Today, I wasn't feeling well, so I took my temperature with a thermometer from my sister's bathroom. I later found out that I actually used my sister's rectal thermometer. At least I don't have a fever. FML

by asstomouth / 05/29/2010 at 2:20pm / Health

Today, I decided to take a nap before a big job interview at 6. I set two alarm clocks to make sure I didn't miss it, but I woke up at 5:59. As I'm scrambling in a panic to get out the door, my mom says calmly, "I took your alarm clocks out of your room because you looked really tired today." FML

by thanksmum / 05/29/2010 at 1:39pm / Germany (Berlin) / Work

Today, someone switched my hairspray with bug spray when I didn't notice. I used it. FML

by Anonymous / 05/29/2010 at 9:16am / Malaysia (Selangor) / Miscellaneous

Today, a bee landed on my leg. I didn't realize it was there until my friend yelled out, "Bee!" kicked me in the leg, and ran off. I fell to the ground screaming and clutching my leg. She missed the bee and it still stung me. FML

by hulagirl1217 / 05/29/2010 at 8:11am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I had a weird dream I woke up on the bathroom floor at my local gym. Turns out it wasn't a dream, and I passed out from "overworking myself". I was on the treadmill for under 5 minutes, walking. FML

by crashingdown / 05/29/2010 at 1:28am / Australia (South Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. It was going well until our braces got caught. Out of pain, I tried to pull away, which made my eyes water. Then I sneezed in his mouth. FML

by fmlpanda / 05/29/2010 at 12:14am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I was expecting a very important work call. Today was also the day I got insuppressible diarrhea. As I was running to the washroom, the phone rang. I didn't make it to the washroom or the phone. FML

by phonesnshit / 05/29/2010 at 12:04am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I went out to eat to celebrate getting over the stomach flu. I hadn't eaten solid food in over a week, so I was really excited and ordered my favorite dish. It gave me food poisoning. FML

by Anonymous / 05/28/2010 at 7:51pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, on the train, I was sitting next to a cute girl I didn't know. She fell asleep on my lap by accident and I just let her for the whole train ride. This is the closest I've ever been with a woman. FML

by comfylap / 05/28/2010 at 7:30pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, both my parents were at work so I was home alone. My boyfriend had wanted to surprise me and take me out to lunch. He found me dancing on my kitchen table singing "Like a Virgin" at the top of my lungs. FML

by crazygirl10 / 05/28/2010 at 4:37pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, while running late to my sister's wedding and rushing to get ready, I accidentally grabbed my travel size shaving cream can in place of my body spray, and quickly drew a blue foaming line across my rental tux. FML

by Anonymous / 05/28/2010 at 2:07pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tested the new taps in the shower, with my head. Yep, they're strong enough. FML

by gahdamnit / 05/28/2010 at 9:18am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was the hottest day of the year so I opened my sun roof. The hottest day of the year was followed by the biggest storm of the year. I forgot to close my sun roof and my car is now flooded. FML

by Username / 05/28/2010 at 2:20am / Transportation