All Aboard The FML Express

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Today, I tried a photo booth that automatically whitens skin. Being naturally very pale, the machine whitened me so much that my face merged with the white background. FML

Camouflage game on point.

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By Anonyme - Japon - Tokyo

915

136

Today, in Indonesia, while being driven around on a motorcycle, the rider told me that he was in love with me, and that he was very rich. He offered me the equivalent of 7 euros in exchange for my services in a nearby bush. FML

First comes love, then comes marriage, but first - a quickie in this bush.

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By Anonyme - Indonesia

927

Today, straight after we had sex, my boyfriend went to the bathroom. He stayed in there for a long time, but as I also needed to go, I went to check on him. He was trying to urinate into the condom, “just to see what it was like.” FML

Experimenting is healthy.

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By anonyme62 - Cameroon - Ringo

742

Today, I've been living in Germany for several weeks now. My classmates still cannot pronounce my name: Clémence. Instead they call me, “Baguette.” FML

Close enough.

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By baguette - Germany - Minden

752

Today, after having to move home with my parents because I'm broke and can't seem to find a job, my mom found out I'm on anti-depressants. She and my dad will no longer be helping with money because she doesn't like "drugs". FML

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By Nina / Monday 12 June 2017 11:29 / France

FMLNews

Motivation

Overreaction Man

The Fear

By Elsine

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228

Today, I found out that if I were 2 inches shorter, I would have to sit in a booster seat in the car. I'm about to turn 22. FML

By shorty - United States

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Today, I learned that our cats love to knock over glasses and cups, particularly if they have liquid in them. The latest victim of their antics? My expensive computer keyboard. FML

By I don't trust them.

Cats are Satan's Minions

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963

Today, I am violently allergic to my boyfriend's new hand cream. I know this because after last night's quickie on the sofa, I now have a rash all over my skin and weeping sores inside my vagina and around my bum hole. FML

By Anonymous

recoils in horror

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837

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML

By more than I wanted to know - Italy - San Giustino

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Today, I left my desk to go to the bathroom. I arrived back at my desk to a large package of SlimQuick packets. Guess my coworkers think I need to lose weight. FML

By blondieforlife - United States - Racine

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Today, I was at work when a cute guy came up to me and said he liked my shirt. In a desperate attempt to say something back, I said, "Thanks, I like your shoelaces." FML

By anonymous - United States

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Today, I went to a party. I tried dancing in public for the first time ever. Judging by the whispers, stares and giggles, I'm never doing it again. FML

By Travolta - United Kingdom

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Today, I learned that my mother might not live much longer. My boyfriend, instead of showing compassion asked me, "We're still having video chat sex, right?" FML

By Forever sad - United States

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Today, I drove my husband's car to the mall because my car was in the shop. The bumper was being repaired because I got rear ended while stopped at a traffic light. While stopped at the same intersection I got rear ended again. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

By caroline - United States

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Today, I was sleeping next to my girlfriend and I turned over to the sound of her talking in her sleep. Because it was so cute, I was happy and I smiled, until she began to talk about "Troy" and "all the nasty things you can do to me." FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I was at church and saw a blind teenager who obviously felt lost. Feeling like I should help I went over and asked if he needed anything. He said, "I can't find my caretaker." I asked, "What does she look like?" FML

By wideman - United States

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Today, my pet rat had babies. We've only ever owned one rat. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I was walking my dog when he stopped in the middle of the street and took a dump. I looked around furtively but saw nobody, so I just kept walking. I stepped in it on the way back home. FML

By BaliTheDog - France

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Today, I have a cold, and was stuck sleeping in bed. My roommate decided to wake me up by sticking headphones in my ears and playing heavy metal on full volume. This is the third time this week. FML

By shadowsorel - United States - Chicago

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Today, after a little detective work, I found out the money that recently went missing from my college fund was transferred by my mother, to her own account. She claims it's to pay a parking ticket. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I didn't know they fined people over $3,500 for a parking violation. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Aldergrove

Scammed

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Today, I learned that my husband and I share the same taste in men. FML

By Miss_Blaine - United States - Houston

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Today, my boyfriend gave me a card for my birthday and told me to open it 10 minutes after he'd gone; I waited for 5. In the card was written, "It's not working out, but here's $20." FML

By blah - Canada

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Today, after 3 nights of insomnia, I was finally able to doze off. My boyfriend woke me up just to ask which soda in the fridge was mine. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I finally got to see my favorite aunt after months of her living far away with her new boyfriend. She now believes the Earth is flat, gravity is fake, the government is run by reptiles, and that vaccines are the devil themselves. She won't stop trying to convince me of her conspiracies. FML

By Inez333

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Today, I was taking a table's order. After I finished, the guy told me, "Just FYI, I'm not a tipper." Trying to lighten up the situation, I replied, "It's amazing how many people forget I handle their food." He complained to the manager that I'd threatened him. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

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Today, I saw the girl I had started dating changed her Facebook relationship status to "In a relationship". Naturally, I changed mine too. The next time I logged on, she had commented, "Really?! Who?!" She was serious. FML

By Lies - United States

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Today, my parents left on a trip. I wanted to invite my girlfriend over for a few days so we could spend them together. Then my grandparents turn up, "just for a few days, until your parents return, so you won't be alone in this big house." FML

By homealone - Canada

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Today, I practiced my drum playing in the garage instead of my room out of consideration for my neighbors. Guess the consideration wasn't mutual, because one of my neighbors just shot a hole in one of my drums with an air gun. FML

By drummerboy - United States

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Today, my 4-year-old daughter couldn't sleep, crying that her teddy bear wants to eat her. My husband thought it would be funny to put the bear right in front of her face while she slept. She's now terrified to sleep anywhere but in our bed. FML

By Anonymous - Ireland

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Today, my girlfriend was really depressed. I listed the top 50 reasons why I love her. Her response was "thanks for that but seriously, this video on youtube is hilarious." I couldn't cheer her up but apparently a 10 second video of a dog running in circles can. FML

By Samson - United States

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Today, I realized my boyfriend's family love and respect me more than my own family. FML

By Anonymous

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Today, my girlfriend came over to talk. She just got back from a small vacation. She asked me to feed her dogs while she was gone, so I did. I even stayed with them at times so they wouldnt get lonely. My girlfriend had come over to break up with me. She didn't do so earlier because she needed her dogs fed. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I found out that the $200 I reluctantly gave to my mother so she could rent a house was paid to a scammer. Now she wants to live with me, in my one bedroom apartment. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Saint Cloud

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Today, for the third time this week, a random person in the street walked up to me and told me how much I look like Grumpy Cat. FML

By no - United Kingdom - London

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Today, I got a phone call from my boss, who'd hired me after two months of waiting and begging for this position. A week into the job, the company is closing our store. FML

By Anonymous

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Today, I've spent nearly three weeks indulging my boyfriend's weird fetish, where he wears a hockey mask and I call him Jason. He just confessed it isn't really a fetish for him and that was just fucking with me. He's already told all his friends. I'm humiliated. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cardiff

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Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML

By sick and awkward - United States - Silver Spring

Cosy chat

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Today, I had to console my drunk dad over his girlfriend breaking up with him. When he said, "You know why we broke up don't you?" I replied, "Yeah, you were fighting a lot, right?" Wrong. I then had to explain to him that his erectile dysfunction wasn't something to be embarrassed about. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

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Today, I got a job, a good job with benefits, 401 k, took a lot of work to get this: background check, drug testing, being qualified and I need to pay bills. I can't even be happy because my husband got demoted. It's all about him, and fuck my hard work. FML

By Jesica Mcgee - 29/10/2020 18:02 - United States - Ferndale

Narcissist

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Today, my boyfriend and I were furniture shopping. They had miniature versions built of some of the desks. He commented how they were "cute for little kids" to use. They were 6 inches tall. I had to explain to him that they were only models, not real desks. I'm dating Zoolander. FML

By anonymous - United States - La Pine

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Today, while giving a lecture about gases to a large chemistry class, I went outside to let loose an unusualy loud fart while they took some notes. I came back in only to see 300 students dying of laughter. I had left the wireless mic on. FML

By DrGas - United States

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Today, I found out that my girlfriend secretly purchased a vibrator and has been using it for the past two weeks. When I confronted her, her only argument was "It's made me cum more times than you could." FML

By ToysforHire

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Today, in the very middle of the night, my kitten started rubbing against my face. Thinking I saw her face in the darkness, I decided to kiss her before going back to bed. My lips made contact with her butthole. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Reno

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