Today, I got a phone call from my cheating ex asking if I would go out with him that night. After 3 years of no contact, I decided to give him another chance and gave him my address for his GPS. I was then told that I lived too far and he didn't want to drive. He cancelled. I live 15 minutes away. FML

by SherryBaby / 12/29/2009 at 2:41am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my first day-off for the holidays. Today is also the day they decided to start building a house next to mine. I can't sleep beyond 7 am. FML

by dentinpalevo / 12/29/2009 at 2:29am / Cyprus (Limassol) / Miscellaneous

Today, marks the second week straight without sex. Being a newlywed isn't as great as I thought. FML

by marriagesux / 12/29/2009 at 2:12am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I woke up from an amazing dream. I dreamt that I got a promotion at work and doubled my income, the dream was so great that I tried so hard not to wake up. When I did wake up it was 10 o'clock, two hours late for work I noticed I had a voicemail from my boss. I was fired for being late. FML

by mylifesucks22 / 12/29/2009 at 1:01am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I woke up from a nap and thought I felt somebody's arm in my bed. I frantically start hitting it and start screaming. I soon realized it was my own arm. I had fallen asleep on it, and it was completely numb, I couldn't feel a thing. FML

by Anonymous / 12/29/2009 at 12:11am / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I was making out with this guy I had been seeing, and things start to get pretty steamy. As he paused for a second, I thought he was going to get up and find a condom, but instead he turns to me and says, "I think I'm going to go to the library." I wasn't invited. FML

by Anonymous / 12/29/2009 at 12:02am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up to my whole room ruined, it was a mess and everything was torn and chewed up. I suddenly see a dog walk across the hall. I don't have a dog. FML

by DOGSNACHER / 12/28/2009 at 10:43pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend called me 80 times in 5 minutes. I had previously told him I was with my friends. He left me a voicemail proposing saying he loved me to death and he was crying. We've been dating for a week. FML

by anonymous / 12/28/2009 at 8:21pm / United States (Indiana) / Love

anonacs's comment : Get out now.

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Today, I was talking to the guy that has been in love with me for two years. He said "There is a shortage of perfect breasts in the world. It would be a shame to lose yours." He then creepily looked at me and said "It's true." Thanks, Princess Bride, for supplying creepers with material. FML

by creeped / 12/28/2009 at 7:50pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, the guy I like called me, and my mom picked up. Just as it happened I slipped and fell in the shower and was sitting there moaning. The guy asked if he could speak to me, but my mom heard me and answered "Well, she is masturbating right now, but I'll tell her to call you later!". FML

by notexactly / 12/28/2009 at 7:48pm / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Intimacy

Today, I gave my 7 year old a snowglobe. I had spent the last week deconstructing it, putting an action figure of his favorite cartoon character inside, and then putting it back together. Later, I find it smashed into pieces because he wanted to "play with the toy it came with." FML

by Anonymous / 12/28/2009 at 7:22pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Kids

Today, I decided to take a nap while listening to my iPod, on the lowest volume possible. My girlfriend woke me up by turning the volume all the way up. I still can't hear out of both ears. FML

by SpaceAstronaut / 12/28/2009 at 4:42pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom sold the car I've been working on for the last few years for 100 dollars. To buy gas for her car. FML

by Butter_Cup / 12/28/2009 at 4:39pm / United States (California) / Money