Today, I was at a zoo with some friends in Germany. People were talking to this bird and it responded in complete, grammatically correct German sentences. One of my friends said 'Wow, that bird has better grammar than the exchange student!' A bird speaks better German than me. FML

by bird-brain / 11/21/2009 at 7:19am / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Animals

Today, as I put on my pajamas, a large spider ran down my leg. After freaking out, killing it, and recomposing myself, I went to the bathroom. As I sat down to go to the toilet, I looked up to see hundreds of baby spiders hanging over my head. FML

by AussieGirl / 11/21/2009 at 6:40am / Australia (New South Wales) / Animals

Today, I went to a rock concert and met this amazing girl. We started talking and then swapped cell numbers. Five minutes later, she asks to see my cellphone, so I gave it to her. Once I got home I went to text her and saw that she deleted her number. FML

by SeeBrendenBurn / 11/21/2009 at 3:28am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was sitting with a friend who moved back into town, and he told me about how he hooked up with a girl at a bar last night. I asked him if she was hot, he responded "Yeah, I have a picture of her on my phone." It was a picture of my girlfriend. FML

by anonymous / 11/21/2009 at 3:00am / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

g3rusz's comment : Take a picture of your friend, show it to your (soon-to-be-ex-)GF and tell her: "Hon, this is a guy I used to know. He has herpes, so warn your friends not to fuck him!" and watch her face. Then dump her, of course!

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Today, I thought I'd surprise my girlfriend with a bear hug. I found her in the hall with her back to me talking to friends. As I walked up behind her and was about to wrap my arms around her, she said, "so does anyone have any ideas about how I should break it off with my boyfriend?" FML

by Fail / 11/21/2009 at 12:59am / United States (Oregon) / Love

Today, at work at a grocery store an old couple came through my checkout lane. As I was putting their bagged groceries in the cart, the old man started feeling me up. FML

by beckbm23 / 11/21/2009 at 12:03am / United States (Wisconsin) / Work

Today, it was supposed to be payday. Instead, it was the day I found out that, for two weeks, I have been volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, and am not actually employed by a construction company. FML

by Masonlee89 / 11/20/2009 at 10:59pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, my jeep wouldn't start so I opened the hood. I slammed my fingers in my jeep's hood. It latched shut. My hood release was inside the cab, and the jeep was in neutral and on an incline. It started to roll... with a ditch about 5 yards away. I had to skin my own fingers to get them out. FML

by FoundMyLighter / 11/20/2009 at 8:28pm / United States (Alaska) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that you should always make sure the car is in 'park' before you get it on wildly in it. FML

by Ellen / 11/20/2009 at 7:56pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I woke up to find my house TP'd. I also noticed our entire house was devoid of toilet paper. Someone had broken in just to steal our toilet paper and TP our own house with it. FML

by WhyTheEff / 11/20/2009 at 6:50pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was enjoying the benefits of marriage with my new husband. We were changing positions when my joints started crackling and popping like my mother's did when I was a kid. My husband stopped, concerned about my possible pain... I'm 20 years old and pop like an arthritic 50 year old. FML

by Anonymous / 11/20/2009 at 4:27pm / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, since we hadn't been romantic for a long time, I shaved, took a bath, cut my hair and snuggled up to my husband in bed. He got up, went to the computer, masturbated to porn, came back to bed and asked me what was for breakfast. FML

by Inkabadger / 11/20/2009 at 1:41pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I was eating at KFC when my roommate unexpectedly showed up. He asked me who I was there with, and I told him I was on a sexy date with his mom. Just then a woman 5 feet away turned around and gave me a disgusted look. Guess whose mom was in town visiting for the weekend? FML

by pchis4ever / 11/20/2009 at 1:30pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous