5 Straight-Up Stupid Beauty Trends That Are a Thing in 2017 Because We’re Too Messed Up from 2016 To Know Any Better

In 2017, beauty has a new conception and it’s totally bonkers. It would appear that in the wake of 2016, a year which was itself a massive FML, our collective trauma is so deep, we’ve lost all touch with reality and entered the Twilight Zone. Need proof? Just check out the beauty bloggers.

Remember when we all decided 2016 was the worst year ever? From international political panic to losing legends like Bowie, Prince, and Harambe, our spirits were distressed. But it’s hard to remember how demoralized we all felt by the end of 2016, since 2017 hasn’t proven to be any better.

One thing is certain, though. 2016 changed us. Broke us. And the PTSD of our collective consciousness has manifested in mania.

Not even a subtle mania. We’ve nosedived all the way down the rabbit hole. We're full-on Joker-style manic. We're Willy Wonka on LSD manic.

It’s evident in a number of places. From bagels to frappuccinos, the food we eat must now also be baptized by rainbows and dubbed “unicorn.” If not, it’s got to be “deconstructed,” which is just a lazy way to get people to pay cooks not to do their job. And as if fashion weren’t already manic enough, now rompers exist for men and shoes have toes in the front AND the back.

What has 2017 come to?


But more prominently than anywhere else, our trauma reveals itself in the incomprehensible beauty trends that have taken ahold of social media this year. These trends prove that society has officially lost its marbles.

Let’s face it, these crazy beauty trends are just a way of covering up our shattered, lunatic, scarred psyches. Thanks, 2016.

This is all your fault.

1. Vagina Nails

"Pussy" is now a word we hear journalists using all the time. From pussy hats to Riverdale’s pussycats, if there were one word to encapsulate the spirit of the year, it would probably be pussy. On second thought, it would actually be "covfefe" but "pussy" comes in at a close second. It was only a matter of time before this trend happened!

2. Hairy Selfie Nails

Having trouble expressing yourself? Some of us have experienced such a range of emotions in the last couple years, that we have emoted so much that it is physically impossible to emote anymore. That’s why you need selfie nails. Paint on what your expressions would’ve looked like if you weren’t dead inside, so that when you need to explain to someone how you feel, all you have to do is give them the finger.


Matildain ?

A post shared by Dain Yoon 윤다인 (@designdain) on


Let my hair grow here 머리가 자란다 painted all by myself @designdain

A post shared by Dain Yoon 윤다인 (@designdain) on

3. Lollipop Lips

One way we’ve learned cope with 2017 is by reverting back to a child-like state. For me, that means calling my mom several times a week so she can coax me out of a panic attack. For others, it’s taking on the resemblance of a five-year-old who doesn’t know how to eat a lollipop and has managed to get it all over the place. It shows a vulnerability that mirrors a progressive society’s vulnerability to regress 50 years.

4. Glitter Roots

If there were one universal truth to transcend culture, language, class, race, SJW babble, etc, it’s that glitter is the work of the Devil. You’re drawn to its sheen and shine but once you touch it, you become its slave forever, which is why intentionally putting glitter on the roots of your hair, the hardest place to get rid of it, is essentially a form of self-sacrifice. Those who have chosen to partake in this trend are the ones who who’ve been most affected by these trying times. I’m afraid we’ve lost them forever. Go in peace. The glitter has you now.

5. Wavy Brows

Brows are clearly the hottest trend of the year. All kinds of ‘em. Barbed brows, rainbow brows, unibrows, braided brows. Literally do anything to mess up your eyebrows, put it on Instagram, and you’ve made it. But wavy, sometimes called squiggle, brows are by far the most poignant eyebrow trend because they symbolize the ups and downs we’ve experienced in this roller coaster of a year. Wavy brows are a cry for help for all those who are struggling to get a hold on reality because it’s just too damn turbulent.


#ТурбоБрови . Хай , Пупсики ? Словила волну в Brow Индустрии ? Новый #Мейнстрим . Решили с Девчонками сделать #Флешмоб . Кто с нами ? ? Будьте в тренде? Выставляйте свои Фотки с хештегом #турбоброви Зарядимся позитивом✌? . Кстати вечером Розыгрыш Подарков ... Смотрите Сториз ??? . #ЕкатеринаКуклина #wavybrows #fashionstyle #fashiongirl #fashionismyprofession #hudabeauty #mac #nyx #makeup #brows #russiangirl #followme #vsco #бровиКиров #КировБрови #ОформлениеБровейХной #browmaster #МакияжКиров #ВизажистКиров

A post shared by МАКИЯЖ~БРОВИ ХНОЙ~ПРИЧЕСКИ (@katyukatyusha) on


New Brow trend??? When you're tired of being basic. Somebody dare me to go out like this ? @melovemealot vibezz

A post shared by Promise Tamang (@promisetamang) on

Guys, the sad truth is that these aren’t even half of the weird trends to strike 2017. I didn’t even mention the nipple nails, vagina glitter bombs, or furry nails. These trends are a sign of something deeper. Of a trauma that has shaken us to the core. 

All I can say is though 2017 may not be the most rational year to date, at least it’s not dull!

By Nina / Thursday 14 September 2017 15:32 /
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