By Anonymous - 12/10/2017 23:15

Clever girl.

Today, I made a cup of coffee for a lovely old lady on the dementia ward. She asked for quite a lot of sugar in her drink, but I didn't question it. The moment I gave her the coffee, she threw it all over me. While scalding my skin, it also stuck to me. FML

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Rock, hard place

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Toxic parents

By Anonymous - 25/8/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my parents on their first day back from New York with candles I made. I used actual lavender flecks from our garden for the scent in the candles. My plan worked until the lavender caught on fire which then spread to all of our mail and newspapers. Welcome home. FML

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By Terminator101101 - 30/5/2013 23:06 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to go to the Apple store and log me on to Facebook on every single computer. FML

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By cantdolife - 23/9/2018 21:00 - United States - New Boston

Today, as a teacher, I had a conference with the mother of a student who is struggling with behavior. Turns out the mom is the woman who does my Brazilian waxes. FML

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By Gassy and sassy - 7/12/2014 06:15 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I farted while I was in the car with my driving instructor and my partner. They couldn't hear it, but it smelled so bad that my instructor thought there was a gas leak, and he made us switch cars. FML

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By Aggie_De - 14/12/2013 12:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I got the DVD back from a dance concert I did. After watching it, I realised that I had a camel toe through the whole thing. Three and a half hours. FML

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By MenstruallyFrustrated - 23/7/2013 17:18 - United States - Surprise

Today, I was at the store, when I saw my boyfriend in line in front of me. I looked to see what he was purchasing; it was a pack of condoms. When I questioned him, he said that, "They're for us, babe!" We already have an unopened pack at home, and it's my time of the month. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2011 13:31 - United States

Today, at a family reunion, my dad announced to everyone that I'd finally started my menstrual cycle. My grandmother started sobbing hysterically. FML

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By irony, huh? - 20/10/2019 14:00

Alexa, play "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissette

Today, I got mugged. For an actual mug. FML

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By idiotfriend - 16/6/2009 05:41 - United States

Today, I rented some movies in attempts to cheer up my best friend. Her husband just died a few weeks ago in a helicopter accident. I was in a rush and didn't read the descriptions of the two films, one was about a plane crash where all the passengers died. She cried through the entire movie. FML

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By nicetomeetyou2 - 25/9/2013 16:35 - Canada - Nepean

Today, a drunk man walked into my house at 2pm, screaming out, "Honey, I'm home!" He had the wrong house, but it looks like I've finally met my new neighbour. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 20:08

Alexa, play "I don't want to talk about it" by Rod Stewart

Today, my man believes he could never be the cause of a breakup. His strategy for eternal love? Try not to feel anything, and if you do, do NOT show it or talk about it. Just completely refuse to engage with your partner in any meaningful way. No fighting equals happiness. Right. FML

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By k - 9/6/2012 21:35 - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, while driving home from work, I noticed the driver next to me was happily chatting on her phone. I fucking despise these would-be murderers, so I slammed my horn to signal my disgust. She panicked and swerved straight into my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2013 20:35 - United States - Tunkhannock

Today, I was working as a nurse, and an elderly man had just passed away. As the patient's wife was leaving she said, "Thank you for taking such good care of my husband." Then I, intending to say "Sorry for your loss," said "Thank you for your loss." FML

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By lionhead14 - 20/5/2011 19:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up needing to wee. I was at my boyfriend's and didn't want to wake him, so I sat on the edge of the toilet and peed as quietly as possible. I realised after that I'd sat too far over and had peed on the floor. There was no loo paper. FML

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By CARAPPY LUCK - 27/9/2017 16:04

Today, the transmission on my brand new car went out. I bought it last month when the transmission on my old car went out. FML

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By bullsonyourface - 30/9/2019 20:00

Bread is serious stuff

Today, it's my 6-year anniversary with my fiance, but due to a lot of different family issues, I had to drive 9 hours with my dad to go visit them. Long story short, there was a giant argument about bread, my dad stormed out and I'm left to deal with this shit storm. FML

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By paymeinhugs - 17/3/2009 01:04 - United States

Today, I was swimming in the ocean with my best friend and a giant wave came and knocked off the bottom of my bikini. My friend told me that she would go get another bottom so I could walk onto the very crowded beach. She left me for half an hour, laughing from the shore with her entire family. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2017 00:30 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, after weeks of complaints and an engineer call-out for our photocopier, it turns out that all faults are user errors, and it's now my job to 'idiot proof' the printer. The people I work for are all educated on a Master's / PhD level and are responsible for cancer patient treatment at a major hospital. FML

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By seriously! - 19/3/2013 05:00 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while working in childcare, we went to a farm so the kids could see how things worked. They started showing off prize winning cattle and when they bought out "Miss Stacey", the kids lost their shit. My name is Miss Stacey. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2015 22:24 - United States - Southlake

Today, my mother called me, telling me how disappointed she was at how I let my room "become such a pigsty." I haven't lived there in three years. FML

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By Alex - 11/6/2019 14:30

Today, I was working at my job at a bank. A couple was waiting in the lobby, and not being busy, I asked what they needed. They told me that they were applying for a loan, so I asked if it was for something exciting. It was to pay for their 12-year-old son's burial expenses. FML

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By Tick - 20/8/2018 22:35

Today, I witnessed my first drunken bar brawl. Yes, my 54-year-old husband was one of the participants. FML

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By James - 1/4/2020 17:00

Gordon says you SUCK

Today, my sister was so bored during the lockdown that she let me attempt to cook an omelette without turning the stove on, just so she had something amusing to watch. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2012 18:10 - United States - Omaha

Today, I had to buy groceries while suffering horrible morning sickness. My nausea magnified as I stood in line behind an obese lady wearing a tank top and tiny short shorts. I lost everything in my stomach when she stuck her hand down her shorts and started scratching at her ass-crack. FML

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By fmynote - 27/8/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I wrote a note for my crush of 2 years, expressing all my feelings for him signed it as "Forever your lover" then I slipped it into his locker. Later that day, he walked back up to me, tossed the note at me and said "You know I recognize your handwriting, right?" FML

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By unluckybirthdaykid - 11/9/2017 23:15

Today, my birthday, was going great until my boyfriend received a text from a girl saying he gave her chlamydia. Now I have no boyfriend, but at least I have the chlamydia keeping me company. FML

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By jayswizzle89 - 29/7/2014 07:58 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I was having coffee with an old friend I hadn't seen since university. I asked about her husband; she replied, "he died" and walked away. I was confused, so I stood up and took off after her. She reminded me I was at the funeral, and then slapped me in the face. FML

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By Bob - 11/4/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I finally bought the toy my two year old son always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I give him the present, and he starts playing with the bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2012 23:51 - United States - Meredith

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by vaulting over the side of a stairway rail parkour-style. Now I feel like I almost broke my legs, and judging by her hysterical laughter, she considers me more of a fool than a stud. FML

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By whatislife1969 - 8/10/2017 04:30

Today, my work had an employee party at the park and I drank a little too much vodka. Towards the end of the party, I found myself making out with a tree in front of all my co-workers. FML

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By Juicy12Jham - 9/9/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with Microsoft Customer Service for about a total of 2 hours. That's the longest I've ever talked to anybody. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2017 08:00 - United States

Today, I ordered some food to get delivered. When I opened the bag a fly flew out. FML

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By gimp. - 8/5/2009 08:28 - United States

Today, I had surgery on my foot. The doctor told me I'd be on crutches for 6 months. I texted my boyfriend the news, promising lots of intimate favors if he'd watch movies with me while on bed rest for the next week. He texted back, "No way. I don't date cripples." Dumped for a broken foot. FML

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By Scared - 8/4/2019 17:00 - United States - Pacific

Today, I fell asleep while watching the Ted Bundy documentary. I'm a woman, home alone, in Seattle. The nightmares were so scary, I may never want to sleep again. FML

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By Unemployed - 28/8/2016 17:16 - Australia - Hinchinbrook

Today, I discovered that my supervisor, who I thought liked me, actually thinks I am incompetent and lack emotional intelligence. I'm a student nurse and I've just listed her as my reference for our single, statewide job application. There's no way to change it. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 08:25 - United States

Today, I heard my asshole neighbor had died of a stroke. I was outside and said, "Well it's about goddamn time!" I turned around to see his wife walking her dog and staring deep into my soul. FML

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By Isoldael - 7/11/2011 09:38 - Netherlands

Today, I caught three kids setting fire to a bush. After chasing them off, I parked my bike by a house and went to get water. After I'd put the fire out, I walked back to my bike just in time to see the kids running off with it. FML

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By Jason - 24/12/2017 19:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out that conducting CPR and saving a man's life means nothing if you break his ribs. He is suing me for $10,000. FML

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By mathesonn - 29/5/2014 23:32 - United States - Auburn

Today, out of habit from twelve years of karate classes, I bowed to my teacher as I exited my classroom. My chemistry classroom. FML

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By noname - 4/12/2008 05:55 - France

Today, after having waited three long months, my shy girlfriend finally gave me a blowjob. Everything was going really well until I said, "Wow, you're really talented. Anyone would think you've been practicing your whole life." FML

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Top comments

By MidnaLink | 32

#7551971 - Thursday 12 October 2017 23:16

No more coffee for her, that's for sure.

By Tripartita | 44

#7551985 - Friday 13 October 2017 0:01

Well, it's not like questioning it would've helped anyway.
"Why do you want quite a lot of sugar in your drink?"
"Because I'm going to throw it all over you."
"Ah-ha!"
"Darn, you got me."

COMMENTS

By MidnaLink | 32

#7551971 - Thursday 12 October 2017 23:16

No more coffee for her, that's for sure.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7551974 - Thursday 12 October 2017 23:29

That turned into a horror movie rather quickly.

By Tripartita | 44

#7551985 - Friday 13 October 2017 0:01

Well, it's not like questioning it would've helped anyway.
"Why do you want quite a lot of sugar in your drink?"
"Because I'm going to throw it all over you."
"Ah-ha!"
"Darn, you got me."

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7551988 - Friday 13 October 2017 0:21

Coffee napalm? Clever indeed. At least it wasn't covfefe.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7551994 - Friday 13 October 2017 1:01

Usually, the adjective preceding “old lady” is “sweet,” but that doesn’t really apply here.

By davecross | 11

#7552023 - Friday 13 October 2017 3:11

Wow she's an evil old lady with dementia

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7552037 - Friday 13 October 2017 4:52

Immature boys will eventually grow up, but bitches are forever.

Reply

skippydoda | 32

#7552065 - Friday 13 October 2017 7:37

You've clearly never met my brother.

By Jason Cropper | 7

#7552276 - Friday 13 October 2017 19:06

Diabolical on her part.

By Caci Johnson | 8

#7552309 - Friday 13 October 2017 20:58

well, that escalated quickly.

By Firestar268 | 24

#7552331 - Friday 13 October 2017 21:54

Well that heated up quickly