Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

by Anonymous / 08/04/2010 at 6:24am / United Kingdom (London) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend finally got a job. As a clown. FML

by Ploeboi / 08/04/2010 at 4:28am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I was called handsome. Too bad it was coming from a trashed homeless lady, who then went on to tell me that she likes my lips and wants to rape me. FML

by IllJustGetYouASweaterThen / 08/04/2010 at 3:58am / United States (New Mexico) / Intimacy

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

by Username / 08/04/2010 at 1:18am / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML

by Alisha Marie / 08/04/2010 at 12:20am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I moved into my new college apartment for the next year. A 45 year old guy with a mustache in short shorts and no shirt answers the door. He will be one of my roommates. FML

by jkin47 / 08/03/2010 at 9:44pm / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, my car broke down. I had a two mile, up-hill walk ahead of me. About half way up the hill, a car beeped. Thinking they were poking fun at my misfortune, I began to curse and use obscene gestures, only to find out that it was my neighbor asking if I needed a ride. She drove off. FML

by bitch / 08/03/2010 at 9:19pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, my best friend who I've known since high school is getting married. I'm supposed to give a toast during the reception about how great the bride and groom are. I've been sleeping with the groom for the past 7 months. FML

by Emily / 08/03/2010 at 7:54pm / United States (Kansas) / Intimacy

chocolateybar's comment : uh. well done. i suppose now, you can give a speech about how awesome you know the groom will be in bed with your best friend! you're the bestest best friend in the whooole world~

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Today, my family and I watched Madagascar 2. When we got to the part where Gloria the hippopotamus is praised for her chunkyness, my little sister looked at me and said, "If you were a hippo, maybe then you would get a date." FML

by fatty / 08/03/2010 at 6:37pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, upon getting out of the shower, I discovered the towel I grabbed off the rack had dried poop on it. Apparently, during my sister's birthday party yesterday, we'd run out of toilet paper. FML

by missalexa / 08/03/2010 at 2:13pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my fiancé invited his pregnant co-worker for dinner. After we finished eating, he sat down and explained to me that her kid is his and that he's been cheating on me with her for 5 months. She had a smile on her face during the entire thing. FML

by Broken / 08/03/2010 at 8:11am / United Arab Emirates (Abu Dhabi) / Love

txgirl2013's comment : I would have smacked her upside her head with a frying pan.

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Today, while at a local bar, my friends and I were approached by an overly intoxicated man who asked us each politely if we wanted to fight. Thinking it was a joke, I said yes. It wasn't a joke, I now have a broken nose and a black eye. FML

by MyFaceHurts / 08/03/2010 at 6:40am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried to act nonchalant in front of my neighbors, and swing my lanyard around with my keys on it. It flew off my finger and into their yard. FML

by Jesse from / 08/03/2010 at 6:21am / United States / Miscellaneous