Today, I awoke at 5am to the smell of smoke and the sound of sirens. It seems the whole Santa Monica Fire Department had made it outside our apartment complex. We had to wake up every single person on our floor. What for? An old lady burned a muffin. FML

by Muffinhater / 12/23/2009 at 10:21pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to wrap presents for a cat. FML

by Anonymous / 12/23/2009 at 9:12pm / United States (North Carolina) / Animals

Today, after having an amazing intimate encounter with my boyfriend of 2 years, I put on an old pair of boxers I still have from when I was heavier. He thinks I am cheating on him and doesn't believe I used to be fat. Now he won't talk to me. FML

by everybodysfool / 12/23/2009 at 8:02pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I found out my college friends are going to attack me after Christmas and attempt to tickle me to death. All because they know that I hate to be tickled. They are also going to make a Facebook group dedicated to the matter so people can join in if they wish. FML

by rie / 12/23/2009 at 7:29pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was telling my entire cocktail party about the time I accidentally flashed my volleyball team at a pool party. While trying to demonstrate how it happened, I accidentally pulled my dress down and flashed everyone again. FML

by Anonymous / 12/23/2009 at 3:48pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a local take-away and ordered a pizza. I watched the worker get my pizza out the oven, then wipe the pizza cutter on the trash bin to get rid of the last pizza's toppings, and then cut my pizza. FML

by extraflavour / 12/23/2009 at 3:24pm / United Kingdom (York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in the bus on my way home. I was reading a book, and drops of something were getting all over it. It was the man sitting next to me who was asleep and drooling. FML

by fml_forever32 / 12/23/2009 at 1:56pm / United States (Florida) / Transportation

Today, at work, I brewed myself a fresh cup of coffee. I set the hot coffee onto my desk. My phone rang so I answered my coffee, spilling it all over my face and body. FML

by chris / 12/23/2009 at 1:42pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I found out where my $300 worth of American Eagle and Hollister clothes had disappeared to. My 16 year old sister shredded them with scissors, took pictures of it for her Myspace and said that I deserved it for being a "conformist." All her "internet friends" said it was awesome. FML

by meep / 12/23/2009 at 11:05am / United States (New Hampshire) / Kids

fml_no_fyl's comment : Wearing those clothes is fine. Still going on myspace however is NOT.

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Today, I got my report card from school. I pulled my grade up in Algebra from a D to an A. My parents told me that they never expected me to accomplish this, and good job but they've already enrolled me in boarding school. So much for all that extra credit and staying late after school to study. FML

by bee / 12/23/2009 at 10:39am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, after spending the past 4 days asking both my husband and my father-in-law to salt our sidewalk, I slipped on the ice. I hit my head on our concrete stairs. While holding ice on my head, my father-in-law pats my head and says "I'll go get some salt." FML

by SnowyConcussion / 12/23/2009 at 9:30am / United States (Maryland) / Health

PaperShreds's comment : Salt it yourself. Would that be so difficult?

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Today, I drove the six hours to LA to attend my Uncle's birthday party. When I tried to get off at the exit, it took me two hours just to get onto the street where the club was. By the time I showed up, the party was already over, so I ended up going to a Denny's. I drove eight hours for a Denny's. FML

by BeautifulDisastre / 12/23/2009 at 5:24am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, the elderly couple next door asked me to cut down a tree in their yard. It turns out they told me to cut down the wrong tree, and I cut down the tree they got married under. They now hate me and tell me they plan to sue me for damage to property. FML

by jordigs / 12/23/2009 at 3:46am / United States (Wisconsin) / Work