Today, I found out my 19 year old daughter is pregnant. The father is a toss up between my 45 year-old best friend, and the 30 year old guy who cleans our pool. FML

by Anonymous / 06/15/2010 at 9:27pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally weighed myself after going on a strict diet of only fruits, vegetables, and coffee. I gained weight. FML

by Anonymous / 06/15/2010 at 3:31pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Health

Today, I'm three months pregnant. Hours after the father of my baby bought me a wedding ring, he decided to get drunk and tell me that he doesn't see himself with me for the rest of his life, and doesn't really want to get married. Oh and he hates my dog. FML

by Samantha / 06/15/2010 at 2:18pm / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, I got a bird as a pet. I thought it would be funny to put it on my head and take a picture. When the flash went off the bird flew off my head and pooped at the same time. You could see it in the picture. FML

by Keaton / 06/15/2010 at 12:58pm / United States (New Mexico) / Love

Today, I awoke to find that my car had been burglarized in my own driveway and several hundred dollars worth of electronics were stolen. I only later discovered that my campus parking pass had also been stolen when I got a $75 ticket while taking a chemistry test. FML

by 1129 / 06/15/2010 at 12:32pm / United States (Kentucky) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me because his mom told him to. FML

by Mamasboyhater / 06/15/2010 at 5:50am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I went to a party where I met an amazing guy. After having great conversation all night and what I thought was a serious connection, I leaned in to kiss him. He screamed, forcefully pushed my face away with his hand, and said he was gay. FML

by milkybear / 06/15/2010 at 3:11am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my boss told me I was fired 3 weeks ago because there was no money to pay me, meaning that I worked the last three weeks for free. FML

by Anonymous / 06/14/2010 at 7:39pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. While I was asleep, he drew a face on my stomach and when I woke up he was talking to it. He said it would be less weird if he was talking to my stomach with a face on it, representing the baby. According to him, our child is going to have a mustache. FML

by gibsonSG323 / 06/14/2010 at 7:13pm / United States (Michigan) / Kids

Today, it was a long queue at the store, and behind me were two senior citizens. I wanted to do a good deed, and said: "Cut before me in line, I have all the time in the world." My reward? The old man scolded me because I supposedly insinuated that they were old, and only had a short time left to live. FML

by SirPimPim / 06/14/2010 at 10:32am / Sweden (Ostergotlands Lan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband purposefully said something to upset me. When I asked why he would do that, he told me it was to test my Prozac. FML

by greenblue90 / 06/14/2010 at 9:50am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, it's my Nana's birthday and to say she is having a good time is an understatement. She's so drunk, she took out her false teeth tried to put them in her dog's mouth. When she failed, she tried the cat's. FML

by Cat / 06/13/2010 at 10:36am / United Kingdom (Kirklees) / Miscellaneous

Today, after spending the evening with friends, I went home and realized that the living room light was on. Thinking someone was robbing me, I hid behind a bush. I got impatient and crept up to the door. Then I remembered that I'd left the light on before I left. FML

by jonjon / 06/13/2010 at 9:16am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous