10 FMLs About Mall Santas That Will Make You Even More Distressed at The Thought of Mall Santas than You Already Are
Being a mall Santa is no easy gig. Santas train for years to be the best Kris Kringle possible, perfecting their Christmas dialogue,interacting with kids, growing their facial hair...it’s a serious job!
But a good Snata is hard to find. They book their schedules months in advance, and since mall Santas unlike Santa Santa can only be in one place at a time, many malls are left without quality Clauses. Instead they end up with bottom of the barrel fellas who don’t know how to keep their cool in difficult situations, or even worse - a Santa that’s on the naughty list.
Don’t know what I mean? See for yourself!
1. Getting a little too cozy there, big guy!
Today, I took my younger sister to see Santa for a photo. Santa insisted that I was in the photo too. I wasn't sure why he made such a big deal about it until he groped me while the photo was being taken. FML
2. 'Tis the truth, though.
Today, I was in the mall for the second day in a row with my 7-year-old brother. As we walked past Santa he asked me, "Why does Santa look different today"? Not thinking, I said, "Because each mall has a different Santa." FML
3. His little round belly must have been shaking like a bowl full of jelly.
Today, I brought my 6-year-old to the mall to sit on Santa's lap. She told him what she wanted and smiled for the picture. When the lady told her that her turn was over, she began throwing a fit, pulling off Santa's beard in the process. This caused all the kids in line to begin sobbing. FML
5. That's how excited she was to see you.
6. Welcome to Santa's chocolate factory.
7. Between reindeer and Priuses, at least he doesn't pollute.
8. What a little Grinch.
Today, I took my kids to the mall to see Santa. While waiting in line, my eldest got bored and loudly complained, "I don't know why we're here. Santa's not even real." I don't think any of the kids within a hundred feet took the news very well. FML
9. Keep it to yourself, Santa.
Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML
10. You, sir, are a monster.
Today, I took my daughter to see Santa at the mall. When I went to pick her up from Santa's lap, my watch snagged on his beard, pulling it off in front of my daughter and about twenty kids in line. My daughter still isn't speaking to me. FML