Today, my girlfriend's parents wanted to cook dinner for me. After a whole day of cooking up a storm, her parents cooked an elaborate meal of roast lamb, pork chops and grilled chicken. Rejecting a meal is like spitting in ones face in Chinese culture. I'm vegetarian. FML

by NickC / 11/28/2009 at 7:40pm / Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to make up a story about my "friends" at school so my mom doesn't keep telling I'm a loser. FML

by Anonymous / 11/28/2009 at 7:32pm / United States (West Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I felt fairly depressed about being single for the holidays during work. This cute girl came to my register asking about our sales ad. After telling her we had no copies, she asked for my number. I shouted: "Finally, someone wants to go out with me." She wanted the store's number to call. FML

by Anonymous / 11/28/2009 at 5:23pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I am lying next to my new husband. We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon and planned on spending the entire time in bed together. We succeeded in that goal, with both of us unable to leave each other's side for entire week. Sex? No. Food poisoning? Yes. FML

by IndieRox / 11/28/2009 at 5:03pm / United States (California) / Holidays

Today, I hit a parked car. It happened to be my driving instructor's car. While he was instructing me, sitting in the passenger seat. I don't think I'll pass. FML

by badDriver / 11/28/2009 at 4:37pm / United States (Oregon) / Transportation

Today, I realized that I'm a sleepwalker and for the past week, that dream where I was giving my roommate a blowjob was real. He just pretended it never happened. FML

by chacha / 11/28/2009 at 1:11pm / United States / Intimacy

facefirst's comment : That blows.

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Today, I was at lunch with my mom and we were talking about how to tell my brother that Santa Clause isn't real. After we finished our conversation, I heard someone crying. Little did I know, two little kids and their parents were sitting in the booth behind me. FML

by TooTallNiCo / 11/28/2009 at 12:36pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML

by IB6UB9 / 11/28/2009 at 12:32pm / United States / Love

Today, I realized that I am dating a 25 year old man-child. He turns 13 whenever he sees my boobs, complete with big eyes and saying "honk honk" whenever he touches them. FML

by moon_paw / 11/28/2009 at 11:17am / United States (South Carolina) / Love

Today, I woke up feeling awesome. I turned to face the sunrise in the window, and as I stretched and let out a big yawn. Only for my boyfriend to say "Baby, turn back over. Your breath smells like turds." FML

by lol smiley face / 11/28/2009 at 10:57am / United States / Love

Today, I woke up and took my mom to work. It wasn't until after I got home, logged on Facebook and looked at the upcoming birthdays to see that it was her birthday today. No wonder she was silent the entire car ride and slammed the door on the way out. FML

by MegGRRRz / 11/28/2009 at 10:33am / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to look at my positive ebay feedback to feel loved. FML

by Anon. / 11/28/2009 at 7:22am / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Love

Today, after burning all my past-papers, books and notes in celebration of finishing maths forever, I found out I have to re-take my maths exam to get the minimum grade for college. FML

by NickC / 11/28/2009 at 5:16am / Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur) / Miscellaneous