Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt deep breathing on my neck. I screamed, fell off the bed and busted my nose. It was just my cat. FML

by zAstonish / 09/25/2015 at 11:03am / Singapore / Animals

Today, my cat still loves me too much. He schedules his dumps for when I'm doing my makeup in the bathroom so he can stay with me. I either have to suffer the noxious odor or be late for work. This is a daily thing. FML

by oh_lordy_me / 09/24/2015 at 1:53pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was taking a bath after a long day at work. I closed my eyes and listened to music. My cat thought this was the perfect time to come out of his hiding spot and jump in the bath. Once he realized it was filled with water, he freaked out and dug his claws into my face. FML

by lyssthemiss / 09/22/2015 at 6:51am / United States (Illinois) / Animals

Today, I passed out in my kitchen and was woken up by my dog. Not because she was worried about me, but because my body was blocking her food dish. FML

by mayhemily / 09/21/2015 at 12:22pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, I walked face first into a near-invisible spiderweb. There's nothing worse than the feeling of a spider web wrapped around your face. Except maybe the feeling of the spider that saw my screaming mouth as a good hiding spot. FML

by spiderlady / 09/20/2015 at 11:00pm / United States / Animals

Today, I found my diamond earring, which had gone missing. The vet had to surgically remove it from my dog. Despite having made the voyage through the dog's digestive tract, the earring is more expensive than ever. FML

by IamHM / 09/19/2015 at 6:43pm / United States (New Mexico) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I woke up to a cat licking my face. I don't have a cat. I quickly put the cat out the front door and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I remembered that I had agreed to take care of my sister's cat for a week. I looked out the door, but the cat is nowhere to be found. FML

by introublenow / 09/18/2015 at 8:22am / United States (Florida) / Animals

Today, my dog vomited a writhing mass of maggots. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever smelled, and I was baffled as to where she found a maggot infested dead thing to eat. Baffled, until my mom reminded me that my cat has been missing, presumed dead, for over a week. FML

by wormsmeat / 09/17/2015 at 5:08pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, I invited a girl back to my house and she seemed cool. I then left to go to the toilet. When I came back, there was a giant wet patch on the rug. The girl then blamed it on my dog, whose picture is on the wall. My dog died last week. FML

by Urinator / 09/16/2015 at 2:26pm / United Kingdom (Perth and Kinross) / Animals

Today, I was walking down a path in the woods behind my house when I saw a squirrel. It ran away, but little did I know it wasn't running from me, it was running from the dog that had forced Animal Control to sweep the area. I ended up with stitches in my leg. FML

by RENThead / 09/13/2015 at 3:02pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man. I gave him my sandwich, since he needed it more than me. Seconds later, he was attacked by a flock of birds. FML

by NightHawk4926 / 09/09/2015 at 6:15pm / United States (Nevada) / Animals

Today, I started my period. Every time I try to open a tampon, my dog goes crazy thinking it's one of his treats. Now I have to open them with my hair dryer on. FML

by nah / 09/09/2015 at 3:55pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I went to reach for a long piece of lint next to my dryer. It was a snake. FML

by StillLoveMyDogs / 09/09/2015 at 3:34am / United States (California) / Animals