All Aboard The FML Express

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Today, I tried a photo booth that automatically whitens skin. Being naturally very pale, the machine whitened me so much that my face merged with the white background. FML

Camouflage game on point.

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By Anonyme - 25/3/2016 03:52 - Japon - Tokyo

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Today, in Indonesia, while being driven around on a motorcycle, the rider told me that he was in love with me, and that he was very rich. He offered me the equivalent of 7 euros in exchange for my services in a nearby bush. FML

First comes love, then comes marriage, but first - a quickie in this bush.

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By Anonyme - 3/12/2015 06:22 - Indonesia

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Today, straight after we had sex, my boyfriend went to the bathroom. He stayed in there for a long time, but as I also needed to go, I went to check on him. He was trying to urinate into the condom, “just to see what it was like.” FML

Experimenting is healthy.

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By anonyme62 - 13/4/2015 09:51 - Cameroon - Ringo

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Today, I've been living in Germany for several weeks now. My classmates still cannot pronounce my name: Clémence. Instead they call me, “Baguette.” FML

Close enough.

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By baguette - 2/9/2014 23:32 - Germany - Minden

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Today, as I was walking through the park I had to yawn. In mid-yawn, with my mouth wide open, I walked right through a spider web getting both the spider and the prey it was eating stuck in my mouth. FML

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By Nina / Monday 12 June 2017 11:29 / France

FMLNews

Season finale

This ain't working out

Property law

By Anonymous - 8/9/2009 19:02 - United States

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Today, a customer complained that one of our cashiers smiles too much. FML

By Anonymous - 7/11/2016 15:48

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Today, the VP of my company stopped by my desk to personally deliver praise on my recent performance. I watched in helpless horror as the noxious fart I had just released slapped him in the face. He was too polite to leave but gagged through his entire speech. If farts can kill careers... FML

By FartMyLife - 11/8/2016 11:34 - United States - Brooklyn

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Today, I finally quit my job after talking with a friend about making our own design/multimedia company. While I was on my way to his house, he called me and told me not to quit because he got an awesome job offer and couldn't refuse. FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2010 19:22 - Chile

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Today, I sent a scantily clad pic to my boyfriend, to which he responded "Nice, but please clean your room". FML

By love you too honey boo - 13/1/2020 05:00

Dirty room

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Today, my daughter and her boyfriend excitedly told me that after months of trying they are finally pregnant and that I'm going to be a grandmother. This would be great news if they weren't 15. FML

By GMD - 18/9/2012 20:20 - United Kingdom - Belfast

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Today, I was browsing the web on my boyfriend's laptop, when I idly clicked a bookmark. It turned out to be his private blog, where he most recently spoke in very creepy detail about his efforts to make me love him, remarking that, "Soon, I'll plant my seed in her breeding hips." FML

By Anonymous - 22/5/2012 20:49 - Canada - Edmonton

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Today, I got through to the phone interview stage for a great job. When the phone rang, I answered and suddenly, spontaneously, burped really loudly. The interviewer hung up. FML

By urrrppp - 26/3/2010 09:44 - Netherlands

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Today, I was enjoying a nice shower in the morning. While I was massaging the shampoo out of my hair, I saw the gardener walking past my bathroom window, yelling "Good morning" and waving in my direction. My left boob politely waved back at him. FML

By AlexaSt2611 - 25/8/2010 00:08 - Paraguay

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Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill for a piss test I took earlier this year. FML

By birthday girl - 26/7/2014 04:55 - United States - Toledo

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Today, my mom thought it would be a good idea to bring my obnoxious ex to my birthday party. FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2020 03:00 - United States - Silver Spring

Birthday gift

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Today, I left my house angrily after arguing over the Super Bowl. I guess karma gets nasty when you wish a member of the opposing team would break his back. I fell down the stairs. FML

By Anonymous - 12/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Princeton

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Today, I told my dad I was going to the gym. He stood up and clapped. FML

By kaitylait - 19/8/2011 00:59 - Canada

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Today, I was running with two other women when a guy started tailing us in his car and catcalling. I quickly got fed up and gave him the finger. Turns out, he's the husband of one of the women I was running with. For the next half hour, I had to listen to her go on about how adorable he was. She totally saw what I did. FML

By Anonymous - 25/6/2019 05:00

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Today, my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. We were using chocolate spread and I was riding him. When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. I knelt down to smell it. It was NOT chocolate. FML

By Poopy - 12/1/2009 16:19 - United States

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Today, I got my new smartwatch that I ordered for myself on the promise that I would use it for tracking my new exercise routine. Instead, I used it for playing Pong whilst eating cake and drinking wine. FML

By TomorrowMaybe - 8/10/2016 16:29 - Denmark - Frederiksberg

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Today, my tonsils swelled to roughly the size of golf balls. My mom refuses to take me to the hospital because she's convinced I got it from kissing someone, and until I "fess up", she's not budging. FML

By Eden - 14/7/2011 20:21 - United States

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Today, I got scared by my own leg fat. FML

By wobble... - 23/2/2012 11:29 - Australia

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Today, it was my high school graduation. I brought my camera to capture these last memories, only to discover that the batteries were dead. When I got home and went to change them, I realized they were not dead, they were just put in the wrong way. FML

By keifer13 - 3/6/2009 05:22 - United States

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Today, I found out that my family hides food from me. FML

By Stupid_Chick - 1/6/2010 01:09 - Canada

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Today, it was my first day as a promoted manager. I got fired for being late. FML

By Pouya - 18/12/2010 06:03 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend told me all about how his parents sat him down last night and had a 20 minute talk with him about how I'm the biggest mistake he'll ever make. FML

By Anonymous - 20/1/2013 05:01 - United States

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Today, I told my girlfriend I was quitting the town baseball team. She said "Great. Now we can get someone with actual talent on the team." I laughed because I thought she was joking. She then replied "What's so funny?" FML

By xxbobsan - 21/4/2009 05:17 - United States

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Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get a regular sleeping pattern, I finally fell asleep without the help of medication, only to dream about being chased by an angry seal and singing to Rihanna with a horse. This is probably why I don't sleep. FML

By Sleepless - 3/2/2014 13:29 - Australia

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Today, a girl who has had a problem with me for as long as I can remember, tagged me in a Facebook status update in which she equated my intelligence to that of a mollusk and equated my weight to that of a hippopotamus. My boyfriend, as well as several of my "friends," liked it. FML

By smarter than a mollusk, skinner than a hippo - 10/11/2010 17:33 - United States

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Today, my mom was feeling down, so I decided to buy her a gift. Knowing she likes lighthouses, I bought her a tiny one that plugs in and lights up. I brought it home, plugged it in, and when she saw me with it, she said, "Wipe that smirk off your face and get that junk out of here." FML

By NoorFML - 19/10/2012 14:37 - United States - Baton Rouge

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Today, the boy I've liked for the past 8 years asked me out and then dumped me when he realized that I was taller than he was. FML

By Anonymous - 23/1/2010 15:06 - United States

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Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Dinner was going well until her dad secretly fed the asparagus to the dog under the table, and then "discovered" what a childish thing I had done. My girlfriend believed him. FML

By bf - 19/12/2013 02:59 - Canada - London

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Today, I have dark hairs growing on my chest, nipples and stomach... I'm a 19 year old girl. FML

By - 2/1/2009 18:06 - France

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Today, I discovered that the ancient looking coin I dug up in my front yard is worth hundreds of dollars. Too bad I found that coin when I was eight years old, and have since misplaced it. FML

By Ugh - 20/9/2011 10:07 - United States

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Today, a 32 year old man I had been dating for a few months, finally took me to his place. To my surprise, this bachelor had a huge and very clean home! Also, to my surprise, I met the REAL homeowner. His grandmother, who came home early. We were having sex on her couch at the time. FML

By x - 21/2/2009 02:39 - United States

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Today I went to the bus station to pick up a lost phone. Even after calling ahead the day before, I was turned away because I hadn't e-mailed. The website says to call and doesn't list an e-mail. I still don't have the phone. FML

By bureaucracy - 29/1/2017 13:00 - United States - Bellingham

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Today, I was forced to look on in utter horror as an old lady backed out of her parking space, kept going well past the turning point, and slammed straight into my car, putting a dent in the front and shattering the headlights. FML

By JFC! - 31/3/2011 01:07 - United States

AAA, hello?

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Today, my grandma told me she likes to clean the house naked every day. I'm staying there all next week. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2019 16:03

Her House, Her Rules.

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Today, the company I work for decided to herald the step to becoming fully digital by hanging physical passive-aggressive flyers everywhere, urging everyone to go digital. Might as well have written, "Save the trees" on them. FML

By tdtf - 16/3/2016 09:11 - Germany - Neuburg

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Today, I got a popcorn kernel stuck in my throat. It was quite irritating so thought I could get it out with my finger. Good thing, the kernel is gone. Bad thing, I now have the rest of my lunch on my shirt as well. FML

By emilyupsidedown - 16/1/2010 05:08 - United States

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Today, I had to teach my grandma how to burn files to CDs. I jokingly said that it doesn't involve literally burning the disks in fire, to which she responded by slapping me and calling me a patronizing brat. FML

By shamwazzlefarznarfnarfwoofbaaa - 29/3/2015 14:03 - United States - Bronx

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Today, I was walking in the mall and passed one of the hair product booths (with the people who constanly harrass you as you walk by). In front of half of the mall the woman working there told me that she had several products that I could use to touch up my roots. I'm a natural red head. FML

By Noname - 24/1/2009 15:24 - United States

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Today, I got home from work, took a shower, got ready for bed, and laid down right in cat piss. Now I'm shampooing the mattress and taking another shower just to sleep on the couch. FML

By Anonymous - 30/8/2018 23:30

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Today, my parents came to visit me. I bought boxers and cologne to make it look like I had a man here. I've been single since I moved away. FML

By Anonymous - 30/9/2011 01:33 - United States

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