20 Hilarious Tweets About the Game of Thrones Season 7 Premiere

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Today, I purpose woke up early so that I could be prepared for a class taught by a professor who thinks I'm an idiot. This professor was the first to tell me that I'm 2 hours early and asked very slowly if I know how schedules worked. She seriously sounded concerned. FML

By Ughhhhh - 3/10/2016 16:18 - United States - Stockton

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Today, I had to explain to my rabidly religious brother how two transvestites can buy fish at Petco while he's buying the same fish at the same Petco, and it doesn't equate to hitting on him. It's been two hours, and he's still sitting outside my door reading Bible verses and praying aggressively. FML

By mademoiselle meurtre - 13/4/2015 02:51 - United States - Belleville

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Today, a kid looked at me, screamed, then ran away yelling "Chewbacca!" FML

By DrLight - 17/1/2015 01:59 - United States - Raleigh

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Today, I had to turn down an invitation to one of my best friend's birthday party because I had been scheduled to work. Little did I know that my job on that day would be setting up the tents, tables, and chairs for that very birthday party. FML

By Sam - 15/7/2013 05:14 - United States - Elmhurst

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Today, I had to explain to a coworker that even though, yes, I’m Polish and, yes, my family’s from Poland, that, no, we’re not from The North Pole. We’re not from Antarctica either. FML

By Anonymous - 9/5/2019 20:00

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Today, I bought a brand new Wii U. My cat must have thought the wires looked tasty because he chewed through each of them, which will now cost me another $100. FML

By why me - 29/6/2016 04:41 - United States - Milford

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Today, my boss commented on the fact that I don't usually wear makeup, then told me it would be much appreciated if I'd change that. FML

By sarahc_c - 8/12/2014 09:17

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Today, my girlfriend made me shave my chest. Afterwards, she said I looked like I was 12. She won't have sex with me until it grows back. FML

By thelistman - 13/11/2009 19:04 - United States

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Today, I went to my parents house to secretly collect all of their home videos and convert them to DVDs as a Christmas gift. Among them I found a sex tape my parents had made. FML

By Anonymous - 21/12/2016 23:13

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Today, I once again told my son he needed a job and a girlfriend because I simply could not keep him in my house anymore. He yelled, "No, I can do whatever I want!" Then went back to playing video games. He's 38. FML

By oldmama728 - 28/4/2011 11:07

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Today, I found out that even though I suffer from insomnia most days, I can sleep within 5 minutes of studying Solid Mechanics, especially when I have an end term the next day. FML

By EaglEye - 2/11/2016 08:29

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Today, I got home from a family trip to Disney World. I had taken nearly 300 photos of our trip on my new digital camera. As our car pulled into the driveway, I was using my camera to try to delete one unflattering shot of me. I accidentally deleted every picture off the memory card. FML

By PictureLess - 10/1/2010 17:14 - United States

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Today, my mother kicked me out of the house because her new boyfriend needs my room. Evidently he also needs my credit card, passport, and wallet too, because she kept all three, while tossing everything else out on the lawn. FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2014 17:24 - Germany - W?rzburg

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Today, I thought I felt a spider crawling by my eye. Having a huge fear of spiders, like an idiot, I lamped myself in square in the eye. I now have a partial black eye because of what turned out to be a feather. FML

By Moron with reflexes - 29/5/2019 06:03

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Today, I wrote a long, loving and emotional Christmas letter to my girlfriend, leaving it for her to read when she woke up. Halfway through the day, I received a text stating that she saw my "breakup letter" and threw out all my stuff. I can't even contact her now. FML

By ALetterADay - 24/12/2017 01:30

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Today, for the third time this month, my family ridiculed me for being picky for ordering a burger without lettuce. They know I'm allergic. FML

By Anonymous - 13/7/2019 14:30

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Today, a guy came into my gas station, showed me the gun on his hip, and asked me to kindly empty the register. My asshole boss claimed that because we live in an open carry state, and because the guy didn't point the gun at me, that there was no actual robbery and I just gave him free money. FML

By jobless - 13/9/2015 14:07 - United States

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Today, my cat had the bright idea of giving birth in the dryer, on top of all my new white towels. FML

By HannaMD - 26/1/2015 15:21 - Canada

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Today, I was at the gas station pumping gas when the lady in front of me had a little boy who asked if he could pump the gas. She said yes and then quickly answered her phone, as it was ringing. She wasn't watching him and he pulled out the pump to early, spraying gas all over me, including my face. FML

By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 04:34 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend admitted that he thinks I'm cheating on him, with my brother. FML

By dollfacee - 9/7/2015 16:51 - United States

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Today, my grandmother gave me a huge speech on being abstinent until marriage. Being the honest person that I am, I told her I wasn't a virgin anymore. Instead of being mad and telling me I was going to hell. She asked me what my favourite things to do sexually were. And told me hers in detail. FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 00:20 - United States

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Today, I drove to buy new sneakers to work out and lose weight. Coming out of the store, I saw someone had parked too close to me. I had to beg a stranger to back my car out for me, because no matter how I tried, I couldn't get into the driver's seat. FML

By Anonymous - 19/1/2011 06:27 - United States

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Today, a robin flew into my window and died. My mom, being a biology teacher, thought it would be a great experience for my brother and me to dissect it on the kitchen table. She threatened to ground us if we didn't do it. FML

By sciencesadness - 8/2/2014 23:24 - United States - Lynnwood

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Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of six years. She got mad at me, saying she is too young to get married and that I was trying to ruin her career. She is 32 and works part-time at a grocery store. FML

By got any coupons? - 23/12/2014 15:24 - United States

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Today, I received some new snow boots I had ordered online. When I opened the package there was only one boot in the box. FML

By dedeanne08 - 12/12/2016 01:18 - United States - Newark

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Today, my boyfriend of 2 years told me he had feelings for someone else. He also told me he wanted to continue dating me until things progressed further with the other woman. FML

By toughlove - 9/11/2009 01:27 - United States

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Today, I asked a girl I like to homecoming. I brought her to my house beforehand for dinner with my family. My brother asked her whether we were just friends or dating, she shouts "Just friends!" and then starts flirting with him with me in the room. FML

By Charon - 9/10/2009 22:11 - United States

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Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat, causing me to violently choke. My mom had to rush in and help me while I still had my pants around my ankles. FML

By omfgnooo - 9/9/2011 23:22 - United States

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Today, I woke my boyfriend up at 7 a.m. to have sex. I thought the sex was great, but later he kept complaining, "I can't believe you woke me up so early." FML

By Anonymous - 9/7/2019 20:00

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Today, some girl in the street mistook me for Richard Simmons. FML

By romancocks - 9/5/2014 20:31 - United States - Palatka

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Today, I was sitting at my favorite coffee shop, when a creepy 50-ish looking guy sat at my table. He asked if I'm into submissive guys, and if I wanted to dominate him. I'm a 17-year-old girl, and am now scared to ever go back there. FML

By Anonymous - 29/6/2013 17:18 - Czech Republic

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Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbor's attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML

By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 15:34 - United States - Lexington

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Today, I spent five minutes shaking a bowl of Jello because it looked cool. FML

By Ashley Youngman - 16/6/2019 20:04

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Today, I met my best friend's girlfriend for the first time. After a few hours of talking and eating, she followed me to the bathroom and said, dead serious, ''If you ever touch him or get too close to him, I will cut you''. I've known him for twelve years, they have been dating for a month. FML

By ohwell - 24/11/2014 13:44 - Sweden - Tullinge

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Today, my partner took a shower while in the middle of cooking something. My eyes are still burning from the smoke. FML

By Burny - 12/10/2017 16:00

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Today, I became that small percent of people who face three different kinds of complications after their wisdom teeth are removed. FML

By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 22:23 - United States

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Today, I found out my late grandfather left me a significant amount of money in his will. I thought it was weird because he always acted like he hated me. When I got the envelope, there was $500,000 inside, all in Monopoly money. FML

By Rachel - 20/7/2012 05:13 - United States

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Today, my boss told me that we are having a big meeting tomorrow, with lots of important people. Before leaving the room he added "Please, tomorrow, try to dress better." FML

By Nalya - 9/1/2009 03:38 - France

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