Today, my best friend got jealous that his dog likes me more. He told me I have to spank it whenever it cuddles with me so it will love him more. FML

by Dirtbikesnowboard / 11/09/2016 at 2:00pm / United States (Utah) / Animals

Today, my dog ate my underwear. This is the twenty-seventh pair that he has eaten. FML

by CanadianEH / 11/08/2016 at 6:39pm / Animals

Today, I spent an hour pulling poop-covered prickles out of my husky's butt. A duck had startled him while he was doing his business and his first thought was to run, mid-poop, into a prickle bush. FML

by Alittlebitiffy / 11/07/2016 at 8:51am / Australia (Western Australia) / Animals

Today, the smoke detector in my bedroom malfunctioned and started going off while my cat was asleep on my shoulder. He panicked and deeply lacerated my nose with his claw as he ran off. Blood got everywhere, and to add insult to injury the unit has no removable battery and wouldn't turn off. FML

by WhoNose / 11/06/2016 at 6:52pm / Animals

Today, my cat used his expensive new bed for the first time since he got it last month. He used it as a litter box. FML

by All The Best People Are Crazy~ / 11/03/2016 at 11:49pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, I got a cat so I'd have some company, since my roommate is always with her boyfriend. Too bad the cat likes her more. So now I get to sit and listen to her talk to her boyfriend to get to cuddle with my kitty. FML

by crazy cat lady / 11/03/2016 at 3:31pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Animals

Today, I kept my cats indoors to be safe on Halloween, making sure to keep the food full and litter boxes clean. After dinner, I got dressed up and spent two hours at a party. When I got home, there was a large, rancid butt-loaf waiting on my bed. Unappreciative little fuckers. FML

by kookoocatlady / 11/01/2016 at 12:31am / Animals

Today, I adopted my second dog. When I called to tell my mom about it, she sternly told me that I was not allowed to get any more dogs. I'm 28 and own my own house. FML

by nomorepups / 10/31/2016 at 10:54am / Animals

Today, I finally realized why my 9-week-old puppy was going to the bathroom so much. I went to pick up the food bag and realized she had chewed a hole in the bottom, and eaten half of the bag in the last 4 days. Goodbye 30 pounds of dog food, and 100$ for a vet visit. FML

by Pups4Cups / 10/26/2016 at 8:43am / Animals

Today, like most days, my cat tried to wake me up with a gentle, fluffy paw pat on my nose. This morning, however, he managed to get his claw caught inside my nostril. FML

by JackNicholsonInChinatown / 10/24/2016 at 10:58pm / Animals

Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML

by upset / 10/24/2016 at 8:08pm / Animals

Today, I had to prepare for my big meeting tomorrow morning. Before going to bed, I washed my face. Unfortunately, the towel I wiped myself with turned out to house our red ant infestation. My face looks like a ripe tomato. FML

by Zooep / 10/24/2016 at 9:54am / Animals

Today, I accidentally stepped on a dead bee. The stinger was still intact. How do I know? It stung my foot. I'm allergic to bees. FML

by where's the epipen / 10/23/2016 at 2:41am / United States (Florida) / Animals