Today, I found out my little sister was a stripper. At the same time, she found out that when I said I was having a "quiet birthday with some friends," what I really meant was "hiring a stripper to jump out of a cake." FML

by Jon / 01/18/2010 at 3:26pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

redshortsx's comment : oh wow your sister was the stripper at your birthday. that's fucking gross

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Today, I bought a fake "wedding ring" at Target to play a prank on my parents. They kicked me out, saying my "fiancé" can take care of me now. There is no fiancé, and I just lost my job. FML

by Crissylove10 / 01/18/2010 at 3:12pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, my mom asked me to clean beneath my brother's bed for money. I found a rotten apple, a picture of my best friend, and a dead bird. I got $10. FML

by Brotherssuckkk / 01/18/2010 at 3:04pm / Kids

Today, I saw Avatar in iMax 3D. Towards the end of the movie I jump, yelled, and spilled my drink all over the people in front of me because I thought a burning piece of ash landed on my leg. FML

by burnedboy / 01/18/2010 at 2:39pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to find my freshly dry-cleaned $200 suit not on my bed. Instead I found my drunk ex-girlfriend. Not only did she break into my house, she decided that she wanted to sleep in my bed and threw my suit into the trash. I have a job interview today and the garbage men already came. FML

by Sam / 01/18/2010 at 12:05pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a letter in the mail, my mother has applied for a reduction in her child support payments for my brother and I. She's paid $10 child support in 16 years. FML

by bluewatersify / 01/18/2010 at 9:23am / Australia (Australian Capital Territory) / Money

Today, I received a message from front desk that my concerned father is trying to contact me. I call only to hear that my parents were freaking out that I wasn't answering my phone. They saw me 9 hours ago. They were going to call the police. I'm in college and also don't live with them anymore. FML

by over_protected / 01/18/2010 at 7:28am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my estranged, alcoholic father decided to tell me I have a sister. After 30 mins of him describing how beautiful she is and how much we look alike and how she has lived one town away from me her entire life, I was excited to the point of tears. Too bad she died a year ago. Thanks dad. FML

by Mills / 01/18/2010 at 6:49am / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was vacuuming our house because I wanted to help my parents. I wore a headset while listening to REALLY loud music. The vacuuming job took me two hours and when I took of my headset I noticed that I hadn't started the vacuum cleaner. FML

by Adrian16 / 01/18/2010 at 6:01am / Norway (Vestfold) / Miscellaneous

Today, my rabbit died. He died a painful death from ingesting too much carpet. I now have no rabbit and a patchy carpet. FML

by Radioo / 01/18/2010 at 4:00am / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss just looked at me and said, "No. You can't quit." FML

by toolegittoquit / 01/18/2010 at 3:28am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I received a letter saying that I was accepted into university and that I qualified for a number of scholarships. Too bad an equivalent sum of money will be spent fixing the car I hit, after spinning out on ice, whilst driving home from said university. FML

by trooper93 / 01/18/2010 at 1:36am / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, I was helping my friend put up a wooden fence at his new house. I was holding the sections of fence up while he nailed them in with an air powered nail gun. The gun malfunctioned and fired twice putting the second nail through my hand and into the wood. We had to pry the nail out. FML

by Nissan_David / 01/18/2010 at 1:09am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous