" under his bed. I opened it, only to find it was a glitter bomb. I couldn't get it all cleaned off myself before he got home. He just said "HAH! Serves you right!" and went to his room smirking. FML

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By Joy - Denmark

Today, we had guests coming over. My dad wanted me to make some bacon, but I refused because I'm a vegetarian, and don't like to touch meat. His response? 'Good joke honey, now make the bacon.' FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend left me for another girl. My dad's reaction to the news and my tears was to say, "Aww. Gonna write a song about it, Taylor Swift?" FML

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By marsbar - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was moving his hand from his thigh to my chest but on the way he sort of squeezed my stomach. When I asked him why he did that, he told me that "his fingers got stuck under my roll." FML

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By Timmay - United States

Today, I was on the deck of a sailboat and I started feeling seasick. I bent over the edge to throw up. After I stood back up, the wind changed direction and the boon swung around, knocking me into the open ocean. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend referred to his penis as 'The Eye of Sauron'. It didn't help when he pulled down his foreskin, pointed it in my direction and said 'I see you'. FML

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Top comments

By MidnaLink | 32

#7551971 - Thursday 12 October 2017 23:16

No more coffee for her, that's for sure.

By Tripartita | 44

#7551985 - Friday 13 October 2017 0:01

Well, it's not like questioning it would've helped anyway.
"Why do you want quite a lot of sugar in your drink?"
"Because I'm going to throw it all over you."
"Ah-ha!"
"Darn, you got me."

COMMENTS

By MidnaLink | 32

#7551971 - Thursday 12 October 2017 23:16

No more coffee for her, that's for sure.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7551974 - Thursday 12 October 2017 23:29

That turned into a horror movie rather quickly.

By Tripartita | 44

#7551985 - Friday 13 October 2017 0:01

Well, it's not like questioning it would've helped anyway.
"Why do you want quite a lot of sugar in your drink?"
"Because I'm going to throw it all over you."
"Ah-ha!"
"Darn, you got me."

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7551988 - Friday 13 October 2017 0:21

Coffee napalm? Clever indeed. At least it wasn't covfefe.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7551994 - Friday 13 October 2017 1:01

Usually, the adjective preceding “old lady” is “sweet,” but that doesn’t really apply here.

By davecross | 11

#7552023 - Friday 13 October 2017 3:11

Wow she's an evil old lady with dementia

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7552037 - Friday 13 October 2017 4:52

Immature boys will eventually grow up, but bitches are forever.

Reply

skippydoda | 32

#7552065 - Friday 13 October 2017 7:37

You've clearly never met my brother.

By Jason Cropper | 7

#7552276 - Friday 13 October 2017 19:06

Diabolical on her part.

By Caci Johnson | 8

#7552309 - Friday 13 October 2017 20:58

well, that escalated quickly.

By Firestar268 | 24

#7552331 - Friday 13 October 2017 21:54

Well that heated up quickly