10 Hilarious Tweets About Kylie Jenner Announcing The Birth Of Her Baby Girl And Stealing The Superbowl

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Today, I was trying to make a good impression with my fiancé's friends. After a few hours, I thought all was going well. As I walked to the washroom, I heard, "So what disability does she have? No one can be like that without something wrong in their brain." FML

By apparently_disabled - 17/4/2015 06:24 - Canada - Victoria

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Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started whining about how I keep using "big fancy college words" and making her feel bad. My sister is 27 and teaches elementary school. The word I used was "ludicrous." FML

By I weep for our future generation - 1/10/2017 04:30

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Today, my 7-year-old daughter came up to me in a noisy mall and said "boo-boo" pointing to her hand. Not paying enough attention, I kissed her hand to make her feel better. She grimaced and said "No dad, bird poo." FML

By Oily - 16/12/2011 09:08 - New Zealand

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Today, I went to get an HPV vaccine after being convinced to by my mom. I stayed in the waiting room afterwards, because the vaccine has the possible side-effect of causing fainting. I didn't faint; instead, I spent the next 15 minutes giggling uncontrollably like a psycho. FML

By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 18:41 - United States - Barrington

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Today, we went up for visitor's day for my son's Jewish summer camp. We don't keep kosher, but most of his fellow campers do. When we went around in the circle saying our favorite foods, he said, "my mom makes the best pork chops." We got dirty looks for the rest of the day. FML

By porkeater - 16/7/2009 15:02 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend told me he's been having doubts, but he still wants to stay with me. I asked him why he had been so nervous about us and he replied, "I don't know, just thinking about a future with you makes me feel nauseous". We've been together over 2 years now. FML

By MissNoFuture - 20/6/2011 07:13 - United States

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Today, trying to be cute, I told my soon-to-be husband he was the ying to my yang. He responded with "Baby, you're the Monica Lewinsky to my Bill Clinton." FML

By Anonymous - 8/11/2010 09:50 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend fell asleep while watching TV. I thought it would be cute to try to kiss him awake like they do in the movies. He farted. FML

By Wow - 11/4/2013 12:52 - United States

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Today, after nearly three years of no contact whatsoever, I received a Facebook notification from my father. Eager to see what he said, I pulled it up only to see a game request. He had run out of lives on Candy Crush. FML

By Candy_Crushed - 8/9/2017 22:30 - United States - Mims

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Today, I met my new neighbors when they backed into my parked car. FML

By Mayshod - 3/5/2011 12:04

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Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was "Can't, Platinum just came out." I didn't know what that meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I found out he's talking about a new Pokémon game. FML

By thisreallysucks2 - 23/3/2009 02:15 - United States

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Today, I was arguing with a friend over whether or not I'm fat. She kept telling me that I was. Angry, I sat down on the chair beside her. It broke. FML

By elvisfreak5446 - 10/8/2011 16:12 - United States

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Today, after recently moving to America as I've always dreamt of, I saw my first, majestic deer. My boyfriend slammed it with the rental car. FML

By AmericanDream - 1/12/2011 05:41 - United States

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Today, I woke up early and made my boyfriend french toast. When he woke up, he yelled at me because it was his dish day and I was creating more dishes for him to do. He made me do the dishes. FML

By AprilFlowers - 1/12/2009 17:15 - United States

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Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML

By jennabee97 - 8/11/2014 23:02 - Canada - Ottawa

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Today, I caught my dog “cleaning” the cat’s litter box. He won’t be giving me any kisses anytime soon. FML

By Anonymous - 19/7/2020 17:01

Nutritious

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Today, my bed fell through my floor. With me on it. FML

By wtf?? - 9/2/2015 13:26 - Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

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Today, whilst working my waitressing job, I had a patron lose his rag at me because there was too much "green stuff" in his salad. What did he expect? Chicken? FML

By Bearwaitressities - 15/2/2017 21:00 - South Africa - Durban

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Today, I met a girl at the bar. Things were going really well and we ended up going back to her place. Problem? Her husband who normally works the graveyard shift was home sick. FML

By Anonymous - 19/12/2009 05:13 - United States

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Today, my mom confessed that she has to make up compliments to give to prove me wrong when I said she can never say positive things about me. FML

By wow - 5/5/2011 06:13

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Today, my boss asked me to work over the entire weekend. That would be fine if I didn't already work a 60 hour week. He also said the extra hours on the weekend wouldn't be paid. FML

By girlfromnowhere - 23/2/2016 11:06 - United Arab Emirates

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Today, I finally got into a yoga class with the instructor I've been crushing on for 2 years. As he walked closer to greet me, I lifted my leg over my head into a full split, and queefed obnoxiously loud. He responded with his gag reflex. FML

By LondonKitsch - 26/6/2009 16:51 - United States

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Today, I begged my dad for money, for the first time ever, because even with two jobs I still can’t make rent. When asked why he sent way too little, he replied, "You always said you’d prefer to get love from me rather than money." FML

By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 23:04

Love don't pay the rent

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Today, I found out the guy I have been sleeping with didn't actually break up with his girlfriend. She just moved for a few weeks during quarantine. They are now living with each other, and I'm alone and confused. FML

By that'sokay - 12/5/2020 23:00

Deception

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Today, a homeless man bathed himself in the restroom at my coffee shop in West LA. He locked himself in there for a good twenty minutes. The lingering smell was so strong that my other coworker vomited. Thanks to what is apparently a relatively strong gag reflex, I got to clean up. FML

By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 08:36 - United States

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Today, at my wedding reception, my father began his speech with "Well, I never, ever thought that this day would come," at which point the entire room, including my new husband, broke into a round of enthusiastic applause. FML

By Anonymous - 8/8/2009 19:01 - United States

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Today, I went on a blind double date. My date was drunk before I got there. He kept getting my name wrong, and ended up spilling a glass of red wine down the front of my dress. FML

By Chaznuts - 8/9/2009 06:22 - Australia

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Today, an old man looked me dead in the eyes as he reached into my tip jar, grabbed the money, and then walked out of the store as if nothing ever happened. I was so shocked that I couldn't do anything to stop him. FML

By brokeasajoke - 1/11/2013 12:58 - United States - El Reno

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Today, it was my birthday and I have no children. My father bluntly says, "Well, I guess if I get any grand-babies out of you now, they will have Down's Syndrome." I just turned 30. FML

By AM - 31/8/2015 21:46

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Today, I found a "white power" bumper sticker on the back of my car. I don't know what idiot thought it'd be funny to put it there, but now my neighbors think I'm a proud racist. FML

By Anonymous - 16/7/2016 12:31

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Today, my 8-year-old son decided to make some rice for lunch. When we had it, I noticed a horrid gritty taste. It turns out, he puts dirt in the rice to make "Dirty Rice". FML

By Dirtyrice - 24/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Albuquerque

Dirty rice

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Today, I invited my long-lost best friend over, because I haven't seen her much since she got a new boyfriend. 20 minutes into hanging out, he showed up at my door. He still hasn't left, and they're having sex on my couch right now. FML

By kenleybunch - 12/3/2013 13:22 - United States - Greenville

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Today, my paranoia got so bad that I had to physically restrain myself from aggressively confronting the kid walking behind me on the sidewalk. FML

By Angrily Paranoid - 6/10/2013 05:29 - United States - Seattle

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Today, my friend and I were bouncing around on a trampoline. We brought my dog up to bounce him around. We found it hilarious. He didn't. He attacked us. FML

By sore - 19/4/2011 10:03 - Ireland

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Today, I got rear-ended on my way home from the pet store, causing my pet food to open up and go flying all over the floor of my car. My pet is a snake, and his food is live mice. FML

By Anonymous - 29/5/2018 02:33

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Today, my friend had a Coke can on his desk in class. It was empty but I was thirsty so I picked it up thinking I could try to get that little bit of Coke always left at the bottom. When I took a sip I found out he had been picking his fingernails and putting them in the can. FML

By Thatkid - 18/2/2009 14:29 - Singapore

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Today, I sent my sister a text about how fat I was becoming and looking as disgusting as my ex husband. When I checked to see if she had received it I saw that I had accidentally sent it to my ex father in law. FML

By abbacjt - 16/1/2009 17:51 - United States

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Today, I was playing my guitar outside my apartment building, and some people had put some money in my guitar case. One guy threw in what I thought was a crumpled piece of paper or something. It was actually a used condom. It leaked all over the money and my case. FML

By gross - 15/7/2011 01:09 - Canada

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Today, I was having a driving lesson. I ended up driving so badly that my instructor asked me to stop the car. Not so he could explain my mistakes to me, but so he could get out and vomit. FML

By Anonymous - 2/7/2011 21:28 - United States

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