Today, it was my co-worker's birthday but she told me not to mention it. Feeling bad for her, I went out to buy her a card, a present, and even a small cake. It turns out that there was actually a party during our lunch break, and I was the only one in our office not invited. FML

by Anonymous / 06/05/2010 at 6:36am / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, my two friends and I went to the movies. One of my friends brought my crush. They started making out, leaning over the armrest, until they were practically in my lap. Saliva got on my arm. FML

by someoneelsessaliva / 06/05/2010 at 2:59am / Australia (Queensland) / Love

Today, I found out that my best friend kisses me while I sleep. We're both guys. FML

by weirdesout / 06/04/2010 at 10:03pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I was mistaken for a male prostitute because I was walking home while wearing my speedo after a swim in the public pool. I was arrested and had to stay in a room full of convicts for 4 hours. Still in a speedo. FML

by xricardo / 06/04/2010 at 8:52pm / United States (Arizona) / Health

Today, I found out my sister has a nickname for me due to my recent breakouts. It's "volcano face". FML

by morgan_love11 / 06/04/2010 at 8:07pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up at 10:30 feeling great and saying to myself, "Thank goodness it's the weekend!" I then realized it's Friday and I missed my final. FML

by H05T1L3 / 06/04/2010 at 7:58pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my coworker told me she knew about my secret boyfriend because she has a "sixth sense" about these things. I'm too embarrassed to tell her I'm desperately single and the last date I went on was three years ago. FML

by single and not mingling / 06/04/2010 at 1:36pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, my fiancée told me she was having a bad day while we were lying in bed. Just as she was about to fall asleep I thought it would be sweet if I sang her a song that her Mom sang to her when she was a child. Instead, I was told to shut the fuck up and that I sucked. FML

by badsinger / 06/04/2010 at 5:38am / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Love

Today, I was getting ready for my first day at work. Right before leaving the house I decided to brush my teeth thoroughly one more time to have a fresh breath. While cleaning my tongue I went too far which made me throw up. I was 20 min late for my work. Good start. FML

by Sergie / 06/04/2010 at 5:28am / Ireland (Dublin) / Work

Today, I work at a pizza place and one of my jobs is to spoon crushed red pepper into bags. After I finished this, without thinking to wash my hands first, I used the bathroom. It still burns. FML

by firecrotch / 06/04/2010 at 1:36am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I was texting my crush. I tried to say, "I need a nap," but my iPhone changed it to "I need anal." I sent it. FML

by Allie / 06/03/2010 at 2:58pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I had to sit and listen to the guy in the next cube brag to his wife about the promotion he just received. The promotion my boss told me last week that I was going to get. FML

by Greg / 06/03/2010 at 11:45am / United States / Work

Today, I found out my boyfriend keeps a gun under his pillow. This was only after my friends and I surprised him with his birthday cake while he was sleeping. FML

by Anonymous / 06/03/2010 at 8:23am / United Kingdom / Love