Today, my two year old decided to run out the front door alone. I ran after him, tripped over the bottom of my jeans, fell onto the sidewalk and scraped up both my hands and knees. My neighbors just watched. FML

by kansasgirl / 03/02/2010 at 1:21pm / United States (Kansas) / Kids

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth removed. I went to see my boyfriend for comfort because I was in so much pain. The first thing he asked me when I saw him with huge cheeks? When would be the next time I could give him a blowjob. FML

by fatcheeks / 03/02/2010 at 11:58am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, a wasp flew into my room. While I, a 6'2" hockey player, cowered in the corner, my 4'11" girlfriend killed it. FML

by Jeff / 03/02/2010 at 10:53am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals

Today, I had to give a speech but I wasn't prepared. I decided to give it anyway. While giving the speech, I got so nervous I passed out. FML

by Anonymous / 03/02/2010 at 9:45am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, after celebrating my birthday yesterday, getting really drunk, I woke up naked in the bathroom at my girlfriend's house. Why did I wake up? Her father walked in. FML

Today, I was making out like a sixteen year old at the high school prom with this guy I kinda liked. All of a sudden, he rolls away and tells me he's "finished." We both had our clothes on the entire time. He is 23, I'm 25. I didn't know that was possible. FML

by virginmary / 03/02/2010 at 7:38am / Reserved / Intimacy

Today, I found out that there's nothing like having to chase a 100-something lb. Bloodhound around the neighborhood when you're 8 months pregnant, with a 3 and 4 year old in tow. Especially when she runs the other way at the sight of you coming. FML

by Dogs loose / 03/02/2010 at 7:17am / Kids

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

by Celeste / 03/02/2010 at 4:14am / Singapore / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend decided that lunch with his guys was more important than spending time with me. This is the second year in a row that he has cancelled on me. How do I remember the date so well? It's my birthday. FML

by BirthdayGirl / 03/02/2010 at 3:14am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I'm a 25-year-old married woman and I'm currently living with my grandfather to take care of him. Today, he grounded me. FML

by grounded. / 03/02/2010 at 1:46am / United States (Delaware) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my sister has a new boyfriend. That would have been helpful to know 3 hours ago before I told her boyfriend, who is also my best friend, that I loved him. His response? "HAHAHA! Good one! Oh Seriously? Shit." FML

by SingleSara. / 03/02/2010 at 1:07am / Canada (British Columbia) / Love

Today, I was at a concert and an older man offered to let me stand in front of him because I'm short. It wasn't until the show started and people were jumping around did I realize he had a boner and was repeatedly bumping into me. FML

by Lin / 03/02/2010 at 12:57am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I saw my boyfriend for the first time in a while. When he came over we realized that we had not only gotten the same haircut, but we were also wearing the same sweater. We are a matching old couple at 17. FML

by oldandmarriedapparently / 03/02/2010 at 12:15am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love