And the FML that made you laugh the most this week is:

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Today, I found out that I can never go to my local cinema again. Not just because of the current lockdown, no. The guy I gave an embarrassing, drunken hand job at a party to works there. FML

By Alan / Thursday 13 July 2017 15:39 / France

FMLNews

Rock, hard place

Assumptions

Peaky Bladders

By MyChemicalRomantic - 31/3/2020 02:00

Not that handy

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Today, my dentist dropped my bite plate for x-rays on the ground, picked it up, looked at it intently, took a couple of hairs off, and shoved it back into my mouth. FML

By ledentist - 12/9/2012 02:24 - United States - Center Barnstead

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Today, I leaned over to pick something up and heard a loud "pop" from my waistline, followed by a "clink" on the other side of the room. My pants button had popped off my pants. Time to lose some weight. FML

By -1 Pair of Pants - 30/5/2016 19:49 - United States - Westborough

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Today, I tried to be kind to animals and get my dad to buy cage-free eggs. When I told him it was dollar more, he started yelling and making a scene in the middle of the store, saying that chickens are ugly and they deserve to suffer. FML

By ilovechickens - 15/4/2012 03:46 - United States

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Today, after being yelled at by our boss because the office computer server has yet another virus, my co-worker and I did a bit of investigating. Apparently, the viruses aren't coming from client emails as we previously assumed. It seems that the problem is really our boss's porn addiction. FML

By Anonymous - 7/12/2011 18:43 - United States

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Today, while working as a plain clothes police officer, I witnessed a fight in a front yard. My partner and I intervened and clearly identified ourselves as police. Unfortunately, the two guys' mother didn't have her hearing aid in, and hit my arm with a baseball bat. FML

By Undercover - 12/10/2009 08:38 - United States

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Today, my hate for my mother-in-law now outweighs my love for my husband. FML

By Anonymous - 4/6/2017 00:00

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Today, while arriving to a date for the first time in a couple years, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm only dressed up because I had court today." FML

By anonymous - 9/10/2014 22:09 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, the only thing that managed to get me out of bed was scrambling to watch my neighbours have a screaming match in the middle of our street about which one of their brain-dead kids spray-painted "CUNT FLAPS" and a rudimentary knob on the communal garage door. FML

By Anonymous - 26/7/2011 14:05 - United Kingdom

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Today, I found out what "supersoaked" means. I thought it meant getting shot by a water gun, which is why I laughed when my daughter's boyfriend said he "supersoaked" her. FML

By FMyLife5915 - 4/9/2010 04:15

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Today, my girlfriend and I were watching TV. She starts to undo my belt buckle, unzips my fly and then takes my pants off. Right as I'm starting to get really excited, she says to me, "Just joking." FML

By Hikara - 13/4/2009 13:44 - Australia

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Today, I got my report card from school. I pulled my grade up in Algebra from a D to an A. My parents told me that they never expected me to accomplish this, and good job but they've already enrolled me in boarding school. So much for all that extra credit and staying late after school to study. FML

By bee - 23/12/2009 15:39 - United States

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Today, airport security took away my 32$ eyelash curler, because it could be used as a weapon. I miss the 90s. FML

By J.O.S - 17/8/2010 04:59 - Canada

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Today, I was sitting in a restaurant with my best friend. We had just competed in a pageant together earlier this month. A lady comes up to my friend who got first alternate and said,"You were robbed of that title. You deserved to win. I hated the winner." I was the winner. FML

By frosho - 9/3/2009 04:16 - United States

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Today, my dad uploaded his porn collection onto our family server. My mom was convinced I did it and sat me down for a long talk. FML

By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 01:02 - Canada - Toronto

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Today, my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone, and things got a little heated. We were in the middle of some kinky dialog, complete with hand action when he suddenly goes silent. While waiting for a response, I heard typing on the other end. He was checking his email. FML

By Eskyew - 23/7/2009 21:40 - United States

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Today, I woke up to my car covered in shaving cream and tampons and the word CHEATER written on my windshield in lipstick. The guy a few doors down from me in my dorm has the same car as me. I'm a virgin. FML

By CB4 - 5/2/2009 22:34 - United States

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Today, my drunk boyfriend decided to try to serenade me by throwing rocks at my window and singing a song about how much he loves me. This would have been extremely sweet if he would have gotten my window instead of my dad's. FML

By Anonymous - 31/8/2012 10:16 - United States

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Today, I finally got the guts to walk out of class 30 min. early only to find that the back door was locked. As I stood there like an idiot trying to get it open, all 200 people in my class turned to laugh. My professor stared at me. I then walked back to my seat sat down and unpacked. FML

By baller12 - 3/2/2009 15:25 - United States

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Today, I was eating out at a restaurant with my family. My dad had drained most of our bottle of wine, so thinking he'd be a little less uptight than usual, I reached over to pour myself some. He swatted my hand away and started yelling at me for being a "degenerate drunk". FML

By fuck you, dad - 27/9/2012 18:36 - United Kingdom - Brighton

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Today, my brother gave me a massive rope burn. He got a 30-second talk with our mother. I got an allergic reaction to the lotion used to ease the pain. My mother said I was overreacting. FML

By Puggle1019 - 17/7/2018 20:30

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Today, a little girl I give horse-riding lessons to told me she had saved up $8.00 for her own pony. I laughed and thought how cute she was, then realized that was more than I have in my own savings account. FML

By IHateBeingAStudent - 12/2/2012 09:43

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Today, I put on some sexy lingerie, ready to have some fun with my husband. I found him in the living room, opening a bag of doritos in front of the TV. He saw me and understood. Then he looked back at the doritos, then back at me and said gravely, "No way, babe. No way." FML

By Anonymous - 27/6/2014 23:50 - United States - Parker

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Today, my girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a schoolgirl. I was excited, until we started and she asked me to lick her "vajayjay". I cringed so hard, my skull practically caved in. I broke down laughing while trying to explain my cringing. Now she's pissed and I'm blue-balled. FML

By Anonymous - 14/2/2015 17:47 - Ireland

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Today, after trying to convince my girlfriend to have sex for almost 16 months, she finally said yes. I couldn't get it up the second she said it. FML

By Anonymous - 5/2/2013 06:40 - United States - Northbrook

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Today, I got better sleep in my 30-year-old compact car with it being 40 degrees outside than I did in my bed. Got something to look forward to, as I'll be homeless soon. FML

By broke - 22/5/2017 14:00

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Today, I've been on the verge of throwing up all day. Why? My dog is intolerant to grain, but grain-free dog food causes heart problems so she can't have that. Now our lives are filled with nasty farts and Hershey squirts with no end in sight. It's a rough time for us both. FML

By Anonymous - 30/8/2019 16:01

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Today, I asked a little old lady in line at my work why she wasn't out enjoying the beautiful day with all her friends. Her response, "I'd love to, but they're all dead." FML

By beckbr - 2/2/2009 00:51 - United States

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Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend of one year when an attractive girl walks over. She asks him, "Is this your girlfriend?" He replied "That depends... are you single?" FML

By Rejected. - 22/11/2009 17:49 - United Kingdom

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Today, my boss showed me a two-page letter from a customer, complaining about me because I couldn't honor a coupon that expired in 2009. He agreed that I did the right thing by refusing it, but said it would be a black mark on my record anyway due to the complaint. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2015 19:50 - Argentina

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Today, my husband and I got a new stainless steel microwave. When we took it out of the package we noticed it was blue and got angry. We were about to return it, but we called in our 12 year old daughter to see what she thought of the microwave. She then took off the blue protective plastic. FML

By BlueBaby123 - 25/7/2009 11:30 - United States

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Today, my mom found out that paper is made from trees. She read it on a garbage truck. I then had to explain to her how it's made. FML

By Cogibbt - 3/8/2019 12:00 - Canada

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Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to give his mother a box of chocolates and flowers for Mother's Day. She just stared at them and said, "What's this for? You're not my daughter, and never will be. But I'll keep the chocolate." FML

By Anonymous - 9/5/2011 04:37 - United States

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Today, my mom dropped me off at a friend's house. Upon leaving, my friend's mom said how much I looked like my mother. My mother then replied, "That's funny, she was adopted." This was the first I'd heard of this. FML

By Kelly - 26/5/2019 20:30

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Today, my mum was in a bad mood, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her I love her, and giving her a hug. She slapped me hard enough to leave a red, hand-shaped mark on my face, and told me to fuck off with my "sarcasm". FML

By Anonymous - 7/11/2014 08:03 - Australia

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Today, I got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. When he saw I had something in my pocket, he began to ask if it was a weapon. After arguing for a few minutes I was put in handcuffs. I was too embarrassed to pull the tampon out my pocket. FML

By Victoria - 21/10/2010 18:10 - United States

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Today, I caught my little sister taking a selfie in the mirror with a fake nose piercing, peace sign, and a duck face. She's 12. FML

By MusicLover18 - 3/9/2014 23:35 - Canada - Leduc

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Today, I found out why I can't sleep at night. My wife switched my sleep aid pills with energy pills. FML

By Blackfell - 7/8/2012 17:59 - United States

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Today, I went to get a double conch piercing. Afterwards, the lady asked me whether I was feeling well, because I was looking so pale. I had to explain that it's my normal skin tone. I'm just pale as fuck. FML

By Kathleen Verhaegen - 5/3/2020 21:00

Pale AF

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