Today, I got a huge bill through the post. It turns out that my elderly mother made the vet come out to my house to see the dog while I was out, because she was scared of the little growths she had found on his body. They were nipples. FML

by dogshavenipples / 06/02/2010 at 7:15pm / United Kingdom (Hampshire) / Money

Today, my grandmother bought a Shakeweight, an exercise tool which, basically, simulates a hand-job to tone arm fat. I get to watch my Grandmother do this motion for 6 minutes every day. FML

by GrandmaShakers / 06/02/2010 at 7:00pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I got married. My new husband wanted to carry me over the threshold of our apartment, but he couldn't pick me up. FML

by Official_Person / 06/02/2010 at 5:31pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, my wife changed her facebook status from "married" to "widowed". I'm scared. FML

by Anonymous / 06/02/2010 at 2:17pm / United States (Kentucky) / Love

Today, I went shopping with my mother. I needed to use the toilet, so entered a restaurant. After I left the toilet, my mother, who was near the restaurant's entrance, called out and asked: "Did you flush it?" Everyone heard her. And I'm 22 years old. FML

by Kagura / 06/02/2010 at 11:05am / Turkey (Istanbul) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend was talking to me on the land line when his cell phone rang. He told me to wait "two seconds" while he talked to a classmate. Their "two second" conversation lasted ten minutes, and now I can hear the French Open on the TV in background. He forgot he was talking to me. FML

by chiclet / 06/01/2010 at 10:34pm / Love

Today, I realized my boyfriend makes the same noises in bed as he does when he's winning in Call of Duty. FML

by Amb / 06/01/2010 at 7:56pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I got mugged by someone wearing a bear suit. FML

by mugged / 06/01/2010 at 7:41pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, someone broke into my car to steal $1.50. FML

by Brokeashell / 06/01/2010 at 2:47pm / United States / Money

Today, I finally convinced my son to use the potty. Later, he saw a show on TV about a toilet monster. Now he's too scared to even step foot into the bathroom. Here's to another few months of diaper changes. FML

by Anonymous / 06/01/2010 at 12:43pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. FML

by smellyfeet / 06/01/2010 at 12:19pm / United Kingdom (Wolverhampton) / Intimacy

Today, I went to the supermarket; it was taking me ages to walk home because of the heavy food bags. Halfway home, I realised I had gone in my car. I had to walk all the way back to get my car. FML

by Lou / 06/01/2010 at 11:59am / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Transportation

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents, who I haven't known very long. I ended up falling asleep. That doesn't sound so bad, until I woke my drooling self up by snoring extremely loud. FML

by girlllll / 06/01/2010 at 8:31am / Denmark (Kobenhavn) / Miscellaneous