Today, my father decided to tell me in detail when and how he lost his virginity. He even told me what position it was and who this girl was. I will never look at him in the same way again. He also made his hands "have sex". FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2010 at 7:57pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house and her dad saw us. She decided that she didn't feel like riding along when it was time for her dad to drive me home and went to bed. I, on the other hand, got to have a 15 minute conversation about the merits of "physical boundaries." FML

by Bali_Boil / 01/15/2010 at 7:44pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I ordered a Diet Coke with my meal from a fast food restaurant. Turns out, they didn't give me diet. My blood sugar spiked and I was sick for hours later. I'm a diabetic. FML

by Hungryman / 01/15/2010 at 4:30pm / France / Miscellaneous

Today, I was with my friends at Burger King. While we were eating, I placed my cellphone on the tray, not realising that I'd left it there until after I emptied my tray into the bin. When I got it out of the trash, it was covered in soggy, sticky garbage. FML

by stephiexbabexx / 01/15/2010 at 4:27pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to an amusement park with my family. A couple of cute girls started talking to me, telling me how much they liked my dreads. Seeing this, my mother stepped up next to me, patted me on the shoulder, and said, "This here is my little baby, treat him nicely!" Thanks, Mom. FML

by Dreadge / 01/15/2010 at 2:37pm / Israel (Hefa) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was teaching a class and my student pointed out that I used the wrong "your" while writing on the board. FML

by englishfail / 01/15/2010 at 12:39pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I was on a conference call while in the bathroom with all the important people in my district. I thought my phone was on mute, so I took the opportunity to flush the toilet. Turns out, that my phone wasn't on mute, and everyone heard it. I'm the only one who was on the conference call outside of work. FML

by Sonic / 01/15/2010 at 11:50am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I found out that my anxiety disorder has escalated to where I now scratch and pick at my face while asleep. Now I get to sleep with oven mitts taped to my hands. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2010 at 7:53am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my boyfriends' mother has invented a new kind of cake and named it after me: not because it's delicious, but because of the amount of fat in it. FML

by Jumja / 01/15/2010 at 6:37am / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Love

Today, I was dumped at the surprise party I threw for my boyfriend. FML

by TanjinaRubbaiyat / 01/15/2010 at 3:49am / Bangladesh (Dhaka) / Love

Today, I came home from a long day at work to find a path of rose pedals from the front door. Gasping with surprise, I followed it past the living room... past the bedroom... into the kitchen, where there was a note that said "Friends coming over tonight, we need food, love you!" FML

by Romantic / 01/15/2010 at 3:33am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I found some pictures of the boy I have a crush on online. Not only is he a crossdresser, but he's also a better looking woman than I am. FML

by Rin / 01/15/2010 at 3:02am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I received a phone call from my son's school. Apparently, for the past week he has been telling everyone "mummy works as a drug dealer." I'm a pharmacist. FML