Today, I took my girlfriends virginity and had given it my all. When I had finished, sweating and tired, I looked down at her and smiled, obviously pleased with myself. She looked up at me and said, "Wait, was that it?" FML

by sadsexer23 / 02/15/2010 at 10:10pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Why? Because apparently her friends have seen me hanging out with a hot girl, giving her long hugs and making her laugh. That "hot girl" is my sister, who got back from her study abroad a week ago. FML

by Anonymous / 02/15/2010 at 9:09pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I was really excited to be observing my first autopsy for my forensics class. Apparently so was the guy behind me. He barfed up ramen noodles all over my hair and back. I couldn't leave the room to clean up. For two hours. FML

by anonymous / 02/15/2010 at 8:25pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, like all days, my cat brought something to my doorstep. Usually it's a slew of dead mice; but today he decided to bring this big, ugly snake. I'm always the only one in my family 'brave' enough to go fetch our cat's gift. It took until lifting it up to realize the snake wasn't dead. FML

by Mary / 02/15/2010 at 7:08pm / United States (Delaware) / Animals

Today, my daughter told me she wanted to be a stripper when she grew up, just like daddy's girlfriend. We're still married. FML

by ShayisPay101 / 02/15/2010 at 1:58pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I was bored at work, so I started doodling a big muscly arm on my notepad, including bulging veins. After I returned from lunch, my boss called me into his office. Apparently the mail clerk saw and was offended. I was asked to explain why I was drawing a person's 'private area'. FML

by Anonymous / 02/15/2010 at 1:41pm / United States (Montana) / Work

Today, I had my first ice skating lesson. I had to wait 5 years for a rink to open in my town, 2 weeks for my lessons to begin, but only 10 minutes to fall and hit my tailbone so hard that I can't walk. FML

by skatergrrrl / 02/15/2010 at 1:40pm / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, I found out that my best friend pays my boyfriend to this day to take me out. FML

by thirdwheel / 02/15/2010 at 1:08pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I was missing $20 from my wallet, so I decided to ask my sister if she had taken it. Her response? "That reminds me, I need to borrow another 50." She has a job. That was my Christmas money. FML

by Ambar / 02/15/2010 at 12:02pm / Canada (Ontario) / Money

Today, while on a date with my boyfriend, he broke up with me. The reason why? Because I took a dump in his bathroom and "that's inappropriate for girls." FML

by Ashlee / 02/15/2010 at 10:21am / United States / Love

Today, at work a really hot guy came up to me and asked "what are your hours?" Excited, I told him I get off at 4 but might be able to get out sooner. He started laughing and then said "I meant your store hours". He turned around and walked away, shaking his head and laughing. FML

by Dumbdumb / 02/15/2010 at 9:29am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I took my best friend to an 80's party. She drank too much and ended up puking all over the interior and exterior of my car as well as inside my right legwarmer on the 30 mile trip back home. FML

by Anonymous / 02/15/2010 at 9:22am / United States / Transportation

Today, I was skiing in Vermont for the third day straight. Since I was getting very little sleep, on the top of the chairlift I let out a huge yawn, pulling a muscle in my face. As I slid down the ramp, everyone saw me thrashing my head around and making funny, painful faces as I fell down. FML

by Floof / 02/15/2010 at 8:35am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Holidays