10 Hilarious Tweets About Kylie Jenner Announcing The Birth Of Her Baby Girl And Stealing The Superbowl

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Today, I was babysitting my cousin when I realized my aunt didn't tell me where the diapers were. I searched the entire house, but I had no luck. Then my cousin ripped off the diaper she was wearing and peed on the kitchen floor. FML

By Monroe - United States

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Today, my dad texted me, saying "My dicks so hard 4 u". I'm desperately hoping he meant to send that to his girlfriend instead. FML

By Anonymous

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Today, I found out I have genital herpes. I'm a virgin. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

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Today, I hooked up with a guy I'm totally in love with. After finishing, he burst into tears about being in love with another girl. I had to comfort him. FML

By random - United Kingdom

Comforter

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Today, I realized how badly medical education has ruined me when I couldn't enjoy erotic literature because of one subtle anatomy mistake the author made. FML

By notagyno - Romania - Bucharest

Stickler for details

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Today, I informed my grandparents of my upcoming graduation from college. My grandma looked at me with tears in her eyes, and told me how proud she was that I was able to make it so far in spite of being autistic. I am not, nor have I ever been autistic. FML

By Acesup111 - United States

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Today, I realized how sad my life is when for my 18th birthday, I went to a strip club, by myself, in GTA V. FML

By BMTH2296 - United States

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Today, I found out the guy I've been seeing for 3 months lives at home with his parents. He's 30. They live in a '50+ only' housing complex and he sneaks in the side door. FML

By ilu.xo - Canada

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Today, I had one of my biggest dance shows ever. After months of practice I had finally gotten the lead position. When I entered the stage and raised my arms my straps fell down and I flashed an audience of 5000. FML

By Anonymous

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Today, I was cleaning out my room and picked up my bed and found a condom. I'm 15 and still a virgin. FML

By peridot1aa

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Today, I was told that my son has Twitter and Facebook accounts that he uses to try to bully people online, some of which are celebrities. He does it really badly, though. FML

By ShitStirringSon - United States - San Diego

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Today, I learned that removing your boyfriends boxers with your teeth is waaaay less sexy when you accidentally bite a chunk of his pubes and yank them out in the process. FML

By sexyfail - Australia

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Today, as I was rushing to get out for work, I opened my door just in time to witness a large snake slither into my home. I had no choice but to lock it inside and go to work. I've now spent several hours searching for it with my friends, and we can't find it. I'm scared to go to sleep. FML

By afraidtosleep - United States - Houston

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Today, I was walking along when I saw this girl kissing her boyfriend. I thought to myself "I wish I had a boyfriend like that". I'm a guy, and straight. At least I thought I was. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I learnt that nail polish remover is, in fact, VERY flammable. And I learnt it the hard way. FML

By adrenochrome - Lithuania

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Today, my wife thought it would be fun to bring in one of her girlfriends for a threesome. Because of the friend, I now know what my wife sounds like when she's having a REAL orgasm. Five years and two kids into our marriage. FML

By onehundredpercenteffed - United States

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Today, it's my twenty first birthday. My biggest birthday surprise was discovering that I'm alcohol intolerant, by vomiting my first beer all over my boyfriend's mother. FML

By Anna - United States

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Today, my doctor told me that I suffer from orgasm migraines. Basically, I get an intense migraine that lasts for hours after I have an orgasm. FML

By amanda - United States - Lafayette

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Today, I had an interview for my dream job. I spent all of last night preparing, researching the company, and making sure everything was perfect. My interview was for 8am. I woke up at 10:30 to an alarm that had not gone off. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Red Deer

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Today, I asked my boyfriend if I could call him "love muffin". He asked if he could call me "muffin top". FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, after my live-in boyfriend decided to take a few days away due to a fight, I found out he's been staying with and sleeping with my aunt. I just lost a relative and a man all in one shot. FML

By Anonymous

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Today, I was at a job conference. At lunch, I saw this stunning guy. At dessert time, I coughed so much that the piece of chocolate cake in my mouth went straight onto his glasses. I think it's too late to introduce myself now. FML

By damn... - United Kingdom

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Today, I took my girlfriend to a restaurant we both like. By the end of the date, we were fighting and she angrily broke up with me. To make things worse, I got food poisoning. She didn't. FML

By takeshi

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Today, I called security at my school because I left my mittens in a classroom and it was locked. When the security officer showed up, he asked if the mittens I was looking for were the ones on my hands. I even had to take one of them off to call them. FML

By swarm20 - United States - Mankato

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Today, during an early morning preflight check, I spotted liquid pooling under the aircraft. I rubbed my fingers in it and sniffed. Good news? No dangerous fuel or hydraulic fluid leak. Bad news? My copilot was too lazy to walk back to the hangar to take a leak. FML

By Flyboy - United States

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Today, I noticed a customer looking for expired products in hopes of receiving a coupon from my store. I told them to let me know if they found anything. They promptly began following me around, telling me how to do my job, only to later file a complaint saying that I was harassing them. FML

By itsdezzz - United States - Hatfield

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Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML

By panda

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Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

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Today, I let my son take my car out for a spin, since he just got his licence. He didn't make it out of our street before totaling it. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Langley

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Today, a dog attacked me. Its owner, instead of apologizing and helping me, said it was my own fault for making it think I was an attacker by running past them. We were on a jogging track. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - North Vancouver

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Today, I have been on the toilet all day due to chocolate laxatives from trick-or-treating. Today, it is my birthday. FML

By SonofMnemosyne - United States

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Today, my friend sent me a bumper sticker that said, "Do you know that gullible said slowly sounds like 'green bears'?" I spent quite a few minutes trying to get gullible to sound like green bears until I realized that it didn't. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I was at a party and I danced. Judging by people's stares, I should never ever attempt it again. FML

By Travolta

Dancing With The Stares

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Today, the amount of spiders in my house has gotten so bad that it's become routine to shake out any blankets or towels before using them. FML

By terrified - United States - Union Star

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Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she asked me, "Does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, "Does he beat you with it too if you've been naughty?" FML

By Girl123999 - United States

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Today, my sister went into a blind rage at me for "upstaging" her by announcing that I'm pregnant, two months after she did the same. My husband and I have been trying for two years. She's in high school and doesn't even know who the father is. FML

By bntje - Netherlands - Holten

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Today, I found out that the man I met online was a fake Facebook account, made by my daughter and her friends. FML

By cupcakemonsteryu - France

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Today, I decided to call my wife while she was having a private lunch with my parents. I began to tell her all the nasty things I was going to do to her in bed. Halfway through my fantasy, she giggled and told me that she was going to take me off speakerphone. FML

By SoggyPancakes - United States

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Today, my mother-in-law moved in because she has a hip problem. I don't know what's worse, her constant complaining and slob like tendencies, or the eight cats she brought along with her. FML

By David - United States - Seattle

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