Today, my family threw me a surprise party for my 29th Birthday. My brother-in-law sent me a text telling me they were all waiting for me to arrive. Thinking it was at my sister's home, I drove two hours there. It was actually at my parents' house. I missed my party and they ate my cake. FML

by Anonymous / 01/26/2010 at 1:55pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's raining at my work. Not outside, inside. Because our building's boiler broke and all the pipes are dripping with condensation. I have to sit at my desk under an umbrella to protect my laptop and desk phone. The HVAC company said, "Don't worry, this is normal." FML

by dripdripdrop / 01/26/2010 at 1:44pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, at work at daycare, this kid was coughing really bad, so I put my hand in front of his mouth in case he was choking on something so he could spit it out. But nope he wasn't choking, he was sick. He puked right into my hands. FML

by Kylie / 01/26/2010 at 11:13am / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, I was driving home from college when I saw a couple of sporty chicks jogging on the side of the road. I honked at them and yelled suggestively as I do at college, which usually gets a fun flirty reaction from college girls. It was my next-door neighbor and her 11 year old daughter. FML

by Fonz / 01/26/2010 at 9:39am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at my Muay Thai class. We were doing a combination which consisted of a low kick, body kick and head kick. My partner had already done the low kick so I held the pads for the body kick. He kicked me straight in the jaw. I'm a teenage girl and he's a fully grown man. FML

by anonymous / 01/26/2010 at 7:55am / United Kingdom (Coventry) / Health

Today, I went on a date with the hottest guy I've ever met. He is also rich and successful, and would probably be perfect for me, if only he could stop bragging about it. FML

by OTZ / 01/26/2010 at 6:30am / Love

Today, I woke up and went to go have a shower. The trouble is, my bedroom door is broken and will no longer open. My mother's idea of helping was pushing a note under the door saying she'll be back in a couple of hours. FML

Today, I learned that removing your boyfriends boxers with your teeth is waaaay less sexy when you accidentally bite a chunk of his pubes and yank them out in the process. FML

by sexyfail / 01/26/2010 at 3:59am / Australia (Western Australia) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of my dad constantly hitting on her. Not because she was disgusted, but because she wants to date him. FML

by Junior / 01/26/2010 at 2:35am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I got a message from my ex saying how sorry he was for everything he did. He also said that if he wasn't getting married and having a kid we could still be together. We broke up a year ago. FML

by nubbins / 01/26/2010 at 1:56am / Canada (British Columbia) / Love

Today, I tried talking to my boyfriend about our sex life. I was trying to express that I feel like we don't do it enough, but he wasn't very responsive. I ended up saying, "I wish you had a bigger sex drive" to which he answered, "I wish you had bigger boobs." FML

by mairelys / 01/26/2010 at 1:56am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, my mother urged me to "get over this lesbian thing and give me some grandkids." In front of my girlfriend of eleven months. FML

by Eagle / 01/26/2010 at 1:05am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I had a completely improvised audition for the school play. The director called me and one of the cutest guys auditioning to improvise an intimate scene. Knowing that I'm a complete klutz, I wasn't all that surprised when I tripped over my feet and landed with my face in his crotch. He was. FML

by Anonymous / 01/26/2010 at 12:25am / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous