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Man or woman?

Today, my roommate brought a guy home at 3:30am. Not having a condom, she ran into my room to borrow one of mine. She was overzealous, jumped onto my bed, and cracked two of my ribs. She then took the condom, left me lying paralyzed with pain, and then had very loud sex, which I heard. FML

#4827705
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63341) - you deserved it (3534)

On 08/26/2009 at 1:12am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Nova Scotia)

Today, I was at the bar and my friend and I were making fun of this guy wearing a Affliction muscle tee and bedazzled Ed Hardy hat. We were saying how he was the epitome of a douche bag and that he probably likes UFC. Turns out he's an MMA fighter and I now have a broken nose. FML

#4827023
192 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9345) - you deserved it (61964)

On 08/26/2009 at 12:40am - misc - by brokennose (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I went to a concert. Knowing these concerts usually include a lot of black lights, I decided to wear a black T-shirt so I wouldn't glow. I was having a good time, but about halfway through I noticed someone pointing to my shoulder. I looked down to see my dandruff glowing. FML

#4826832
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33052) - you deserved it (16356)

On 08/26/2009 at 12:29am - misc - by Raaar (woman) - United States (Utah)

Today, on a plane I was showing my brother the life jackets kept under the seat. After pulling on what I thought was the lifejacket, I then realized that they were kept in the arm rest to my right and for the last five minutes I had been pulling on the foot of the man who was sitting behind me. FML

#4826792
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8879) - you deserved it (36177)

On 08/26/2009 at 12:28am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was walking with my husband, holding hands, when a man with a rainbow shirt on came up to us. He said, "I'm so glad that gay men can go out in public without being embarassed nowdays!" He patted me on the back and walked away. I'm a woman. FML

#4823053
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48643) - you deserved it (5947)

On 08/25/2009 at 10:16pm - misc - by offendedfemme (woman) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I went for a jog. While passing by my neighbor's house, their six year old son started throwing peanuts at me screaming, "I hope this kills you!" because I'm allergic to peanuts. FML

#4820623
148 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53590) - you deserved it (3363)

On 08/25/2009 at 8:52pm - misc - by Anonymous - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I had my first real date with my first serious boyfriend. I was nervous because from past experience. I learned my lips were a bit ticklish and I usually giggled a bit during kissing. Well, we started making out and I thought was I doing pretty good hiding my laughs. Until I wet myself. FML

#4819197
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46571) - you deserved it (9873)

On 08/25/2009 at 7:56pm - love - by RitaDahhlinnnng (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, I tried to surprise my parents on their first day back from New York with candles I made. I used actual lavender flecks from our garden for the scent in the candles. My plan worked until the lavender caught on fire which then spread to all of our mail and newspapers. Welcome home. FML

#4815295
42 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29314) - you deserved it (10173)

On 08/25/2009 at 5:14pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, for karaoke, I sang American Woman by Lenny Kravitz. The entire audience cracked up laughing and at least three people pulled out their cell phones to record my performance. At the end, the DJ said, "Looks like someone had too much tonight." I was completely sober. FML

#4813965
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37467) - you deserved it (10670)

On 08/25/2009 at 4:07pm - misc - by Cossack_Man (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I was supposed to be picked up by my date. I haven't got my license yet, so all my dates have to pick me up. He never showed. He also didn't bother to text or call that he wasn't coming. Neither did the five other dates I was supposed to have this summer. FML

#4812515
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43914) - you deserved it (8986)

On 08/25/2009 at 2:52pm - love - by sabbydutchgirl (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I was walking out of a bar when someone grabbed me by the throat, and slammed me against a wall, saying "Stop fooling around with my wife, because next time - I'll kill you." I'm gay and haven't been with a woman since 1985. FML

#4810431
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (62803) - you deserved it (6551)

On 08/25/2009 at 1:09pm - love - by Jeff (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I was at the park with my autistic son when I noticed a teenage girl imitating him by flapping her hands and walking on her toes. Fed up with children mocking my son, I went over and sternly lectured the girl's mother. Turns out, her daughter is autistic too and will be in my son's class. FML

#4810321
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40005) - you deserved it (20746)

On 08/25/2009 at 1:03pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)

Today, my mother was cleaning out my underwear drawer and found my vibrator. Everytime I see her in the hall, she just cracks up and makes jokes about how I can't get a guy, so I have to rely on electronics. What's worse, she told my dad AND posted a status on facebook about it. FML

#4809359
198 comments

I agree, your life sucks (65611) - you deserved it (9552)

On 08/25/2009 at 12:04pm - love - by Sarah (woman) - United Kingdom



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