Today, I found my underwear in my brother's pillow as well as my vibrator and Victoria's Secret magazines. FML

by VCR / 12/20/2009 at 2:13am / United States (California) / Intimacy

lolwhat's comment : ...WAIT WAIT WAIT HOLD UP why the fuck were you in his pillow?!

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Today, I was at work at Hollywood Video. A guy came in and left without renting anything. Minutes later, I find human feces between the "Kids" and "Comedy" aisles. FML

by Van / 12/20/2009 at 1:32am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I ran into some friends from high school who had just gotten back from college. We were talking about what happened during our sophomore year. When it was my turn to tell them what I had been doing, all I could say was "Well, I started wearing V-Neck t-shirts and they're pretty comfortable." FML

by StayedHome89 / 12/20/2009 at 1:25am / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to take a taxi to work, because I was pressed for time, and didn't have a ride there. When I got to work, I paid the cab driver, and realized I had spent more money on the cab than I was going to make at work. FML

by Fml37 / 12/20/2009 at 12:13am / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation

Today, I was on a first date with this girl I've been talking to. I met her and she came with me so I could park my car in the student lot. On the way back, I saw a beat up car with its window duct taped up and exclaimed "Haha! Look at that piece of junk." It was her car. FML

by Anonymous / 12/20/2009 at 12:04am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at a bar and met this great guy. He was going outside for a smoke and I wanted to go too. Since I don't smoke, I decided to borrow one of my friends cigarettes as an excuse to go outside with him. As I was lighting the cigarette, he pointed out that I was lighting the wrong end. FML

by Poser / 12/19/2009 at 11:24pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sneezed seven times in a row. That's the closest thing I've had to an orgasm in months. FML

by omglifee / 12/19/2009 at 11:13pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I chipped my tooth on a beer bottle. While I was drinking alone in my basement. FML

by Stella / 12/19/2009 at 10:30pm / Canada (Newfoundland and Labrador) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was approached by a policeman who asked me if I was the owner of the green Camry. Turns out my parents decided to teach me a lesson for lying where I had been by reporting the car stolen. They also wouldn't answer my one phone call. FML

by Anonymous / 12/19/2009 at 10:08pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found a pair of glasses in my car. I don't wear glasses, and nobody besides myself has been in my car lately. It appears that someone has been sleeping in my car and forgot their glasses. FML

by chrono64 / 12/19/2009 at 9:40pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Transportation

Today, I ran into the living room when I heard the smoke alarm going off. Turns out, my friend thought it was a good idea to melt a plastic cup on my floor heater. He also thought the best way to put it out was to urinate on it. My house smells like burnt pee. FML

by neednewfriends / 12/19/2009 at 6:21pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a surprise test for Economics. While taking the test, I put my head down so I could think. A while later, I awoke to the whole class turning in their test. I had to turn in my test incomplete. No questions answered, just my name, the date, and a pool of drool. FML

by Jrlloyd013 / 12/19/2009 at 5:33pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my birthday, and apparently my family forgot it. But one person didn't forget. My dog gave me a little present in my new shoes I bought for myself. FML

by googly191 / 12/19/2009 at 4:44pm / United States (Colorado) / Animals