Today, I was checking the Facebook event page to see who is attending the party I am having this weekend, since my parents are going out of town. 1 person has confirmed. My mom. FML

by fbcaught / 02/09/2010 at 1:52pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was about to take a crap when the smoke alarm went off. I ran out of the bathroom and tried to run downstairs. I tripped and shit on myself. The alarm had gone off cause my kid put my wallet in the toaster. FML

by justme / 02/09/2010 at 1:20pm / Kids

Today, I found out why my five year old has been throwing tantrums while shopping. It turns out my ex-husband has been paying her three dollars for every public tantrum she throws. FML

by inthedark / 02/09/2010 at 12:53pm / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, I returned home to my girlfriend after being away for 6 weeks of work. I decided to take a shower and change before having a nice dinner with her. Without looking I grabbed a random pair of jeans from my closet to put on. They were Levis. I don't own or wear any Levis. FML

by safariboo / 02/09/2010 at 10:43am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I watched my boyfriend pick all the dead skin off of his feet. And then fling it at me. FML

by caitplaysguitar / 02/09/2010 at 9:56am / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, my mum was saying she needs to gain weight because she was underweight according to her doctor. She then said she's going to eat like me in order to gain more weight. FML

by mynameislor / 02/09/2010 at 9:26am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I have the flu, food poisoning and I'm on my period. I have enough liquids pouring out of me from various holes to satisfy a sewer. FML

by SickSmick / 02/09/2010 at 7:22am / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Health

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months told me he was not going to celebrate Valentine's day because it was a "capitalistic consumerism holiday". He works in a bank and helps "capitalism consumerism" 364 days a year. FML

by Brokenheartz / 02/09/2010 at 4:49am / United Kingdom (Essex) / Miscellaneous

Today, my son pooped in his diaper and managed to somehow take it off without my knowledge. He then sat down on the carpet and imitated a dog with worms, all the way down the hallway, through the living room, and into my bedroom. FML

by matchristityler / 02/09/2010 at 3:19am / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that the only reason he's with me is because I'm a good tattoo artist and he's too broke to pay for his own tattoos. We've been together for two years. FML

by estephi / 02/09/2010 at 3:14am / Love

Today, I discovered my brother likes to use our kitchen utensils to scratch his private areas. FML

by utensils123 / 02/09/2010 at 1:40am / Australia (Queensland) / Health

Today, my boyfriend told my hamster he loved her. Repeatedly. In 'cute' baby voices. He has yet to tell me. FML

by Anonymous / 02/09/2010 at 1:12am / United States (Alabama) / Love

Today, in art class, I tried to attract my crush's attention by slowly sitting down in front of him. Too bad I missed the chair and fell onto the floor. FML

by Unknown / 02/09/2010 at 12:50am / United States (Oregon) / Love