Today, I caught my dog attempting to shit on the carpet. When I saw him, I screamed. Startled, he ran around the house, continuing to take his shit. Now, I don't have to clean up a nice pile, I get to go on a scavenger hunt and find all of the scattered turds. FML

by Catois / 03/05/2010 at 12:17am / United States (Virginia) / Animals

Today, I had to listen to a girl who just came back from the bathroom, talk about the "gigantic massive dump" she took, and even held her hands up to show the size. FML

by Grossed_out / 03/04/2010 at 10:51pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, a guy commented on a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook, and said to please stop 'testing' him. He also messaged me saying how he wishes he could get a girlfriend like me, that I'm gorgeous, and that he wants to go out with me. I'm his cousin. FML

by Brandee / 03/04/2010 at 8:39pm / Canada (Manitoba) / Love

Today, I bought my wedding dress and sat it on the bed while I went to buy matching shoes. When I came home, I saw my soon to be husband on the bed sitting next to my wedding dress. Turns out he spilt Coca-Cola on the dress and was trying to get it out with carpet cleanser. FML

by Stephanie / 03/04/2010 at 7:01pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that we need a code word for when I'm being annoying. FML

by ugh / 03/04/2010 at 7:00pm / United States / Love

Today, after threatening my son for weeks that if he didn't clean his room, I would, I went in, equipped with a garbage bag, ready to throw away everything I found, only to discover dozens of empty bottles, two partially empty pizza boxes, Taco Bell wrappers, and cockroaches. FML

by disguested / 03/04/2010 at 3:01pm / United States (New York) / Kids

ktbird's comment : Well that's a useless threat. "Do your chores or I will for you!"

See all the comments

Today, it was my one year anniversary with my boyfriend. We had dinner reservations to an expensive restaurant and planned to see a movie after. At least, we did, until he called to tell me he'd volunteered to work tonight. He won't get off until 2am. FML

by Anonymous / 03/04/2010 at 3:00pm / United States (Nevada) / Love

Today, I got a call from my optometrist. I ignored the call, because I already knew I had my appointment tomorrow. When I listened to my messages later, I found out it was from his secretary, saying all of his appointments have been canceled due to him passing away last night. FML

by dpod121 / 03/04/2010 at 2:41pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, I came down with sudden diarrhea while at taekwondo practice. I discreetly called my dad for a pickup, but on our way out, he told my instructor that I had to go because I was "shitting my pants with fear". He did this in front of all my classmates. FML

by GoDiarrhea / 03/04/2010 at 1:52pm / Argentina (Distrito Federal) / Health

Today, I stole a bite of my boyfriend's hamburger. He threw a fit, saying I took too big a bite and I had to replace it with a new, more expensive one. Afterwards, he said how lucky I was he didn't break up with me then and there. FML

by Anonymous / 03/04/2010 at 12:15pm / Estonia (Harjumaa) / Love

amart402's comment : so break up with him. duh.

See all the comments

Today, I went out to eat with a group of couples and my boyfriend. All my friends boyfriends paid for them. Mine didn't, and said that I should order off the diet menu. FML

by Sam / 03/04/2010 at 10:51am / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I got a 95 on my term project. To congratulate me, my boyfriend said we're having sex tonight. I only get laid if I get good grades. FML

by lalararara / 03/04/2010 at 10:48am / United States / Intimacy

candy1's comment : hahaha your boyfriend is awesome

See all the comments

Today, I found out that the man who sold me my car 6 months ago lied about it being "recently serviced" and "in excellent condition". It actually hasn't been serviced in years, and fixing all its problems is going to cost me $900 more than what I paid for the car. FML

by rippedoff / 03/04/2010 at 9:09am / Australia (Western Australia) / Money