Today, as a bridal shower gift, I got a "coupon" for 25% off divorce attorney fees. It was a collective gift. FML

by Nikki / 05/30/2010 at 12:29pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of five months is pregnant. Apparently, she stopped taking her pill two months ago because "we" wanted a baby. I don't recall ever having that discussion with her. FML

by BabyDaddy / 05/30/2010 at 4:05am / Australia (Western Australia) / Kids

Today, a four pound can of tuna fell on my head at work, and it burst all over my clothes. Since I'm the manager, I had to stay all day reeking of tuna. Now I'm home, my damn cat won't leave me alone. FML

by Alpheas / 05/30/2010 at 1:12am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I was spelling T-R-E-A-T to my fiancé so that the dog wouldn't understand what I was talking about. Turns out, neither could my fiancé. FML

by misTreated / 05/30/2010 at 12:01am / United States (Minnesota) / Animals

Today, I got called a f***ing b**ch by one of my students. I teach kindergarten. FML

by love_today / 05/29/2010 at 10:36pm / Canada (Quebec) / Work

Today, I wasn't feeling well, so I took my temperature with a thermometer from my sister's bathroom. I later found out that I actually used my sister's rectal thermometer. At least I don't have a fever. FML

by asstomouth / 05/29/2010 at 2:20pm / Health

Today, I decided to take a nap before a big job interview at 6. I set two alarm clocks to make sure I didn't miss it, but I woke up at 5:59. As I'm scrambling in a panic to get out the door, my mom says calmly, "I took your alarm clocks out of your room because you looked really tired today." FML

by thanksmum / 05/29/2010 at 1:39pm / Germany (Berlin) / Work

Today, someone switched my hairspray with bug spray when I didn't notice. I used it. FML

by Anonymous / 05/29/2010 at 9:16am / Malaysia (Selangor) / Miscellaneous

Today, a bee landed on my leg. I didn't realize it was there until my friend yelled out, "Bee!" kicked me in the leg, and ran off. I fell to the ground screaming and clutching my leg. She missed the bee and it still stung me. FML

by hulagirl1217 / 05/29/2010 at 8:11am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I had a weird dream I woke up on the bathroom floor at my local gym. Turns out it wasn't a dream, and I passed out from "overworking myself". I was on the treadmill for under 5 minutes, walking. FML

by crashingdown / 05/29/2010 at 1:28am / Australia (South Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. It was going well until our braces got caught. Out of pain, I tried to pull away, which made my eyes water. Then I sneezed in his mouth. FML

by fmlpanda / 05/29/2010 at 12:14am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I was expecting a very important work call. Today was also the day I got insuppressible diarrhea. As I was running to the washroom, the phone rang. I didn't make it to the washroom or the phone. FML

by phonesnshit / 05/29/2010 at 12:04am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I went out to eat to celebrate getting over the stomach flu. I hadn't eaten solid food in over a week, so I was really excited and ordered my favorite dish. It gave me food poisoning. FML

by Anonymous / 05/28/2010 at 7:51pm / United States (California) / Health