15 FMLs About Regular Vodka, Even Though It’s National Rhubarb Vodka Day
It’s the first Saturday in December and that means it’s National Rhubarb Vodka Day! If you already knew that, I think you may have a drinking problem. Celebrating rhubarb vodka day to justify your drinking habits is stooping pretty low, especially considering rhubarb vodka is neither the most popular nor the most common kind of flavored vodka.
Fun fact: Did you know that rhubarb, while technically a vegetable, is legally a fruit ever since a 1947 court case in New York that decided that since it was primarily used as a fruit, it should be classified as one too? Bet you didn't. Bet you didn't care much either.
In honor of this very specific holiday, we’re focusing on the main part of rhubarb vodka day: the vodka. Lifegiver of FMLs, go-to liquor for underaged drinkers, easy to flavor, and hard to sip. It’s a true classic. And it can truly wreak havoc on your life.
1. And then she eye rolled into infinity.
2. To numb the feeling of your sore muscles.
Today, I was running late for my morning gym class. I grabbed a near-empty drink bottle on my way out, intending to fill it up at the gym. Mid-workout, I reached for my bottle and took a big mouthful as I headed over to fill it up. To my great surprise, it was not water but straight vodka. FML
3. A practical joke that cost lives.
Today, I found out my friends replaced the water in my bottle with vodka when all my fish died. Any water I don't finish the night before, I pour into my tank the next morning. Thousands of dollars and years hard work, gone. FML
4. The vodka may have been 80 proof, but your plan was not fool-proof.
5. How big was the bottle?!
Today, my roommate made out with this guy I kind of had a thing for. It wasn't a big deal to sober me, but drunk me wasn't having it. I drank half a bottle of vodka, punched a hole in a wall, and cried while laying on the floor. FML
6. Steam drunk.
Today, I'm celebrating my birthday in Russia. While we were enjoying a sauna, one of the guests decided to add water in order to make steam. It wasn’t water, it was vodka. You can imagine the rest. FML
7. Always think twice before trusting drunk you.
Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML
8. A holiday tradition.
9. A shot for your sins.
10. Taste the rainbow.
Today, my friend showed me a video of me in a nightclub. I was holding two Skittles vodka shots and shouting, "Red and green, merry Kwanzaa!" The shots were yellow and purple. I can't remember that night at all. FML
11. At least you've got something to drown out the loss of your laptop with.
Today, I was driving to my new home with a lot of my belongings in the car. I could hear things shifting in the back. When I parked, I opened the door, ready to catch my vodka. I caught it- and watched my laptop slide out of the car, onto the concrete, and break into 3 pieces. FML
12. You're better off alone.
Today, I went with my girlfriend to her parents' house. They told me I smelled of cheap vodka. When I told them I worked in a bio lab and used ethanol a lot, they said I was too stupid to do anything like that. My girlfriend broke up with me because her parents think I'm a drunk. FML
13. Ah to be 15 and have a secret vodka stash again...
Today, I left the iron and ironing board in my room. While I was at school, my mom decided to do some ironing, and did it in my room for convenience. The iron needed water, so she took a water bottle from my dresser and poured it in. It was my secret vodka stash, and the iron caught on fire. FML
14. Woah buddy, no touching the employees.
Today, I was ringing an old man up in the local grocery store when I had realized all he was buying was 3 bottles of vodka and a box of condoms. While I was loading the bags into his cart he laid his hand on my shoulder and told me "I'd take you home with me but chances are I would be arrested". FML
15. A $20 life lesson.
Today, my friend and I wanted to get some alcohol (we're under 21). We went to a liquor store and asked a random guy to go in and buy us some vodka. After giving him $20, he said he had to go turn off his car, then he'd get us the drinks. He got in his car and drove off, with my $20. FML