Today, I am severely hungover. Upon returning home, I came to find that both of the elevators were out of order. I live on the 12th floor. FML

by prettybich / 05/15/2010 at 2:01pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend left me for my best friend. Over a text message with "lol" in it. FML

by schwange / 05/15/2010 at 1:07pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I lectured my second-grade class to be more descriptive in their writing. I gave them an assignment to describe something in the classroom. I was grading their work later, and one student wrote, "My class is taught by a fat teacher with gray hair." FML

by Teaching26 / 05/15/2010 at 3:47am / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, my sister decided to wake me up by pumping handwash into my open mouth. FML

by sheridan.ashley / 05/15/2010 at 2:27am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I accidentally stapled my finger to a piece of paper. It hurt, but I took it out and went to restaple it. I did it again. FML

by Staples / 05/15/2010 at 2:21am / United Kingdom / Geek

Today, I got bitten by my aunt's dog. My brother was holding the leash. He said he didn't pull the dog away from me because he didn't want to rip my shirt. Meanwhile, the dog was biting a penny-sized chunk out of my hip. FML

by bitten / 05/15/2010 at 1:09am / United States (Wisconsin) / Health

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend saying, "I shall be the prince, and you shall be the princess," to his hamster. Once he saw me, he quickly turned to the hamster and said, "I have to go. The dragon is here." FML

by Cheese4men / 05/14/2010 at 7:28pm / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, I tripped in front of my graduation class of 225 and all of their relatives while receiving my diploma. FML

by Anonymous / 05/14/2010 at 7:19pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that my baby stops crying loudly whenever I turn on the vacuum cleaner. I'm either stuck with a fussy baby all day, or the roaring sound of a vacuum cleaner. FML

by superhero1043 / 05/14/2010 at 1:01am / United States (Nevada) / Kids

Today, after taking a pregnancy test and carefully disposing of all the evidence so no one would find out, I realized I left the receipt for it on the bathroom counter. I noticed too late as I watch my mom step out of the bathroom, and my step-father go in right after. FML

by Anonymous / 05/14/2010 at 12:33am / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, my best friend told me that she is only my friend because she is prettier than me and being my friend boost her confidence. FML

by fothermuckerrr / 05/14/2010 at 12:07am / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was rushing to leave work and get home because I really had to use the bathroom. My cell phone rang and I thought it was my husband, so I answered by saying, "I really have to poop." Yep, not my husband. It was one of my employees, who has the same name. FML

by BigMouth McRedface / 05/13/2010 at 10:11pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I saw a blond-haired guy crouched by my bike fiddling with something as I came back from the shop. Thinking he was a thief, I slammed him across the head with my helmet, knocked him over - then I realised not only was he a kid barely in his teens, he was tying his shoes. FML

by BikerBuddy / 05/13/2010 at 9:11pm / Kids