Today, my father was pruning the tree in our front yard. I was helping him collect the falling branches. At one point, a branch fell and I was under it. My father jumped to push me out of the way. Instead he pushed the branch into my face. FML

by patrickRafael / 12/29/2009 at 9:21am / Singapore / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my reward for topping three of the four employee performance charts was a paycut. FML

by Stumanji / 12/29/2009 at 6:42am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, was very chilly. My little sister felt sorry for my two goldfish swimming in the cold water. She decided to put them in hot water. They died. FML

by PoachedFish / 12/29/2009 at 5:57am / Lebanon (Beyrouth) / Animals

Today, I found out that my booty call only likes to have sex with me so afterwards he can watch ESPN on my plasma screen TV, because he has neither. FML

by pieceofcake163 / 12/29/2009 at 3:59am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I got a phone call from my cheating ex asking if I would go out with him that night. After 3 years of no contact, I decided to give him another chance and gave him my address for his GPS. I was then told that I lived too far and he didn't want to drive. He cancelled. I live 15 minutes away. FML

by SherryBaby / 12/29/2009 at 2:41am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my first day-off for the holidays. Today is also the day they decided to start building a house next to mine. I can't sleep beyond 7 am. FML

by dentinpalevo / 12/29/2009 at 2:29am / Cyprus (Limassol) / Miscellaneous

Today, marks the second week straight without sex. Being a newlywed isn't as great as I thought. FML

by marriagesux / 12/29/2009 at 2:12am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I woke up from an amazing dream. I dreamt that I got a promotion at work and doubled my income, the dream was so great that I tried so hard not to wake up. When I did wake up it was 10 o'clock, two hours late for work I noticed I had a voicemail from my boss. I was fired for being late. FML

by mylifesucks22 / 12/29/2009 at 1:01am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I woke up from a nap and thought I felt somebody's arm in my bed. I frantically start hitting it and start screaming. I soon realized it was my own arm. I had fallen asleep on it, and it was completely numb, I couldn't feel a thing. FML

by Anonymous / 12/29/2009 at 12:11am / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I was making out with this guy I had been seeing, and things start to get pretty steamy. As he paused for a second, I thought he was going to get up and find a condom, but instead he turns to me and says, "I think I'm going to go to the library." I wasn't invited. FML

by Anonymous / 12/29/2009 at 12:02am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up to my whole room ruined, it was a mess and everything was torn and chewed up. I suddenly see a dog walk across the hall. I don't have a dog. FML

by DOGSNACHER / 12/28/2009 at 10:43pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend called me 80 times in 5 minutes. I had previously told him I was with my friends. He left me a voicemail proposing saying he loved me to death and he was crying. We've been dating for a week. FML

by anonymous / 12/28/2009 at 8:21pm / United States (Indiana) / Love

anonacs's comment : Get out now.

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Today, I was talking to the guy that has been in love with me for two years. He said "There is a shortage of perfect breasts in the world. It would be a shame to lose yours." He then creepily looked at me and said "It's true." Thanks, Princess Bride, for supplying creepers with material. FML

by creeped / 12/28/2009 at 7:50pm / United States (Ohio) / Love